My dad went into the ER last night as his spinal stenosis has advanced to the point of total loss of motor control. He went in and they did some CT scans and a specialist reviewed them. They gave my dad a terminal diagnosis with no chance to operate. His spine is being sawed in half. He could die at any time in his sleep.
I was not anticipating so severe an outcome. Now my dad has a short time left to live. Should I abandon everything to be with him? I am still on the fence about how to proceed. The best I have to offer is compassion, and understanding for my mom and sister. They will be suffering, and we will need to hold each other up sometimes. My philosophy towards death is still unchanged, even now. Pain is still real, and my sadness over the loss of my dad is also real. How and when I chose to realize that is up to me. In my private moments, maybe with Amanda there to hold me, I will find myself understanding the sorrow of losing a father and a friend.
Tonight the loss is here, but so is joy, and happiness that he has brought into my life. So many good memories, my passion for music, my logic and reasoning. He has helped shape me into who I am. I am proud to be his son, and carry his name on into the future.