Monthly Archives: May 2016

Baked

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Things in my world have been stressful these past few weeks, but now seem to be headed in a positive direction. I am working towards a promotion at my job, but nothing is certain. I still have to compete with others. I have confidence that I can emerge from the fray as the victor. I’m conflicted because I’m also interviewing for a job at Petco park on Tuesday. I don’t think I’m going to take it, but it would be nice to have in my back pocket in case MM offers barely any more money along with the promotion. We shall see. 

Amanda and I are in the midst of our glorious three day weekend. We have partied pretty hard up to this point. We’ve made a healthy dent in the 8.0 grams I bought on Thursday. But what can I say? I do like to bake. And thankfully, so does Amanda. I’ve basically ruined that girl. She was all anti pot for most of her life. And now look at her: miss  Smokey McSmokerson. I’m pretty pleased with the whole arrangement. 

My spirits are up. I was very down for a while there, but situation adjusted. Attitude improved. Whatever we want to call it. I had hope before where there was none. I am pleased with the direction things are heading. I just have to hold course. Wish me luck!

Improvement Achieved

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Score: +2.5

Huge change today. I felt good, and was able to maintain a high energy level. I got home and still felt in plus territory. 

I have been job searching, but today I found out a new position would be soon available at my current job. Catch is, I have to demonstrate a pattern of consistency. I need to get some cred so I can apply and get it. It would be a QA and training type job. Different from what I am doing now but some the same. I would be in line for a promotion and maybe even the raise I need to forward my life. I was given hope today where I had none. 

I will still keep searching, but would rather stay where I am and be challenged in a new way. That would be ideal. 

I think I hit the bottom, and now I’m coming back up. Still a bit turbulent. I improved more than I was expecting today. 

Well blog, things are looking up. 

Emphasis On Survival

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Score: +1

Another miserable day fighting my negative voices. They won again, and I only worked a half-shift. I don’t know. I resent being there. I take little from what I do now. Stress and pressure have crushed me flat. Right now, I’m just trying to survive my life. This is clearly part of a downward swing. Events culminating in sadness to great to hold back. I’m not doing the best I can. I know I can do better. 

I wish things were simpler, but they’re not. Everywhere I turn problems arise. The wold is in suspend and I’m slowing down progress. But how do you push with energy you don’t have? I’m STRUGGLING right now, and you ask for more? There’s no other way. It’s blitz or die. 

I’m generally disappointed in myself. I’m falling behind, barely hanging on to what I have left. The dark feels like it’s all around me now. I don’t like where I am, and I must find a way to affect change. For now, I’m just hoping tomorrow I won’t give up on my day. I need to establish a good pattern. At this very moment I don’t see how I’m going to get there. 

To Tire

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I feel like I want to give up sometimes. It’s a feeling like being so ridiculously tired that all I can manage to do is sit. The more responsibility I take on, the less I have left by the end of the day. I’m just complaining. It’s justified, but I solve nothing by whining. 

I know things are going to get better, because I have hope. It’s eternal in me, and I endeavor to believe. I’m not always certain, as any human might have moments where core beliefs are questioned. I don’t loose sight of who I am, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes if what I’m doing is right. But what is right? It’s clearly not what feels good on first glance. Life is a series of tests of varying difficulty, all one can do is prove worthy of the challenge. I’m prideful, and I don’t surrender unless soundly defeated. I have given up at times. I hope I don’t have to again. 

I’m not unhappy in my heart. I have a relationship I’m proud of, and one that makes me feel safe and stable. Things have been strong in that department. We need consistency, and we don’t have lives that promote that right now. Things are in flux. We can’t seem to just lock in to a routine and go. I want to establish my own pattern. I need to, in order to stay sane and healthy. 

Eventually the climate will change, or some oppressive factor will go away. Something. There’s no point in trying to fathom the outcomes. 

I know what I need to do. I will endeavor to not dwell on the things that have been swirling around causing me stress. It’s hard, and sometimes I panic so much I can feel it boiling my blood, crushing my chest as it attempts to snuff me into oblivion. I do everything I can, and sometimes I lose, but I never lose hope. 

Failed

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Score: +1

I’m almost certain I didn’t get the job. In spite of this, I continue to look for another source of income. I am starting to become unhappy with the work. I take no joy from going, I just realize what effort I have to bring to make it all work. It’s a hefty burden for a person such as myself, but I have no choice right now. Everything is hinged upon my ability to do something different and get paid more.

I hate the pressure of it. The stress of looking and working, and juggling the chaos in between. I recently ran out of lithium, and I was dry for more than 2 days. Needless to say, It was a mess. I was having a lot of emotional instability, and bad thoughts. But then I got back on track a day or so ago. However, I took today for myself, for really no other reason than I didn’t want to go. If people there really cared, they would make me feel cared for. I’m barely hanging on, and one day soon I will let go. I was not meant to do this forever, it’s clear.

I feel like tonight I will rest, but I will be no more enthusiastic about Tuesday as I was this morning. I will go however, and subject myself to yet another day of endless struggle. There are always problems; it never stops.

I don’t have many words tonight. I’m frustrated, stuck and not advancing my goals. I’m mired and not going anywhere. I hope things change soon.

The Unknown Doom

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Score: +2.5

I had my in-person interviews today, and not just one mind you, but three. Two in the office, one remotely. I interviewed for 2 hours and 45 minutes. That was on top of working a busy Monday morning at MM.

I am of two minds about the events that followed. I recognize that I excel at communication in both written and verbal formats. Today that skill was put to the test with an onslaught of deep and probing inquiries. I procured examples, I gave anecdotes, I answered question after question with elegance. I was practically completing this one guy’s sentences. I was able to correlate my background to what they do, and apply my own work experience to my value. I Impressed on multiple levels.

But I had a gaff where my entire brain shut down on me. I just started saying words and they were about to make no sense, and so I stopped myself and choked them back down, and changed the subject. I also lost track of the question the interviewer said as I was relaying a relevant story, I basically had to ask twice, which makes me look like a retard. So, I’m a retard AND brain dead. Two great things to make apparent during a life-changing bid at a new future. What I’ve done, is given someone else they interview to do better than I did. I am not going to hold off someone who does what I should have, and fucking nail it. At this point, I view my chances of advancing as small. This job pays what I’m looking for, and holds the key to new life. But I’ve failed by making two clear mistakes, and all someone has to do is make 1 or fewer, and they get the job, not me.

I don’t know which side to choose. They both have facts behind them, that’s what makes this difficult. If only there were some way to compromise the two interpretations without one destroying the other. I aught to sit here and take some time to ponder the two feelings I have about today, and just listen to them. There’s a lot going on right now in my mind, it’s like pancakes are flying around everywhere. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to be too deeply introspective. I’m in more of a mental shut-down. It’s been a very long day, I drove far away to get to the job and back, and I would have to every day for a long time, theoretically. There are so many things that would change. I don’t know if I’m happy, or scared. I’m not sure what’s going on at all, actually. Freefall. Eject!

The Waiting

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Score: +2.5

I’m winding down the last few hours of my day as the work week approaches. I feel like things are teetering on the brink of change. My interview is tomorrow as well, so I have lots of nervous energy dancing around. It seems like excitement and anxiety mixing together. I’m skinny, but otherwise feeling good about things. 

I spent some time with my parents today, it being Mother’s Day and all. I’m broke and couldn’t get anything for Amanda but I told her how I felt. She does such hard work, beyond anything I could do. She deserves a treat but I couldn’t do it. This is why things need to change in my world. 

I’m hopeful for a good outcome tomorrow, but I fear being stuck in this same old pattern again. I hate being so paralyzed by finances, limited. I just want to be out of the hole and on to better things. 

I’m going to lay down early tonight. So many thoughts going around. 

There’s Always Hope

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Score: +2.5

It was another stressful day at work today, abbreviated by an anxiety attack. I got super anxious for several reasons: Amanda was 5 days late, and pregnancy was plausible, I had a lot of stress from a situation at work AND I had a job interview in the afternoon. I had pressure on my chest, sweaty palms, shaking and rapid thoughts. I just couldn’t be there in my little cube anymore, I needed relief from the symptoms. I went home and calmed down with my green friend, with plenty of time to come down before my interview.

Once I was out of the office, things got better. I nailed the interview, and advanced to the next review round with the hiring manager. I may be offered the job, but have to refuse because of the pay… if it’s not enough to justify making the commute in my old pooped-out truck. I felt great on the phone, I do really well in interview situations. I hope I impressed, the lady I interviewed with had nothing but good things to say.

I hope that life has some interesting new boon to bestow upon me, because I need it right now. I need a little push in a positive direction.

I’ve also been reflecting on my mental health journey. I believe my success is directly linked to my personal accountability. I own my life, and therefore, have an unpolluted view of it. It’s not easy, because you have to surrender dignity to build it back up again. Pride built purely off the foundations of resolve comes to be strong and legitimate, and not boosted by delusion or spun interpretation. Life is easy to beguile if you are insecure, or otherwise afraid of the reality of how things are. There is no hope in this route, which is why try to be as introspective as possible, to avoid staring in on myself too much instead of outward. It’s fundamental to believe in something that is true; building reality off of lies only leads to destruction. Lies can’t carry the burden of surviving in the real world, because the world does not capitulate to your own personal delusion. I had to utterly fail in order to break free from the web of falsehood, and much of it my own doing.

I was scared about Amanda being pregnant because that truly would have changed our lives in a very difficult way. There are both good and bad things, namely the financial implications of paying for a new person. If I was going to have a baby with someone, shouldn’t some planning go into it? It shouldn’t just happen. I was scared that our lives as we knew them were basically over if she turned out to be pregnant. Amanda is a good choice of partner, but things of THAT magnitude should be heavily contemplated before enacted. I was relieved when she said she started her period, but boy was I wound up just before that.

 

Well bolg, there’s all kinds of stuff flying around in my world these days, it’s hard to keep track of. I hope you guys have a better time trying to get to sleep than I will.

That Was Different

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Score: +3.5

Compared to the utter suckfest of yesterday, my Tuesday was downright awesome! I got a phone interview with a cool company, and I’m really thinking I’m going to make a good impression when I call in on Thursday. I usually get far when I get to talk to someone. I am looking forward to walking in to Mike’s office and laying it all out there. Boom… pay me or I walk. If it happens this fast I would be truly amazed, but my goal is to continue to job search until I land in a place where my talents can be put to better use. I basically created the job I have now, and all the responsibilities therein. 

Then at work the whole Romanian dispatch team sent an email to everyone in our call center thanking me for being so fucking awesome. Needless to say, my peers could give a fuck, but I treasure recognition. I got a bunch of points too in our reward system. I was on cloud nine by the end of the day. 

I need confidence boosts from time to time, and this is just more evidence of how much they need me. Now, if only they would pay me like they need me.

I feel good. I sang on the way home. Amanda bought me some weed. Hot damn I love that woman! Perfect cherry on my day was a bongload of fresh green. It was epic. I’m crawling into bed feeling resolved in my choices, determined to get what I deserve. I’m proud today, as I am greatly appreciated for the quality and effort in the work I do. 

I have teeny tiny anxieties too. They whisper of bad things. I fear the outcomes they describe where I get fucked up the ass. In the business world, it’s easy to see as a possible fate. I don’t give these things a lot of time in the spotlight. I look at them and then throw them aside. Logic has a firm grip on anxiety these days; a symptom of a healthy mind. 

Another day, another check-in. But at least this one had some good shit in it. 

Compensation

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Score: +2

It was a brutal and exhausting day, and it has brought into focus my whole situation. I’m tired of making shit money and barely surviving after giving every last scrap of effort I have. I don’t give half-assed effort, as this incurs shame in place of pride. So today I asked again for a raise, but this time, I am planning on them saying no and me finding a new job. If they pony up and offer me something decent I will stay, but I get the feeling they don’t appreciate what I bring. Or, if they do, they might not want to reward me for it. This is a corporate entity, and I am expendable. But I know for a fact that there isn’t anyone who is going to fill in for me the way I did. I got shit done, and quickly. 

So it’s really on them to come up with something, and soon. I’m applying for jobs every day, and I will continue to do so until I’m where I want to be. I want to move with Amanda to a house that we share and start our lives there. We were both so excited, and I feel like I smashed that enthusiasm with the stark reality of my salary. I can’t contribute what I need to to advance our lives. However, I am hoping to change that. 

So the wheels are turning on my future. I’m hopeful the easiest solution will be the one that resolves, and life can move forward unperturbed. I’m ready for a challenge if that’s what it takes. 

Wish me luck blog. I’m very prepared to have my dreams dashed and hopes crushed by the merciless machine of corporations. 

Tribute

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I have been in a few relationships, and experienced both great suffering and unfathomable joy. The extremes of my past are as apparent as my disorder, yet I find myself now in uncharted waters. For once in my life I am finally happy, and in a relationship that has both sincerity and strength. I have changed my way of approaching companionship and now I feel significantly more stable. 

Amanda was in a relationship with a bad communicator, so her I ate skills are a tad rusty. But I know she tries and truly does want to have an open discourse in our partnership. We can engage and resolve all in one tidy little conversation on nearly every topic imaginable. I admire her strength, because she as a significantly heavier burden and handles it plus extra. I look up to her when I struggle, and her unwavering calmness despite all the anxious torment in her mind. I’m not saying it’s all fluffy bunnies and scented candles, but we have demonstrated more compatibility than any other partner I have ever had. 

We’re well past a year together, and there are only more options available for solidifying our future together on the horizon. I love her in a way I never thought I could love anyone. Above all else, she makes me feel real, and proud. I am dating a good person, with a kind heart and patience beyond measure. She’s determined and observant. I look forward to 3:10 pm on weekdays because I know my day is about to get a whole lot better. 

Amanda, I adore you. Goodnight. 

It’s Always Something

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Score: +3

I need to establish confidence. My endurance is being tested these days. I toil fruitlessly and I wish for my trial to be at an end. Life has been particularly tough on me lately. Financially I’m barely hanging on. I think better times are ahead, but there will be struggles. 

I’m enjoying my one day weekend as much as possible, but I’m falling short. I have no more weed, and won’t be able to get any for a while. I also just feel kinda off today. I have been proactive in advancing my goals however. I know things need to change, but how remains a mystery. I find that sometimes it’s ok to not know the outcome, and that things tend to fall into place as they happen. I don’t mind dealing with issues when they are directly in front of me, as worrying about them does no good. 

I’m actively looking for a new job and intend on using said job as leverage to get what I want. If my current employer won’t cooperate, I’m gone in two weeks. I work so fucking hard and have nothing to show for it. 

I wonder sometimes. I don’t know what I’m doing, and other times I feel fairly certain about things. I don’t really like that. I like to be certain. This is par for the course for recent events of my life. 

Blog, I just wish things were safer and stabler. Right now things feel very murky, and I feel somewhat stuck in my predicament. 

I’ve got on a bad mood right now. I feel like a total failure and a disappointment. I’m not holding up my end of the deal. 

I don’t know what to do right now. 

I go back to work tomorrow. I’m like 30% looking forward to it, 60% lost in a thick miasma of frustration and 10% dreading the work involved in what is to come. 

One thing I am happy with is my relationship. I love Amanda and I know that we make a good team together. There are many things we have yet to accomplish. We are also improving, and our progress forward is measurable. 

I know it kinda sucks right now, but this will not always be the case. Eventually, it will get better. Optimism, what would I do without you.