Hello again blog. I know it has been a few days. I feel like I am on a somewhat inward journey of late. I have been distracting myself from feeling bad with video games a little bit too, I guess. The overlying sadness is less than it was before, but it is still there. I have its weight on me, every day. I feel that I am stronger now than I was say two weeks ago, but I am at a substandard level overall.
I’m finding the time to write to you as Amanda is at her parents place tonight and I am alone in the apartment. I don’t feel sad or bored. I kept busy. I made some coffee. Amanda is getting away from the environment that has caused her to relapse somewhat. She is recognizing a bad pattern and attacking it head on. I admire her for being willing to ask for a night to think. We have always been such good communicators, all the way through. Hard times or not, we were always able to process without fighting. I have yet to raise my voice in anger, and she had never yelled at me or called me names or swore at me. It’s been a year plus of tranquility and rationality. Fucking sweet, right?
I hope she finds comfort and clear thoughts. She has a lot she’s grappling with. I wish I could be there, but independence is what it is. We must be able to define ourselves as distinct. Identity is not established in partnerships, it is gnawed away at slowly like a billion termites eating a log cabin. Sometimes space is necessary to feel grounded and secure. Truth.
Tonight, I’m relaxing in bed prematurely because I’m not watching House MD until Amanda comes back and we can watch them together. It’s a good show. They get lab results faster than is remotely possible, but I’m willing to suspend reality for interesting cases.