Getting It Back

Score: +3.5

Things are stable right now and that’s key. I have been plugging away for multiple months and actually building PTO. Remember all thisev”off day” posts I had a while back? I know this new path I’m on will change me, and has already started to. 

Amanda is out this week for sure. I sad because I know she’s struggling and sometimes all I can do is be there for her. I want her to know I have her back, and that if she needs to take time to get right, take it. Anything to get us back to a healthy place. I know we are going to get there, as we keep taking steps in the right direction. I have to discover within myself how I can help us both through this time. 

I spent an afternoon with my parents yesterday. They seem to be holding it down. My dad still can’t walk on his own, but he is making progress by taking on getting up on his own and getting to his walker. I know he wants to walk, but he doesn’t let it beat him down every day that he can’t. He makes a joke instead. I admire his courage. 

Tomorrow is Friday, and we have a busy weekend ahead. Somewhere in all the fun I need to get my laundry done. Practical, yep, got that down. 

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In The Groove

Score: +3.5

It felt good today blog. Very. My morning started with Io bumping her head into me and licking my leg at 4:45 am. So I woke up thinking: she must be hungry. But both food bowls were full. Motivation unknown. So instead of lounging around for a couple hours I went to work. And as I stated earlier, it was good. 

I was in on some cool meetings, future projects, new responsibilities, the works. I was praised and acknowledged by my boss and peers. Amanda wrote on Facebook and Google + about how thankful she was for me, and all that I do to help. The positive feedback just keeps rolling in. I could get used to this. 

I think something chemical has happened to me: I used to get choked up when certain songs would come on the overhead speakers. But now, I don’t. Not at all. I don’t think about my ex when I hear it. It’s a response I didn’t think I would know again. I had just accepted that certain songs would always remind me of her, and the feelings would rush back. Those days, apparently, are over. 

Progress blog, progress. Three cheers to Sassafras the Fiesty for always checking in, even when her life has gone batshit. You rock. 

Chatterbox Brain

I’m having a tough time separating from my anxiety. I feel like a tree full of angry monkeys. It’s hot too, so getting comfortable has been an issue. When I can’t drift off peacefully, my mind scrambles to fill the void. In the end, it’s a lot like radio static; it’s ever-present and causes the mind to implode the longer it is listened to. 

In other news, I’m still marveling over my 203 point word I dropped on the AI in Scrabble. Both triples, a Q, and a bingo. That’s how we do it.

I have been talking to Will. He has been helping me with some moral support. Even though he is far away, he still takes time to talk to me and help me figure things out. I’m glad he is still my friend, after all these years.

I have friends from my past who I have largely disconnected from. They have their own lives; they still aren’t scratching around for meaning like I am. They have found their homes, while I continue to build mine. I really don’t have much in common with them anymore, but I do try to keep alive the connections we do have. I don’t want to loose what little bond remains, but I’m afraid I will in time. I have work to do nurturing my old friendships, once I get my own show together. I still have a ways to go. But someday, I do want to be functional and have lots of people in my circle. 

I’m trying to go to bed. Wish me luck. 

Mostly

Score: +3

A lot of my score was improved mood. I felt like energy took a step back. I drank a lot of coffee today, to no avail. I also have persistent anxiety, especially in the evenings. It’s been bothering me the past several nights. I don’t know what I’m anxious about really, it feels detached from reason. I struggle nonetheless. 

Today was a full day. I did a lot of invented work as the responsibilities of my job have yet to be authorized. Eventually I will be busy, and for now, at least I am motivated to be productive. I’m creating documents and taking notes all day long. I have three meetings tomorrow, which I am excited about. Things are moving along. 

Well, today was an improvement. I have to climb out of this energy slump somehow. My hope is that Amanda gets back to work tomorrow and we enter our regular routine again. We are making steps towards getting on track. I need to reinforce a positive pattern for myself this week. I need to get past this emptiness and on with my life. 

You know, being mentally ill is really fucking hard. 

Looming

Do you ever get this terrible feeling like bad things are about to happen? Today the feeling nearly flattened me. I struggled then and now. I try to put the thoughts out of my head but to no avail. I even try to process logically, but it just comes back. I don’t know how to quantify the anxiety. I just feel crippled. 

I’m here in bed after doing some exercise. Getting my blood pumping helped. I feel less edgy. I just want today to be over, but it’s too soon for that. Sun is still up, despite how tired I feel. It’s hot too, but not as bad as yesterday. I think I am going to spend more time on the elliptical. 

I’m swimming in a sea of feelings, some rising to crest, others pulling down into troughs. I just want this to stop. 

The Cycle

Score: +2

Down day for me today. I had difficulty at work and only put in a half-day. I am feeling cripplingly lethargic and achy. But I am going to exercise today because I feel that helps in times like this, when the body feels stiff in decay. I need the blood pumping, the juices flowing. Clear my head of the negative thoughts I have. Amanda is having similar difficulties this week. She did not go in, and will not until Wednesday at the earliest. I talked with her some today about the things that have been on her mind, and we walked through rationalizing some fears and anxieties. We also discussed the source of her sadness, and how we can frame things differently to take the pain out of those recollections. After the Jesse letdown, there was bound to be fallout.

But I hope that tomorrow brings a newfound energy. I seemed to take a step backwards over the weekend. Whatever the reason, I need to redouble my efforts to have a better Tuesday. I know things are going to be fine, I just need to get back on track. We both need to get on track. She goes to see per lame psychiatrist tomorrow and he will tell her nothing of use and send her away without changing her meds. I’m pessimistic because I have good reason to be. Though, we are party to deception, as she does not take the anti-psychotics he prescribes.

Hope you all have a good evening.

Progress

Score: +4

This was for Friday. I have completed my first week as a part of the management team, and life is very good. I’ve never been given the sort of creative freedom I have now, nor the responsibility. This is all quite uncharted territory. However, I feel immersed in my new role, and very capable of executing the tasks involved. I was in a big meeting on Friday with the chairperson of the whole customer support department, spanning 4 different call centers across the US and Europe. So we had a good chat. I felt “in the know” on some things. All in all, it was a fantastic experience that I’m glad as fuck will be my regular routine.

My scores have been off the charts this week. +3.5 almost every day, and a 4 on Friday. I’m feeling a HUGE resurgence of enthusiasm for my job and the new direction I’m going. This is all very exciting. Amanda has been missing work, and a lot of it is her pain, but some of it is her fighting with Jesse still. In the end, she would like to build a friendship with her ex, you know, since they have a kid together. But he outright told her that he would never be her friend, and she took that kinda hard. She hasn’t been able to fully detach from him because of Tristan, and now that relationship is relegated to an awkward exchange of responsibility every now and then, I can’t imagine she will have an easy time coping. Also, that’s not a great role model relationship dynamic for Tristan to grow up with. I hope he looks at Amanda and I as an example, since we have a healthy, functional partnership. We never fight, we talk and laugh together, we don’t discipline with violence… compared to Jesse who does the exact opposite of what we do. Negative reinforcement. It is the way it is, and Tristan will be able to make up his own mind soon enough about how he likes to be treated. He will also be getting a break from Pentecostalism while he is with us.

It’s heading into the summer season and temperatures are on the rise. Out poor little apartment is about to become a permanent hot-box of excess heat from the air and from the sun beating down on our roof all day long. The fucking walls are hot, ok? The bed is hot to the touch. It’s a fucking nightmare. But we have big powerful fans that can keep air moving over us at all times, so that’s a relief at least. But my sister and I were discussing the woes of living in the upstairs apartment when we were having dinner Thursday night. It’s miserable no matter the precautions you take.

Things are going splendidly blog. I hope all is well with you. I hope to provide an example of a mentally ill person who fought really fucking hard and got stable and built a life for himself. If I can do it, YOU might be able to do it too. Maybe things I have done might help you in your own mental health journey? That’s all this blog is about, an example, a case study. 500+ days of scoring, data collection, trend observation and analysis. It’s not a fucking joke, your mental health. If you don’t own it, it will utterly own you. I would prefer not to be owned, as I’m fucking prideful. I fight. So should you. Rawr.