Score: +2.5

It was another stressful day at work today, abbreviated by an anxiety attack. I got super anxious for several reasons: Amanda was 5 days late, and pregnancy was plausible, I had a lot of stress from a situation at work AND I had a job interview in the afternoon. I had pressure on my chest, sweaty palms, shaking and rapid thoughts. I just couldn’t be there in my little cube anymore, I needed relief from the symptoms. I went home and calmed down with my green friend, with plenty of time to come down before my interview.

Once I was out of the office, things got better. I nailed the interview, and advanced to the next review round with the hiring manager. I may be offered the job, but have to refuse because of the pay… if it’s not enough to justify making the commute in my old pooped-out truck. I felt great on the phone, I do really well in interview situations. I hope I impressed, the lady I interviewed with had nothing but good things to say.

I hope that life has some interesting new boon to bestow upon me, because I need it right now. I need a little push in a positive direction.

I’ve also been reflecting on my mental health journey. I believe my success is directly linked to my personal accountability. I own my life, and therefore, have an unpolluted view of it. It’s not easy, because you have to surrender dignity to build it back up again. Pride built purely off the foundations of resolve comes to be strong and legitimate, and not boosted by delusion or spun interpretation. Life is easy to beguile if you are insecure, or otherwise afraid of the reality of how things are. There is no hope in this route, which is why try to be as introspective as possible, to avoid staring in on myself too much instead of outward. It’s fundamental to believe in something that is true; building reality off of lies only leads to destruction. Lies can’t carry the burden of surviving in the real world, because the world does not capitulate to your own personal delusion. I had to utterly fail in order to break free from the web of falsehood, and much of it my own doing.

I was scared about Amanda being pregnant because that truly would have changed our lives in a very difficult way. There are both good and bad things, namely the financial implications of paying for a new person. If I was going to have a baby with someone, shouldn’t some planning go into it? It shouldn’t just happen. I was scared that our lives as we knew them were basically over if she turned out to be pregnant. Amanda is a good choice of partner, but things of THAT magnitude should be heavily contemplated before enacted. I was relieved when she said she started her period, but boy was I wound up just before that.

Well bolg, there’s all kinds of stuff flying around in my world these days, it’s hard to keep track of. I hope you guys have a better time trying to get to sleep than I will.