Monthly Archives: August 2016

Deconstruction

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I need to change what I’m doing. It’s one thing to say you want to change, but then actually never do it. I know I have to break the cycle. It takes dramatic action. I have applied this to my life. 

I need to return to sobriety. I feel like the world is crumbling away on all sides. I need to stop flying around in the atmosphere and come down to earth. Though, it hasn’t felt much like flying lately. All the more reason to stop. This part, we are done with for now. 

I need to prove to myself that I can click-in and get back to a pattern of success. One that I must set for myself, while also jolting myself free from the wrong pattern. I believe dramatic action can yield positive outcomes. Sometimes it’s necessary in order to advance life forward. 

I want to have a good night’s sleep tonight. I talked to Amanda and she read my blog and appreciates it. I’m calling her tomorrow after her ECT is over to see how she did. I’ll be thinking of all the ways I can show Amanda that I’m still here and I want to be a part of this life. It’s up to me now. 

Now

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Score: -3

The past three days have represented a downward slide in both mood and energy, with erratic behavior sprinkled in. Today it broke down, and many things became apparent. Sometimes it takes a shock to open your eyes. If there is any one thing I can take from this calamity, it is that I will be redeemed. 

Ever since my tirade against Amanda’s motivational issues, she has taken a huge step back in proximity to me. And it really hit home for her the other night when I wasn’t there for her when I needed to be. I tried to show her my intentions but flattery and things do not compare to being hurt. Being hurt by someone who loves you and who you love is terrible, and is a blow that strikes deep and true from a place of vulnerability. I have done this to Amanda by putting my own will over her’s. I WANT Amanda to rise up and succeed, but she has to do so on her own terms. I can’t coach her into realization, it has to be 100% self driven. I tried to push her, and I had no right to. I regret what I have allowed to happen, and maybe all to do with my own instability. Or even the indulgence of my own projected desires, having been to selfish to notice her’s. I have been a fool, and she is getting farther and farther away. 

She wants a break, and well blog, wouldn’t you too? I mean, I haven’t done right by her in a while. I have come to an understanding on this, however. I intend to rectify the problem immediately by demonstrating a better pattern of behavior. I have ample time to show her I’m not about to go thermonuclear, but rather, getting moderately depressed for a few days to then slide back to normalcy shortly thereafter. I need to change MY fucking attitude blog. What a hypocrite I have become, dispensing advice like I know what’s up. I don’t know shit. Who the fuck am I to tell anyone else how it doing to be? Lay down my ultimatum  and walk away… this is life bro, not a negotiation. Real people in real life just talk to each other, listen and learn. You know, like how it used to be between her and I? I have become lost within myself, and Amanda is right, we need a break. I have time to change what I can and start acting like a sane person again. I can fulfill my responsibilities and live proudly, but not arrogantly. 

I know the damage is already done, but maybe days like today are about making a change. This bombshell is what it took to make me realize she was slipping away. Well I haven’t let go, and I won’t. I will fight. I will have both arms inside the cart at all times. I will be who I am, after a brief sojourn in depressionville. 

I just hope she can forgive me. I’m sorry, I promise not to let go. 

Weekend

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Score: +2.5

I’m regaining most of my mobility at this point. Just some residual soreness. But I managed to do my laundry and run errands. I’m ready to go get back after it. Things will stabilize this week as Gerry will take Amanda to ECT tomorrow and Wednesday. I thank her for letting my week get off to the right start. It’s so critical to establish a good pace right from Monday, and let it carry you through. But a fractured Monday leads to a fractured week. The evidence is right there in both my scores and my attendance. But tomorrow, I will be in on time and out on time and things will be rock solid this week. Amanda is looking out for me, and I appreciate that. 

I feel rested and ready. I know what I have to do, and I look forward to it. Football will be here soon, I’m trying not to get all crazy about it. It’s better to be mellow, I’ve found. Take it in, calmly. 

I know that I go into this next week feeling good. Positive. Motivated. I have a driving push towards bettering my position, expanding it, and creating new content. I feel empowered by my new role. Can I still say new? I’m pretty familiar wit it now. 

Anyway, take care blog. May your Monday start positively. 

Onward Ho

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Score: +3

So I’m recovering from surgery. Fortunately, the organ in question is unnaturally pliable and resillient, so the pain has not at all been a problem. But going to the water park is off for me since I would be risking infection. As of this moment, I’m not to be walking anywhere. Amanda has been taking care of me. She’s adorable. 

I’m looking forward to getting back to work next week. I’ve been wanting to send out this email about the next round of evaluations. The agents will pick their own call to be reviewed. I think it will go over well. 

I got a chance to talk to my mom today. She has been dealt some pretty heavy blows. My dad will never walk again. He will need that walker they rest of his life. She knows her future is confined by this, but I tried to help her see the possibility for hope. If my dad just gives up, I’m going to be unhappy. He should develop a better attitude about things. There’s no point in mourning or wishing you were dead. I think he will cope better with time. He must. But I told her I think this will make them closer and more aware of how much they need each other. Friends through thick and thin. 

So we talked for a while. And then we had a conversation about the race to Proxima Centauri, where an Earth-like planet has been found a mere 4.4 light years away. We could conceivably send a probe, but with conventional methods it would take thousands of years. It’s a great puzzle to solve, and the race has just begun. Perhaps in my lifetime, I will see a picture of the surface of an alien planet. The possibility for first contact is very real. 
Have a good night blog. 

The Sactum

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

Score: +3.5

Well blog, I’m sad to say that my blog and its brutal honesty has cost me my limited credibility with Amanda’s ex husband. It’s true that there have been some really horrible posts, back there a ways, but that’s what being honest is. I’m telling the story as I experience it. It’s not for public consumption, it’s the private struggle of life as mentally ill person. But any attention to the scores on my posts and it will become clear that things are often great now, stable, and regular. I do go downhill sometimes, but not dangerously so. Far from it, in fact. Each downward slide followed by a recovery and return to rhythm. I’ve been rock solid stable for close to 4 years now, and employed for more than two. If I were dangerously dysfunctional, how could I maintain that kind of life? It’s not possible. You are either committed to improving, or falling behind. I’m fighting my way to a normal life, and every day is a struggle. But I am confidant in myself and I know I am a good person, an honest person. I’m committed to doing what’s right, and helping people. Does this sound like someone we should all be concerned about? 
So now you know all the horrible shit I’ve done to myself and others. So what? I’m real, and I really did go through all of that, and this blog is how I coped with it all. If it concerns you, GOOD! It concerns me too. I don’t want to go back to the place where I was suffering, I rather enjoy my current reality and I’m proud to be in it. 
Believe me or don’t believe me, the proof is already here. A thousand truths all piled up over 4 years. I came a long way to get where I am right now. A long way, and I’m glad to say I’m the best I’ve ever been. Plus, I’m not going anywhere. 
Hope that makes sense. 

Short, Sweet

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Score: +3

Blog, this week is a toughie. I’m nearly half way there and feeling my energy fading away. I just found out today that they plan to give Amanda 20 treatments, not 12. 20? Fuck. I thought we were almost out of this phase to find out we’re not even 50% complete. Missing work taking Amanda to and from appointments is killing me. The stress of it is overwhelming. 

I don’t have much to say. I’m struggling to hold it all together. I am trying to fulfill my responsibilities and also manage more responsibilities. I need a break, and I will get one after work tomorrow. You know, to have the bullets taken out of my pistol. Some relaxing break right? 

Just get through tomorrow, and things will be easier. Try to rest peacefully. 

I quit the ecig. Just got tired of it. Just to put things into perspective, that’s 3.6% nicotine, the strongest I can buy, cold turkey. Just put it in a drawer, closed it, and never thought once about taking it out for a hit. I’m done for now. This is how I get with tobacco products. I get all into it for a while, but then I get tired of it and drop it altogether for months or more,  sometimes indefinitely. It’s been more than a year since I even wanted a cigarette. I’m fortunate to have the neurochemistry to handle that abrupt termination. Don’t know why, just always been that way. 

I needed to vent some stress. I get crushed under it all sometimes. Cracked to collapsed. But I hope to push through regardless of circumstance or condition. I need to be strong right now, for Amanda, and for myself. This is a tough challenge… will I rise up to meet it?

Seconds

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I’m an ass sometimes. Or absurdly direct. I don’t mean to do any harm, but sometimes I do. I recognize that Amanda mah feel this way. It’s imperative that my observations not be viewed as a criticism, but a call to change. It’s not wrong to sit and do next to nothing, but it is not good mental health behavior. If we are both trying to get healthy and stable together, we should! I won’t leave her behind as I go forward in life. I love her, and I want to be with her alone. 

I’m sorry if I was frustrated. I just had a lot of stored up stuff about this issue. I just want what’s best for her. She can have a beautiful life, but she has to be able to rise up to it. Right now, she’s shackled down in a hole somewhere far from the light. She deserves is to be up with the rest of us. Flying, free. 

Anyway. It’s been a crazy week, and it’s not remotely over. Tomorrow will be a long day. 

Snap

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Score: +3

Here I am going from one pole to the other. Don’t get me wrong, because I am both this post and my last together. 

Amanda has spent most of her time out of the hospital behaving the way a very depressed person would. She sits, does things on the computer, and little else. This last week I had a talk with her about what she’s doing with her time. My alarms went off when her world became one-dimensional, and her motivation to do much of anything at zero. I mean, if your partner was feeling good, but acting depressed, would you just let it go on that way? After two weeks she wasn’t able to see the problem, so I brought it to her attention. I need her to see it, acknowledge it, and find a way to break out of this rut. Things can’t go on this way, stagnating, making no mental progress. I won’t sit by when I know she feels good enough to be more proactive than she is. 

I framed it like this: the thought processes are the thing that the ECT can’t give you a fresh start on. You have to start thinking differently to break out of those depressed processes. Her downward thoughts have dominated her life unchecked for years. She doesn’t have the perspective to see what’s wrong, but I do. And that’s all I wanted to do, to call attention to this pattern and vow to help her break it. I told her I would fight for her as long as she as the ability to push forward. If she gives up, she’ll eventually lose me. 

I know she’s a beautiful woman, who’s creative and clever and soothing. She has SO MUCH to show this world, and right now, she can’t get out of her own head. I’m no therapist, but what is a partner if not a mirror? I can help her grow, and get out of this negative place. 

It was hard, and my frustration boiled over a bit. But I just couldn’t take another day like that. I know she wants to live, she just needs help expanding her sphere. I want to be there to help her every step. 

Stressful day. Deep and emotional conversation, feeling tired. 

-Manda

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I was just reflecting on how fortunate I am to have such a resilient and consistent partner. In the past, my world has been turned upside down because of my partner. Outrageous fights, hiding in the bathroom while being yelled at, curling into a ball in fear and dodging projectiles are all things I have not had to do in a while. She’s strong, beautiful, mysterious and always has a way of bringing a smile to my face. To this day, I have yet to raise my voice in anger to her, nor has she yelled at me. From what I gather, this is a rare thing. 

I am thankful for her. She has helped usher in a new era of stability and confidence the likes of which I have never seen or imagined. I have struggled so hard, and for so long, that stability was more like a distant wish. She has brought to me something I never thought I’d know. A full life. 

—

My love for you Amanda is tied up in the secret that is your inner-self and the struggle you embark on every day. I love how you fight, and push to find answers that help bring your world into focus. I look at you with admiration and respect, for I have felt the burden you carry and it is great. I would not survive under its weight. But you can, and that, I applaud. 

I want to be with you the rest of the way. I’m going to be by your side and have your back always, as this is what partners do for each other. We are in this together, and I won’t give up. 

I love you. 

Bumpy Start

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Score: +2

Today was a day of distractions. I had real life wholly override work. Thankfully, we really just have 4 more appointments to go to. But also this week I have my vasectomy which will cause me to miss Friday as well. Plus I’m picking up and dropping off Tristan this week as Amanda can’t drive. We have him this week. So I’m feeling a tad overwhelmed. But this is what life is all about, one thing after another. You have to cope because that’s what it is to survive in the real world. If you get knocked down, get up. 

I know this is going to clear up by mid next week, but it’s going to be crazy getting there. I get panicky just thinking about everything that still needs to happen. But then I take a deep breath, and slow it all down. Just get through tomorrow. Don’t think beyond what you can see. Stay in the box; the box is safe. 

I’m hard on myself when I need to be helping myself out. I’m the only one I can truly count on, as long as it’s a united front. That’s the bitch about being mentally ill: how often are we united? Briefly, at best?  

I had a fun chat with Will tonight. It was good to catch up. He helps me feel more real, less floaty. I was starting to get worked up but now I feel fine. 

I’m going to go have a chat with Amanda and then go to bed. 

Toodles. 

Good Talk

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I used to be a much more volatile person. I was very much subject to my impulses and initial responses. I also partnered myself up with incomplete people who couldn’t handle themselves, or me. Ever since I got out of the hospital three years ago, I have been relatively stable. Amanda brought an additional level of stability with her mellow and unphasing demeanor. My ENTIRE relationship, including marriage, with Jax did not last as long as Amanda and I have been together, and we have yet to fight. Frankly, I don’t think we will. We just talk to each other. Systematically laying out the facts, and interpreting together. It’s the most productively communicative relationship I have ever been in. 

This morning, I left early for work, since I had to break my day to take Amanda to ECT. Amanda did not know this, and when she woke up early and found me gone, the anxiety wheel started spinning. She thought I had read something on her blog, become enraged, and stormed out to destination unknown. Things like this make me wonder if all my exes are somehow psychically connected, and the current girlfriend can use the collective knowledge of the others. Then she would have real reason to think I might do something like that. Which I have, when fights went thermonuclear and there was nothing left but to flee. But how did Amanda know to be afraid of that? I’ve never done it to her, so there’s no real history to corroborate. I’m not sure, but I was driving on the 8 when my phone rang at 4:30 am. It was Amanda and I thought: oh shit, something happened. 

When I told her I was going to work early, all the spinny spinny came to a stop. She relaxed and felt ok again. Anxiety extinguished. Phew. 

But I thought it was totally cute. Like I would just leave and not explain why? I love her, and I want to talk to her, not sleep in my truck like she thought I was. 

We talked some more about our upcoming annerversary. Amanda wants a Celtic minister to deliver a Handfasting ceremony, which I think is a great idea. We are doing rings, whitnesses, everything but the legally binding status. I’m excited. I think showing each other just how committed we are is like encouraging something to grow. And then after that we can say we’re engaged. This whole thing makes me happy. 
Goodnight. Week’s end is nearly upon us. 

There

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Score: +3

Amanda had treatment 6 today. She did good, and felt good after. One of the traumatic side effects of the ECT is damage to short-term memory. However, I have a plan. The damage done is not to the memories themselves, but the mind’s ability to bridge the gap between cognition and recollection. Every day, I ask her what she did today, and together, we figure out what happened from the moment I left until I got back. I ask her questions, and help her remember. The damage is not permanent, and we will work together to help her get her functionality back. 

I did a mile on the elliptical. Never did it all at once before. I used to break it up into half mile sections spaced by an hour or so. But today I needed to step it up. I’m fucking tired of my fatatude. I wish for it to be burned away, and so I will grind all that weight off on that machine. That, and a healthy diet, and I will lose it. 

Work has been good. I keep myself busy. My schedule is ideal. I couldn’t ask for more. 

I tried a sativa this time. I think I will stick with it as long as my anxiety continues to be high. I’m also enacting boundaries. There will be regulation. For once. And I think I will be much happier this way. 

Nighty. 

That’s How We Do That

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I guess you could say Amanda and j just had a “fight.”

I have noticed that since she got out of the hospital, Amanda has been on her computer doing art and Internet stuff. And nothing else. In my mind, too much of a good thing is a bad thing, do I brought this up to her. I said that she was demonstrating a negative and obsessive behavior pattern and that we need to mix up her daily activities so that there is some variety. My suggestions were housework, exercise or walk around the block.  

Amanda took my observation and suggestions  as a criticism of her having not done any housework since she got back. She got defensive, and deservedly so. I did get carried away with frustration when she put up her shields. I exaggerated and used direct language to convey my message. But this was not conducive to a constructive conversation. Then, she paraphrased me incorrectly in a mocking tone which got my panties in a bunch. So I stormed off to pout. 

But Amanda came in and I clarified that I was making a mental health observation not demanding she do housework. I accepted her apology for how she talked to me. I kissed her hand and we resolved the discourse peacefully. 

It’s really great to be in a relationship with a good communicator. We have never really been mad at each other. I’ve never cursed at her, nor she to me. Right now, I feel good. Resolved. 

We have one of these every few months… that’s about as dicey as it gets around here. 

Less is More

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Score: +2

Well I had an ok day today. My mood has been down, but sort of in the background. I have a good outward-facing persona, and a mastery of deception. But I still feel lower than normal. 

I did my mile on the elliptical. It was nice. I feel good having done it. I think tomorrow I’ll try a mile and a half. 

I am struggling and over self-medicating. I put a stop to it today. I have to be better about weed. I just tend to go apeshit and smoke it all. I need to space it out and make it last. Plus, I need to smoke less as I think it’s causing me to be kinda fuzzed out. 

I threw up this morning and had awesome diarrhea all day. I think I ate a bug. Now my guts are unhappy. I did fine the rest of the day. Sometimes I think my toothpaste is to blame, but I have no proof, only speculation. 

Amanda and I decided to be engaged as of our 2nd annerversary on January 15th. We are doing rings, and a ceremony to celebrate our commitment to each other. But we’re not getting married. We just want to be engaged forever. Pledged and bound by trust and love. A small gathering to celebrate it all. I am excited. I’ve had beautiful ceremony memories all stained and bitter with time and change. I don’t believe I will have the same problem again. I love her, and I know who she is. She needs time to break free of the shackles of her past and bloom into who she wants to be. I want to celebrate that journey with her. 

Blog, I’m trying to find my rhythm. It’s been a tough start to the week. 

Give

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Score: +3

I don’t do enough for others. I think it’s because I don’t know how to extend myself out and do it. I’m still not even secure with who I am. I can’t seem to get a handle on boundaries for myself. I’m still a person trying to work through his own shit. Let alone have enough energy for everyone else. I feel betrayed. I can’t trust this stability if I can’t trust myself. 

One thing I have managed to commit to is getting on the elliptical and doing a mile every day. I just can’t be stagnant. I’m trying to eat better. This new income will help me keep healthy meals coming. We are starting this again as it had been abandoned for a time. But I’m getting more lethargic and less enthusiastic the longer I stay in one place. I need to reprioritize. Things have gotten out of hand. I can do better than this. 

I want to be a complete person, inward and outward. I know I’m struggling with both. I can work towards a better me, and things will improve. 

I need to fucking relax. Just, ease up off the tension a bit. Take a deep breath. Things may feel very out of control, but they are not. This is your perception of events not reality. My interpretation is irrelevant; the facts are what matters. Breathe. 

Well. Fuck. It’s 92 degrees inside the apartment. Sun has been down for an hour. Boo. 

Well… Shit

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I did 1/2 mile on the elliptical to try and burn it off, and that worked for a while. But then I got to thinking that my fears were really far-fetched. I was making something out of nothing. So that also helped. Now I just have these pesky physical symptoms. My pulse quickens and my chest tightens up upon certain triggering thoughts. And I’m frequently triggering them. 

I just need to relax, and enjoy what time I have before my weekend is over. Why spend it dreading? Now it’s more like an anxiety cloud, floating there all shapeless. I don’t like him. 
Im going to try breathing slow for a while and see if that helps. It’s pretty much the las thing I have left to try. Already did the sit in the shower thing too. 

Spiking

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

I’m having a lot of anxiety right now. I’m feeling it attaching itself to insecurities at work. Am I walking hard enough? Do they see how I’m trying? I hope they do. I have insecurities because I don’t know what they think of me. Ultimately. So I worry about what they might perceive about me. I just have to put my head down and produce. All of this will evaporate once I am back there and in the flow. I guess this is also just the anxiety of knowing the weekend is coming to a close. I should feel positive about that though, and not worried. My state is the result of biological withdrawal from fun time causing unwanted thought processes. Nevertheless, I fear things. Dread certain confrontations. May the dark events portrayed by my anxious delusions never come to pass. 

I’m just going to relax, play some Scrabble and watching preseason football. Nothing I can do about anything now. 

Day 7 (Sorta)

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Amanda came home, and things feel right again. The cat has calmed down. My friend is back to talk to me. And she’s been sorting through her shit. Her blog is exploding right now. Her struggle is with her past, and forgiving herself for mistakes. We all do retarded shit we inevitably regret. And then later we think back on it and take something meaningful from it all. This is a healthy process. We can’t live “now” with the weight of “then” on our shoulders. 

I’m going to do the best I can to facilitate her journey. Whatever obstacles head our way, I will be there. That’s what real love is all about. I feel excited to show her how much I care. 

Work has finally started to be interesting. I’m going to be evaluating calls as early as next week. Four per agent. Twenty four agents. My presentation was given today as well as my handouts. I worked hard to make the transition for these guys as smooth as possible. There has been a mixed reaction so far. I really hope we can keep them all. I don’t like when people leave. It is traumatizing in a way. Someone who was always there is gone. Regardless of how close we are, familiarity is multifaceted. 

I’m glad that life is headed in a positive direction again. Amanda is growing and changing as she copes with her past. It was a struggle for me, I know. It could take her a long time. I’m glad she has the ambition to pursue disconnecting from it. 

Happy Friday tomorrow. 

Day 6

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Score: +1.5

…and today I broke down. I had a tough day at work, and I shelled out my $400 savings to both repair my truck and get it to pass smog. It needed to be done but FUCK. And I pinched a visit to Amanda between trips from work and repair shop. I got like 5 minutes with her, and it’s all my fault. I should have spent more time with her. I’m beating myself up about it, crying my eyes out. I was so consumed with my own stress that I didn’t see her. I didn’t get a chance to notice how well she was doing.

In fact, I stopped blogging and went back and saw her.  Her roommate Carol was there too, and her family. I spent sone quality time with her. I explained about the cats going crazy and that I had video. Can’t bring my phone on the ward otherwise she’d have laughed her ass off. I saw her smiling and feeling good for the first time in a long time. I hope this change lasts. I’ve heard tell of it not. But then again, she has shown such promising signs. I just can’t wait to have her back so our lives can go back to some semblance of normal. I think she deserves to be happy. After all the fucked up shit she’s been through, it’s time. She wrote such sweet things on her blog about me. I know my presence there for her has helped her recover. She has someone to lean on, who has her back and won’t give up. The type of love I value is the one that comes with a promise: I will be there. 

Well blog, it was a stressful day. A poopy day. I’m glad it is over. Amanda might be coming home as early as tomorrow. Or Friday. Or Saturday. We know nothing at this point. There is some fuss about this being covered by her insurance which has raised the possibility of early discharge. We will wait and see. 

Have a good night. 

Day 5

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Score: +3

Today was busy, and good. I got to see Amanda over my lunch break since she’s so close to work. She was doing surprisingly well considering she’d had a treatment three hours earlier. She’s in improving spirits. I’m encouraged by the signs so far. I know she’s going to be sore tomorrow. I’m going out there for dinner instead of an early visit. That aught to be fun. In the meantime, I am alone in the house every evening with one indifferent can and one cat having a meltdown. 

Wednesday needs constant reassurance. She meows sadly, pathetically, and won’t be quiet until I meet her on the back of the office chair and pay attention to her. It’s all very purr making. Now, however, she’s so lonely and scared that she sits next to me like she used to sit next to Amanda. 


She never sits by me this way when Amanda is here. It’s a concession, in a way. Your the last one left, so I guess I’ll stick close to you. 

I hope they go apeshit when she comes home on Saturday. Though, Io seems oddly immune to stress about mom being gone. She’s also really really retarded. Who’s gone? 

More post dinner tomorrow. 

Day 4

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Score: +3

I did housework all by myself today. I missed hearing her working on things in the background. That echo of her just being there. This is the major hurtle I have to living normally. I want to feel her there, and right now, she’s not. I did a lot today, and then I got ready to go see her. 

I drove out to Lakeside and picked up Tristan, and then drove to Vista Mesa. I brought him all the way to her, and we were joined by her mom and sister. We all hung out for a while and were together. Her son had questions for me which I fielded gracefully about why she was in the hospital. He also wanted to stay with Amanda and I and not with his dad. He whined about going back a little. But it was a long day driving. 

Amanda gets another treatment tomorrow. After I get off work, I will see how she is doing. I’m nervous her side effects will be worse this time around. They were with her roommate. 

Day 3

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

It was hard today without her. I missed her presence in the apartment. The energy her body brings. I did go see her today, an it looks like she’s in there through next Saturday, and they are going to do a treatment on Monday, and two more on Wednesday and Friday. I really hope this works. I can’t wait to see her happy about herself. 

My meeting with her was good, and she even called me a couple of times from the ward. I told her I was bringing Tristan by to see her at 1:30 or so. I hope that goes smoothly. I don’t want anything bad to happen on my watch. 

I did some cleaning today. Still a lot that needs to be done, but I’m not in a hurry. I want the apartment perfect by Saturday. I will get there eventually. And not only that, I’m really going the extra mile with each chore. Tomorrow will be a more fruitful day of working since laundry takes two and a half hours and I generally work the whole time it is going on. 

Good night. 

Day 2

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

I hung in there most of the day, but all I could think about was Amanda going through her treatment at 9. I left after noon and visited her. She was asleep, but happy to see me when she woke up. She said of her current state: it was “like a hangover from hell.” She also stated that there were no symptoms of short term memory loss. She wasn’t sore either. So all around things were good. I’m not sure how long they plan to keep her there. I think the longer the better. I mean that only because the hospital can change your life if you give it the time to. It can cause you to redefine your whole world view. So I want her to have enough time to allow that to happen. That, combined with treatments, could have really beneficial effects. This is my hope. I will accept whatever reality deals me. 

I’m solo cleaning the apartment tomorrow. I want it to be perfect for when she comes back. Everything clean, animals fed, nothing for her to worry about. Just sit on that couch and relax in your home. 

Cats are super upset. Especially Wednesday. She stares at where Amanda sat on the couch and whimpers. It’s pathetic. A keep telling her that I’m not all worked up, so mom’s not dead. She’s just not here. But she will be back. I have to console her with extra petting and attention to keep her from yammering on. 

I am missing her on this Friday night. I’m all choked up as I write. My partner, who I love to party with, and laugh with on the eve of our weekend, is gone. She’s far away in a cold room alone and I miss her. I wish she was here. I’m trying to party it up without her, but I’m sad too. 

Have a happy Friday blog. 

Day 1

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Score: +2

I was there as Amanda was admitted to the psychiatric hospital today, where she will get ECT. tomorrow morning at 9, in fact. I dropped her off and then came back later to see how she was doing. She said they were asking her a ton of questions, which was to be expected. 

I’m here alone tonight for the first night of seven. I already feel the echo of her there across from me on the couch. It’s like she’s sitting there even though she isn’t. I’m lonely. I miss her. Laughing with her, smoking a bowl with her, or watching some awesome show. My routine has been disturbed. My partner is gone. 

So the cats were all upset when I came home. And no mom all evening makes them unhappy. They won’t go into her spot on the couch. It’s like they still think she’s there. 

Well. My grandmother died of colon cancer today. My mom was pretty devastated. I came over with weed and cheered them right up. We watched slide shows and talked about this and that. I ate dinner, and I helped my mom some with her coping strategy. I told her to let the grief come, and be real with it. Don’t hide it away or hold it back. Just let it pass over and through. Hopefully that helps. Personally I have no emotional bond to my grandmother. I always held her accountable for what horrible things she had done and failed to change in her life. She hurt my family more times than I can remember. She never once apologized. So I never once cared what happened to her. 

Tomorrow will be better. I’ll get focused at work, and put my head down. The ne

A Sudden Change

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Score: +3

Amanda is going into the psych hospital tomorrow 8 am. Up to this point, no long term solution via meds and therapy has presented itself. Her psychiatrist recommended shock therapy, which Amanda has agreed to. She’ll be in there for a week, and I intend to spend every visiting hour I can with her. I’m glad and scared. I’m truly excited because I know a reboot will help her, and the change one undergoes in the hospital is usually profound. But also reserved because they are going to pass current through her brain. I dont know what the outcome of rolling the dice will be, but no need to confuse it for what it truly is. Risk. Worth having happiness for once? You betcha. 

I’m really just focused on her right now. I don’t have much going on. I bring my thoughts back to lessons I learned from the failures of my recent past. In a situation like this, I need to be the partner to Amanda that Jax wasn’t for me. I know what it’s like to be let down by your partner at the lowest point. I could never do the same to Amanda. Not for someone I profess to love. I told myself that I would do whatever I could to support her, because I see who she is under the pain and depression. There’s a person there, waiting to reemerge. I want to help bring her back. 

So I fight. We must lead by example as action is the currency of trust. I will not let her down.