Hello blog. I have been pondering my current situation, and marveling at how vastly different it is from any other point in my life. I have been in a truly stable place for three years, and have enjoyed unprecedented good mental health. The meds I’m on are working great, and I am generally positive about things. I mean, I’m not unrealistic or delusionally happy or anything. Being stable has caused me to think more practically. I try to have a process and slow things down. I find this helps prevent situations from getting out of hand. But even my emotions are regular, not all hopped-up on neurochemicals. In reflection, I find I don’t have much to complain about.
So that’s where the dirt comes in. I have to talk to myself sometimes and give myself a firm kick in the ass in order to get where I need to go. I suffer, and I get all pudding-brain, but that’s life, bub. It’s not easy to get what you want. You have to fight constantly, and do your best to gain ground. I have my moments of weakness. I try to keep the distance between them far, as I have been lately. I’m coming up on a full month without a missed day. Sometimes I just have to tell myself that I can do it! That I can get right back out there and go for it. Scrape your knee? Rub some dirt on it and go get ’em there, choppy.
Sometimes a good thump is just what I need. Even if it has to come from me.
It was a brutal first day back. My energy was low, and I barely made it in. But I got there, and I toughed out my shift. Monday. And the work today was dreadful and ceaseless. I never got caught up.
But enough about work. In the personal domain, things are good. My life is headed in a more positive direction. I’m hopeful I will be promoted and get to do much more interesting work. I need change sometimes to re-inspire my interest in the world. I do ok in patterns, but the variables keep me alive. Right now, things are potentially transitioning and I’m anxious. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. The ambiguity is frustrating.
Now it’s family time. Just the three of us kicking it on week nights. I am hoping my energy improves tomorrow. Right now, holy shit. Where is the impulse to get up and go going to come from? Might be another multi-coffee-pot morning. No, very likely.
My teaching session is complete, after 4 days of Oracle training. The resounding opinion of my students is that I was their favorite, and that they thought I should be the one to get the promotion. I can’t describe fully how fantastic I feel after going through this. I was anxious and petrified over my teaching, and now, I feel more alive than I have felt in a long time. I gave my all on this one, and it really looks to have paid off.
Though, nothing is certain yet. I still have to allow time to pass and decisions to be made. I can’t go projecting my future at this point; I’ve been too shocked by reality to believe anything I want will actually work out. I have hope, but I don’t believe anything yet.
That being said, I am encourage by my boss’s review of my teaching style: I use a very dungeon master way of guiding the students, which I found to be most effective. I would pretend I was a customer, and force them to do the troubleshooting as if they were on the call. They would present solutions and I would continue spinning the reality to get them to perform the troubleshooting step that will fix the problem. When my boss was sitting in, he had a HUGE smile on his face while I did my thing. It was so gratifying. All that panic melted away, and I was in my element, doing my thing. It was epic.
I really do feel like my students absorbed the material they needed to. They were doing near-perfect exchanges and dispatches on the last day. They will require more help long-term since they didn’t get a full two weeks like I got. But they will be fine.
This was the best week I’ve had at mood since I started. I hope it is the thing I continue to do going forward. I really do.
Today I began the training for Oracle with the four new hires. I was pretty much in panic mode leading up to it. I spent hours going over documents, and polishing my activities before everything was to get started. I got in that room and a switch flipped. I started talking, explaining, and eventually, a coherent structure became apparent. I had a plan of attack for teaching this arduous subject. My curriculum worked brilliantly. They did the activities and had lots of great questions. 3/4 clicked, the other I’m paying special attention to so that I’m sure it will. Two of my supervisors have already been in to monitor my sessions. The big kahuna is coming in tomorrow morning to listen. I’m confident now. I have a thing going. I feel the mojo.
But my oh my did my energy get vacuumed off? I don’t know how I kept up the accelerated pace, but I did. And I put in a shift of more than 8 hours. Same for the next two days. I know I can do this, and win the promotion. I want it. I want out of the hole I’m in. I want a bigger, more expanded life. I work so hard and barely get by; now it’s my time to rise.
Amanda and I are into week 3 in a row and still going strong. No one has missed any time but there have been many difficult mornings. And rough nights too. But we pull it together just in time to get out the door. Consistency helps promote a healthy life. We are still doing a good job with food, and I believe we are both losing weight, albeit slowly.
This is a pretty good time to be me right now. I’m pleased with how things are going.
I haven’t blogged in a bit, as the stress level of life reached an all-time high last week, but things have been good. My parents moved, I had a phone interview followed by an in person interview at Petco Park, and I’m heading into my teaching days at MM. Next two days I’m teaching new hires Oracle, which is the most critical step in their education. It is the implementation of everything we do. So it’s kinda critical that they get this right. I thought the interview went good. It was totally spy gadget shit getting to the interview room, and I saw a Padres star. Left fielder Melvin Upton Jr.
I’m here in my bed, my chest pounding with anxiety. I feel nervous and excited. I also know there’s a lot of stuff I was doing that will go largely unattended for two days in the ticketing systems I manage. Catching up on all of that will not be fun. At all.
But really, I like the opportunity. It gives me a chance to be in front of people, and talk. Two things I enjoy. Plus it’s kinda like helping people, which I also like. I just hope it all makes sense to them. I want this promotion. I’m fighting tooth-and-nail for it. I think I’m an obvious sold choice for the job. The thought has crossed my mind that I won’t get it. I would be devastated, but continue looking for more work. My life moves forward, regardless of obstacles.
Mentally I’ve been on a bit of a roll. I haven’t missed a day in more than two weeks. Next paycheck is going to be good. Amanda and I are both doing swell. We’re on this consistency kick, and I really dig it. We have a good thing going right now.
I hope I get a good night’s sleep tonight.