It’s Always Something

Score: +3

I need to establish confidence. My endurance is being tested these days. I toil fruitlessly and I wish for my trial to be at an end. Life has been particularly tough on me lately. Financially I’m barely hanging on. I think better times are ahead, but there will be struggles. 

I’m enjoying my one day weekend as much as possible, but I’m falling short. I have no more weed, and won’t be able to get any for a while. I also just feel kinda off today. I have been proactive in advancing my goals however. I know things need to change, but how remains a mystery. I find that sometimes it’s ok to not know the outcome, and that things tend to fall into place as they happen. I don’t mind dealing with issues when they are directly in front of me, as worrying about them does no good. 

I’m actively looking for a new job and intend on using said job as leverage to get what I want. If my current employer won’t cooperate, I’m gone in two weeks. I work so fucking hard and have nothing to show for it. 

I wonder sometimes. I don’t know what I’m doing, and other times I feel fairly certain about things. I don’t really like that. I like to be certain. This is par for the course for recent events of my life. 

Blog, I just wish things were safer and stabler. Right now things feel very murky, and I feel somewhat stuck in my predicament. 

I’ve got on a bad mood right now. I feel like a total failure and a disappointment. I’m not holding up my end of the deal. 

I don’t know what to do right now. 

I go back to work tomorrow. I’m like 30% looking forward to it, 60% lost in a thick miasma of frustration and 10% dreading the work involved in what is to come. 

One thing I am happy with is my relationship. I love Amanda and I know that we make a good team together. There are many things we have yet to accomplish. We are also improving, and our progress forward is measurable. 

I know it kinda sucks right now, but this will not always be the case. Eventually, it will get better. Optimism, what would I do without you.