Yellow

She,

Warm as sunlit skin,

Radiating from within. 

From the quiet space of suspicion,

A lingering cold–

Born of loss, pain. 

These uncovered briefly,

To reminisce and become lost. 

The dread of empty days,

Shattered hands grasp,

Deep in the well of what could be. 

Forget the world without yellow.  

Waking in the morning, 

Feeling her there,

The shadows fade. 

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Many Leaves

Score: +2.5

Monday is always harder if one has been a listless vegetable for two days prior. I’m not blaming anyone but myself here, and yes, it is still a matter of fact. Things in my world are holding steady. I’m making a hardcore effort to clock several 40 hour weeks in a row to stabilize my situation. I need consistency. I have to demonstrate this for myself. 

Amanda has been doing better. The hormone therapy is working, and she’s getting to work now more often than not. I’m so proud of her right now. She’s really taking charge and owning her life. We’re going to move by the end of next month, which I’m excited about. We want to start over in our own place. This is a positive development for sure. 

My troubling thoughts are down to a very minimal level. I get bad feelings from time to time, but this all seems natural. Abnormal behaviors acquire my concern. 

My dad is out of rehab and is now in an apartment with my mom while he continues to work towards walking again. Hopefully in a few months he can get there. I know he’s determined. 

We are all just trying to stay floating. Life has dealt some critical blows lately, and we have been reeling. But change towards a positive is coming. Even if at times the tree is bare, there will come a day when it is full of green leaves again. 

Circumstances

I’ve been reflecting lately, and I’m simply amazed by the journey I have been on. Words I would use to describe my current situation might be: stable, happy, engaged and thankful. 2 years ago they would have been: doubtful, volatile, frustrated and lost. My last relationship was much like the ones before it; based on sex and passion and not so great with the understanding. This is a lot my fault, because I listened to my dick before my mind. I had to make some form of progress from that point, as yet another failure would be utterly devastating. I knew back then that two things needed to happen… I needed to become a better person and from there, find a better partner. 

The task was to become my own best friend. For all my life I hated who I was, and turned away from self respect. I bloated my body with fattening food after my first divorce and have been fighting obesity ever since. It’s easy to hate something you find abhorrent, right?

 So I needed to radically adjust my perspective on myself. This in no way just magically happened, but rather, I went to therapy and talked about strategies for how to handle my mind, my reactions to things, and my cognitive processes. Then I took those theories and implemented them; this blog bring one of those things. One step in the right direction one day, then another small move the next. Soon, a history of minor successes forms, demonstrating a stable and positive pattern. Subsequently, the longer the pattern goes, the more stable and fulfilling the process becomes. 

I chose Amanda because I saw a person who was very different from anyone I had ever dated. If Jax was a sparking fire, Amanda is a cold stone covered in moss. She is real, practical, caring and struggling. She needs someone like me, just like I need her to crate the bedrock of our stability. 16 months in, we haven’t had one real fight. No yelling of any kind. No name calling it throwing of objects. Instead, there’s practical discussion and problem solving. It just goes to show that education has little to do with the fundamentals of communication. Jen was a graduate student, and I’ve never had a harder time talking to anyone in my life. 

I know how hard it was to make the progress I have. The willingness to learn and improve is not universal, as evidenced by the stymying lack of change affected by my most recent ex. She’s still in this place where everyone does things to her and she is just a victim. People who never took responsibility for their actions before are not inclined to break free of the self indulging and/or delusional reality in which they reside. I had hoped for better for her, and I have been disappointed yet again. 

If it was easy, everyone would do it. The fact that it’s hard is what makes it great. 
I think I’m paraphrasing a Tom Hanks quote from A League Of Their Own. 

Goodnight. 

Dry Bread

Score: +3

I haven’t felt the need to write as much because things are going good right now. I am a bit on the exhausted side, but I’m still forging ahead into new positive territory. Amanda has been doing dramatically better since we started her hormone replacement treatment. She is motivated, working, and things are generally looking up for us.

I’m tired though. I’m missing a day here or there, but I’m holding into the pattern. This month is going to be a bit crazy, as I have the on call phone next week and work 7 days in a row at the end of the month. Nice paycheck, but ouch. Things at work have been fine for me, not so much for the delinquents. I’m minding my own business, but it sounds to me like management is finally getting tired with the antics. They have been taking people aside and talking to them alone recently. I wonder if the home office is coming down on the supervisors for the behavior of the agents in the call center. All I know for sure is I’m going to keep my head down and make sure I’m busy all day long.

I am in dire straits financially, but next Thursday things will be restored to normal. And there’s a lot of extra money coming in this month. For this I am glad.

 

Short posts mean things are moving along without conflict or contention. Excellent.

Every Step Counts

My life has been unusually stressful of late, but now things are finally settling down. My dad is in a rehab facility learning how to walk again. There has been such an outpouring of love for him. The family closed in and protected one of their patriarchs. Progress has been made since surgery. In fact, I believe all 36 of his staples will be coming out on Friday. His goal is to walk unassisted, but I believe he will need the walker, to be safe. If he fell that could still be a disaster.  

Amanda and I went together to see her psychiatrist a week and a half ago. After describing her symptoms is as elaborate a fashion as I could manage, he came up with an entirely alternate treatment. He prescribed thyroid hormone. Since Amanda has started taking the medication, there has been a significant change in attitude, energy, motivation, and her general enthusiasm continues to grow. She’s determined to get herself a new job, and my mom is helping in the search. Things are going great for her right now. I am so glad we went together and talked to him. It has made a WORLD of difference. 

As for me, I’m doing ok. I was able to be a rock for my mom when we all thought my dad was going to die. I helped her get grounded the other day when she and dad were at odds. Sometimes she just floats so far away from reality that everything gets scary and unreal. I help her find gravity. Reason, in a way she can understand. 

I will continue to work hard and build up a little life for myself. Seems to be working out so far. I’m proud. I’m doing good at work, getting lots of positive feedback. I have lots to learn still, but I’m getting there. I still like what I do, and especially now that I handle much bigger issues. 

Ta at for now.