Baked

Things in my world have been stressful these past few weeks, but now seem to be headed in a positive direction. I am working towards a promotion at my job, but nothing is certain. I still have to compete with others. I have confidence that I can emerge from the fray as the victor. I’m conflicted because I’m also interviewing for a job at Petco park on Tuesday. I don’t think I’m going to take it, but it would be nice to have in my back pocket in case MM offers barely any more money along with the promotion. We shall see. 

Amanda and I are in the midst of our glorious three day weekend. We have partied pretty hard up to this point. We’ve made a healthy dent in the 8.0 grams I bought on Thursday. But what can I say? I do like to bake. And thankfully, so does Amanda. I’ve basically ruined that girl. She was all anti pot for most of her life. And now look at her: miss  Smokey McSmokerson. I’m pretty pleased with the whole arrangement. 

My spirits are up. I was very down for a while there, but situation adjusted. Attitude improved. Whatever we want to call it. I had hope before where there was none. I am pleased with the direction things are heading. I just have to hold course. Wish me luck!

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Improvement Achieved

Score: +2.5

Huge change today. I felt good, and was able to maintain a high energy level. I got home and still felt in plus territory. 

I have been job searching, but today I found out a new position would be soon available at my current job. Catch is, I have to demonstrate a pattern of consistency. I need to get some cred so I can apply and get it. It would be a QA and training type job. Different from what I am doing now but some the same. I would be in line for a promotion and maybe even the raise I need to forward my life. I was given hope today where I had none. 

I will still keep searching, but would rather stay where I am and be challenged in a new way. That would be ideal. 

I think I hit the bottom, and now I’m coming back up. Still a bit turbulent. I improved more than I was expecting today. 

Well blog, things are looking up. 

Emphasis On Survival

Score: +1

Another miserable day fighting my negative voices. They won again, and I only worked a half-shift. I don’t know. I resent being there. I take little from what I do now. Stress and pressure have crushed me flat. Right now, I’m just trying to survive my life. This is clearly part of a downward swing. Events culminating in sadness to great to hold back. I’m not doing the best I can. I know I can do better. 

I wish things were simpler, but they’re not. Everywhere I turn problems arise. The wold is in suspend and I’m slowing down progress. But how do you push with energy you don’t have? I’m STRUGGLING right now, and you ask for more? There’s no other way. It’s blitz or die. 

I’m generally disappointed in myself. I’m falling behind, barely hanging on to what I have left. The dark feels like it’s all around me now. I don’t like where I am, and I must find a way to affect change. For now, I’m just hoping tomorrow I won’t give up on my day. I need to establish a good pattern. At this very moment I don’t see how I’m going to get there. 

To Tire

I feel like I want to give up sometimes. It’s a feeling like being so ridiculously tired that all I can manage to do is sit. The more responsibility I take on, the less I have left by the end of the day. I’m just complaining. It’s justified, but I solve nothing by whining. 

I know things are going to get better, because I have hope. It’s eternal in me, and I endeavor to believe. I’m not always certain, as any human might have moments where core beliefs are questioned. I don’t loose sight of who I am, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes if what I’m doing is right. But what is right? It’s clearly not what feels good on first glance. Life is a series of tests of varying difficulty, all one can do is prove worthy of the challenge. I’m prideful, and I don’t surrender unless soundly defeated. I have given up at times. I hope I don’t have to again. 

I’m not unhappy in my heart. I have a relationship I’m proud of, and one that makes me feel safe and stable. Things have been strong in that department. We need consistency, and we don’t have lives that promote that right now. Things are in flux. We can’t seem to just lock in to a routine and go. I want to establish my own pattern. I need to, in order to stay sane and healthy. 

Eventually the climate will change, or some oppressive factor will go away. Something. There’s no point in trying to fathom the outcomes. 

I know what I need to do. I will endeavor to not dwell on the things that have been swirling around causing me stress. It’s hard, and sometimes I panic so much I can feel it boiling my blood, crushing my chest as it attempts to snuff me into oblivion. I do everything I can, and sometimes I lose, but I never lose hope. 

Failed

Score: +1

I’m almost certain I didn’t get the job. In spite of this, I continue to look for another source of income. I am starting to become unhappy with the work. I take no joy from going, I just realize what effort I have to bring to make it all work. It’s a hefty burden for a person such as myself, but I have no choice right now. Everything is hinged upon my ability to do something different and get paid more.

I hate the pressure of it. The stress of looking and working, and juggling the chaos in between. I recently ran out of lithium, and I was dry for more than 2 days. Needless to say, It was a mess. I was having a lot of emotional instability, and bad thoughts. But then I got back on track a day or so ago. However, I took today for myself, for really no other reason than I didn’t want to go. If people there really cared, they would make me feel cared for. I’m barely hanging on, and one day soon I will let go. I was not meant to do this forever, it’s clear.

I feel like tonight I will rest, but I will be no more enthusiastic about Tuesday as I was this morning. I will go however, and subject myself to yet another day of endless struggle. There are always problems; it never stops.

I don’t have many words tonight. I’m frustrated, stuck and not advancing my goals. I’m mired and not going anywhere. I hope things change soon.

The Unknown Doom

Score: +2.5

I had my in-person interviews today, and not just one mind you, but three. Two in the office, one remotely. I interviewed for 2 hours and 45 minutes. That was on top of working a busy Monday morning at MM.

I am of two minds about the events that followed. I recognize that I excel at communication in both written and verbal formats. Today that skill was put to the test with an onslaught of deep and probing inquiries. I procured examples, I gave anecdotes, I answered question after question with elegance. I was practically completing this one guy’s sentences. I was able to correlate my background to what they do, and apply my own work experience to my value. I Impressed on multiple levels.

But I had a gaff where my entire brain shut down on me. I just started saying words and they were about to make no sense, and so I stopped myself and choked them back down, and changed the subject. I also lost track of the question the interviewer said as I was relaying a relevant story, I basically had to ask twice, which makes me look like a retard. So, I’m a retard AND brain dead. Two great things to make apparent during a life-changing bid at a new future. What I’ve done, is given someone else they interview to do better than I did. I am not going to hold off someone who does what I should have, and fucking nail it. At this point, I view my chances of advancing as small. This job pays what I’m looking for, and holds the key to new life. But I’ve failed by making two clear mistakes, and all someone has to do is make 1 or fewer, and they get the job, not me.

I don’t know which side to choose. They both have facts behind them, that’s what makes this difficult. If only there were some way to compromise the two interpretations without one destroying the other. I aught to sit here and take some time to ponder the two feelings I have about today, and just listen to them. There’s a lot going on right now in my mind, it’s like pancakes are flying around everywhere. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to be too deeply introspective. I’m in more of a mental shut-down. It’s been a very long day, I drove far away to get to the job and back, and I would have to every day for a long time, theoretically. There are so many things that would change. I don’t know if I’m happy, or scared. I’m not sure what’s going on at all, actually. Freefall. Eject!

The Waiting

Score: +2.5

I’m winding down the last few hours of my day as the work week approaches. I feel like things are teetering on the brink of change. My interview is tomorrow as well, so I have lots of nervous energy dancing around. It seems like excitement and anxiety mixing together. I’m skinny, but otherwise feeling good about things. 

I spent some time with my parents today, it being Mother’s Day and all. I’m broke and couldn’t get anything for Amanda but I told her how I felt. She does such hard work, beyond anything I could do. She deserves a treat but I couldn’t do it. This is why things need to change in my world. 

I’m hopeful for a good outcome tomorrow, but I fear being stuck in this same old pattern again. I hate being so paralyzed by finances, limited. I just want to be out of the hole and on to better things. 

I’m going to lay down early tonight. So many thoughts going around.