Smash

Score: -2

After therapy last night I really came to terms with my state. I am sliding down into depression, and the circumstances of my life and my responsibilities are crushing me flat. I can no longer hold my end up, and I am calling out for help. I’m feeling lost and isolated. I’ve never felt more disconnected from happiness. 

Amanda has stepped up and taken on more responsibility as I just can’t keep doing all the things I was doing. I talked to my dad today and he doesn’t want to see me drag my life down trying to make things work the way they are. He’s scared I will crash and burn and force us all to start over again. I don’t think that’s where we are headed, because Amanda and I desire change. We don’t want to be down forever. 

I’m out of gas. My enthusiasm has drained out of me through the open wound of unending sadness. The depression is beginning. I am going to see my doctor tomorrow and bounce some ideas off her. Maybe we can alter my medication temporarily to get me through this tough time. 

I’m short on words because they’re all bunched up in my throat just stuck there. I can’t think clearly, and I’m volatile. I just hope that tomorrow is better, and my doctor can help me. 

Toil

Score: +2.5

When the energy is down, things are harder. Today I endured despite sluggishness, and that stiff feeling you get when its cold. It’s actually cold, so that could have been a part of it…

I’m hopeful we can rebound from the recent hardships we have been through. Amanda is still having a hard time going to work, and there is always something preventing us from resuming normal life. We both yearn for stability, but getting there is another matter entirely. I guess I’m being foolishly optimistic thinking that a return to normal is possible. Normal is insubstantial, because all that matters is the now, and now can be hard, but it is happening and there is no avoiding it. I’m done waisting time hoping for a break. Life doesn’t give out breaks, it gives out knuckle sandwiches. 

Yes things are hard. I’m doing the best I can to survive, and doing a good job of it. I go see Margaret tomorrow and that aught to be fun. Therapy is always refreshing with her. 

Have s good night blog. It’s only Monday.