Monthly Archives: February 2016

Projected To Rise

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Score: +3

It’s been a busy one day weekend and I am glad to be at the end of it. Sometimes you have to push through really tough challenges because that’s what you must do to advance your life. I do things because I have pride and I would be ashamed if I turned my back on a responsibility. It’s a deep-rooted issue for me. I must be able to be honest with myself and not live in a delusion. 

I’m feeling more stable even though this weekend has been trying. I think the 1200 mg of lithium might be finally showing signs of helping. I feel ready for the work week as I sit here writing this. It’s Sunday night and I am in a positive place. 

We had the boy all weekend, and holy shit did he want to play with me? Um, just every second I wasn’t doing something. I like the interaction because he’s a funny kid. His games are a bit one-dimensional but that’s something that will grow with time. He has yet to fully understand how powerful his imagination can be. 

Amanda and I have been good. We have been talking and sharing since she spent a couple nights at her parents place detoxing. I think she has a better handle on things now, as she wanted. She’s going to moderate her drinking and keep it to weekends. She needs help during the week to get going and being suppressed by alcohol is not a good way to do so. I see us steadily heading in the right direction. We stumble on the way there but we are both moving on. 

I’m trying to stabilize after my world nearly capsized. I got out if the dark place and back in a more encouraging direction. I just hope my positive feelings carry over into tomorrow. 

Inwardly

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

Hello again blog. I know it has been a few days. I feel like I am on a somewhat inward journey of late. I have been distracting myself from feeling bad with video games a little bit too, I guess. The overlying sadness is less than it was before, but it is still there. I have its weight on me, every day. I feel that I am stronger now than I was say two weeks ago, but I am at a substandard level overall. 

I’m finding the time to write to you as Amanda is at her parents place tonight and I am alone in the apartment. I don’t feel sad or bored. I kept busy. I made some coffee. Amanda is getting away from the environment that has caused her to relapse somewhat. She is recognizing a bad pattern and attacking it head on. I admire her for being willing to ask for a night to think. We have always been such good communicators, all the way through. Hard times or not, we were always able to process without fighting. I have yet to raise my voice in anger, and she had never yelled at me or called me names or swore at me. It’s been a year plus of tranquility and rationality. Fucking sweet, right?

I hope she finds comfort and clear thoughts. She has a lot she’s grappling with. I wish I could be there, but independence is what it is. We must be able to define ourselves as distinct. Identity is not established in partnerships, it is gnawed away at slowly like a billion termites eating a log cabin. Sometimes space is necessary to feel grounded and secure. Truth. 

Tonight, I’m relaxing in bed prematurely because I’m not watching House MD until Amanda  comes back and we can watch them together. It’s a good show. They get lab results faster than is remotely possible, but I’m willing to suspend reality for interesting cases. 

Goodnight. 

Steady

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Score: +2.5

Well my work week began today and it was pretty solidly good. Got lots of shit done today, closed out a bunch of tickets. But I’m getting tired of the work. I want to be able to live more securely if I have to do this job. I have asked for a raise and been turned down. I’m thinking the next time I go in there it will be to negotiate or give notice. I’m working with my mom to get me another job opportunity so I can use it as leverage. If they won’t budge to keep me, I’ll go somewhere else and get paid more. The work environment is truly pathetic. I wish for a better office to go to everyday. Some place where being good at your job makes you popular, not the opposite. 

I admit to readin Jax’s blog. I don’t know what drove me to go peak in, but I’m sorry that I did. It just brought all sorts of bad feelings up. So maybe I should just stay away from there altogether. 

My energy could still improve, but I’m pretty happy with how things have started. 

Sunset

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Score: +3

It’s the end of my three day weekend, and I feel good. This was just the thing I needed to get my head screwed on straight. I feel recharged and ready to begin the week. I got to spend some time with my parents and lots of good moments with Amanda and the boy. I like it when we are all together. It’s not perfect, but we are making do with what we have to offer. 

Rest, even bordering on boredom is necessary. I find that in the quiet time Amanda enjoys so much I find the solace to replenish my reservoirs. She has been very good about telling me that she feels good. Lately the meds have really been helping. She seems headed in the right direction. 

I’m doing fine. I know I was really down there for a while, but time and patience were both good remedies. I didn’t overreact or go apeshit, I just let the sadness pass over me, and together Amanda and I helped reduce my stress. With the triggers gone, my mood has climbed back up. I don’t think I’m at 100% yet, but I’m getting there. 

Overall things have been calm and steady. There’s no drama or crazy outbursts. Amanda and I are big picture oriented. We ride through day to day troubles with eyes for the future. It’s good to take incremental steps, but you must have a course in mind before making them. I think we are doing a good job of that. 

Goodnight. I look forward to hitting the ground running. 

One Step At A Time

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It’s too early in the day for a score.

I’m feeling relieved today. I am disconnected from my stress and about to embark on three days off. I used one of my floating holidays for Monday, since Amanda had the day off too. And Mondays are always such a struggle for me in the first place. So this will be a nice, battery-recharging weekend. When I do go back to work Tuesday, I should feel stable and strong again. At least, that is my hope. There is no way to be sure, and sometime early next week I should be realizing if the increased Lithium is working. I feel improvement now, but I was having a difficult time making energy-saving progress during the work week.

Things at home are relaxed. We are doing a few chores today, but mainly staying at home and lounging about. I feel like I could really use the time, the tranquility, to restore my vitality. That, and a good deal of weed. Ah yes, my succulent green friend, through all of this bad emotional chaos you have been the one bright spot. My worries and depressed symptoms are lifted from me for a time while I am under your sway. But the feeling is fleeting, and not worth chasing all the time. I get breaks from the sadness every now and then, which is something I hold on to. I was prescribed it for this very reason, you know?

The cats are desperate for my attention these days. Wednesday climbs up on the back of my chair and rubs my hair with her head, and Io follows me around meowing until I either pet her or pick her up and pet her. When I come home they both come right to the door to say hello. Sometimes they are mad because they had been without food or water all day, and it’s easy to tell when it’s one of THOSE days. I’m glad to have made two new kitty friends. I seem to have one more often than not in life, and there have been several over the years.

Well blog, I’m already feeling better. Things might just be looking up for a change.

The Scores: 1 Year

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My score is a numerical value placed on a rating of my mood and energy at the end of the day. I believe that if I am honest in my scrutiny of the facts,, that I can catch myself going in a bad direction and see it, and do something about it before it’s too late.

My average over the last 365 days is 2.88

scores0

scores1

scores2

I feel like as winter started, my strength deteriorated, I got hypo manic in early January and crashed, and I’ve been stumbling ever since. My lows are getting deeper, but I feel like I still need to give the new dose of lithium time to work. It’s only been a week. I had improvement today, though my score is still well below average. I am hoping the weekend rest and Monday off as well enough time to re-calibrate my composure. I am dangerously low on energy, and I need extra time to regain it. My boss understands this.

 

 

Down Then Up

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Score: 1.5

I’ve been putting off blogging. I haven’t felt much like sharing. I have turned inward a bit and have been struggling with depression for days. Low point was -3.5 which is s record. My energy is in the shit tank. Thankfully, things seem to be improving. 

Amanda and I had an earnest discussion and resolved to divide the household chores more evenly. I know I assumed this extra responsibility but I can’t go on at the speed I was going. I have to start taking smaller steps less leaps and bounds. My psych doctor thinks I was hypo manic for a time before crashing. I think that’s accurate. I even took on more that final week. Then boom. 

I’m doing better now. I’m still struggling in the morning. I had a full day today and it was fine. I kept busy but I just didn’t have the same umph I’ve had in the past. Maybe that’s the mania talking. I need something less than I had but more than I have now. I think things are going the right direction. 

I’m up to 900 mg of lithium. It’s still not even a starter dose but they want blood work done. I’m supposed to go in tomorrow and do it. I have to stay on top of that shit. 

Well, goodnight. I’m hopeful some recharging action will take place. 

Smash

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Score: -2

After therapy last night I really came to terms with my state. I am sliding down into depression, and the circumstances of my life and my responsibilities are crushing me flat. I can no longer hold my end up, and I am calling out for help. I’m feeling lost and isolated. I’ve never felt more disconnected from happiness. 

Amanda has stepped up and taken on more responsibility as I just can’t keep doing all the things I was doing. I talked to my dad today and he doesn’t want to see me drag my life down trying to make things work the way they are. He’s scared I will crash and burn and force us all to start over again. I don’t think that’s where we are headed, because Amanda and I desire change. We don’t want to be down forever. 

I’m out of gas. My enthusiasm has drained out of me through the open wound of unending sadness. The depression is beginning. I am going to see my doctor tomorrow and bounce some ideas off her. Maybe we can alter my medication temporarily to get me through this tough time. 

I’m short on words because they’re all bunched up in my throat just stuck there. I can’t think clearly, and I’m volatile. I just hope that tomorrow is better, and my doctor can help me. 

Toil

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Score: +2.5

When the energy is down, things are harder. Today I endured despite sluggishness, and that stiff feeling you get when its cold. It’s actually cold, so that could have been a part of it…

I’m hopeful we can rebound from the recent hardships we have been through. Amanda is still having a hard time going to work, and there is always something preventing us from resuming normal life. We both yearn for stability, but getting there is another matter entirely. I guess I’m being foolishly optimistic thinking that a return to normal is possible. Normal is insubstantial, because all that matters is the now, and now can be hard, but it is happening and there is no avoiding it. I’m done waisting time hoping for a break. Life doesn’t give out breaks, it gives out knuckle sandwiches. 

Yes things are hard. I’m doing the best I can to survive, and doing a good job of it. I go see Margaret tomorrow and that aught to be fun. Therapy is always refreshing with her. 

Have s good night blog. It’s only Monday.