I’ve been reflecting lately, and I’m simply amazed by the journey I have been on. Words I would use to describe my current situation might be: stable, happy, engaged and thankful. 2 years ago they would have been: doubtful, volatile, frustrated and lost. My last relationship was much like the ones before it; based on sex and passion and not so great with the understanding. This is a lot my fault, because I listened to my dick before my mind. I had to make some form of progress from that point, as yet another failure would be utterly devastating. I knew back then that two things needed to happen… I needed to become a better person and from there, find a better partner.
The task was to become my own best friend. For all my life I hated who I was, and turned away from self respect. I bloated my body with fattening food after my first divorce and have been fighting obesity ever since. It’s easy to hate something you find abhorrent, right?
So I needed to radically adjust my perspective on myself. This in no way just magically happened, but rather, I went to therapy and talked about strategies for how to handle my mind, my reactions to things, and my cognitive processes. Then I took those theories and implemented them; this blog bring one of those things. One step in the right direction one day, then another small move the next. Soon, a history of minor successes forms, demonstrating a stable and positive pattern. Subsequently, the longer the pattern goes, the more stable and fulfilling the process becomes.
I chose Amanda because I saw a person who was very different from anyone I had ever dated. If Jax was a sparking fire, Amanda is a cold stone covered in moss. She is real, practical, caring and struggling. She needs someone like me, just like I need her to crate the bedrock of our stability. 16 months in, we haven’t had one real fight. No yelling of any kind. No name calling it throwing of objects. Instead, there’s practical discussion and problem solving. It just goes to show that education has little to do with the fundamentals of communication. Jen was a graduate student, and I’ve never had a harder time talking to anyone in my life.
I know how hard it was to make the progress I have. The willingness to learn and improve is not universal, as evidenced by the stymying lack of change affected by my most recent ex. She’s still in this place where everyone does things to her and she is just a victim. People who never took responsibility for their actions before are not inclined to break free of the self indulging and/or delusional reality in which they reside. I had hoped for better for her, and I have been disappointed yet again.
If it was easy, everyone would do it. The fact that it’s hard is what makes it great.
I think I’m paraphrasing a Tom Hanks quote from A League Of Their Own.