Deconstruction

I need to change what I’m doing. It’s one thing to say you want to change, but then actually never do it. I know I have to break the cycle. It takes dramatic action. I have applied this to my life. 

I need to return to sobriety. I feel like the world is crumbling away on all sides. I need to stop flying around in the atmosphere and come down to earth. Though, it hasn’t felt much like flying lately. All the more reason to stop. This part, we are done with for now. 

I need to prove to myself that I can click-in and get back to a pattern of success. One that I must set for myself, while also jolting myself free from the wrong pattern. I believe dramatic action can yield positive outcomes. Sometimes it’s necessary in order to advance life forward. 

I want to have a good night’s sleep tonight. I talked to Amanda and she read my blog and appreciates it. I’m calling her tomorrow after her ECT is over to see how she did. I’ll be thinking of all the ways I can show Amanda that I’m still here and I want to be a part of this life. It’s up to me now. 

Advertisements

Now

Score: -3

The past three days have represented a downward slide in both mood and energy, with erratic behavior sprinkled in. Today it broke down, and many things became apparent. Sometimes it takes a shock to open your eyes. If there is any one thing I can take from this calamity, it is that I will be redeemed. 

Ever since my tirade against Amanda’s motivational issues, she has taken a huge step back in proximity to me. And it really hit home for her the other night when I wasn’t there for her when I needed to be. I tried to show her my intentions but flattery and things do not compare to being hurt. Being hurt by someone who loves you and who you love is terrible, and is a blow that strikes deep and true from a place of vulnerability. I have done this to Amanda by putting my own will over her’s. I WANT Amanda to rise up and succeed, but she has to do so on her own terms. I can’t coach her into realization, it has to be 100% self driven. I tried to push her, and I had no right to. I regret what I have allowed to happen, and maybe all to do with my own instability. Or even the indulgence of my own projected desires, having been to selfish to notice her’s. I have been a fool, and she is getting farther and farther away. 

She wants a break, and well blog, wouldn’t you too? I mean, I haven’t done right by her in a while. I have come to an understanding on this, however. I intend to rectify the problem immediately by demonstrating a better pattern of behavior. I have ample time to show her I’m not about to go thermonuclear, but rather, getting moderately depressed for a few days to then slide back to normalcy shortly thereafter. I need to change MY fucking attitude blog. What a hypocrite I have become, dispensing advice like I know what’s up. I don’t know shit. Who the fuck am I to tell anyone else how it doing to be? Lay down my ultimatum  and walk away… this is life bro, not a negotiation. Real people in real life just talk to each other, listen and learn. You know, like how it used to be between her and I? I have become lost within myself, and Amanda is right, we need a break. I have time to change what I can and start acting like a sane person again. I can fulfill my responsibilities and live proudly, but not arrogantly. 

I know the damage is already done, but maybe days like today are about making a change. This bombshell is what it took to make me realize she was slipping away. Well I haven’t let go, and I won’t. I will fight. I will have both arms inside the cart at all times. I will be who I am, after a brief sojourn in depressionville. 

I just hope she can forgive me. I’m sorry, I promise not to let go. 

Weekend

Score: +2.5

I’m regaining most of my mobility at this point. Just some residual soreness. But I managed to do my laundry and run errands. I’m ready to go get back after it. Things will stabilize this week as Gerry will take Amanda to ECT tomorrow and Wednesday. I thank her for letting my week get off to the right start. It’s so critical to establish a good pace right from Monday, and let it carry you through. But a fractured Monday leads to a fractured week. The evidence is right there in both my scores and my attendance. But tomorrow, I will be in on time and out on time and things will be rock solid this week. Amanda is looking out for me, and I appreciate that. 

I feel rested and ready. I know what I have to do, and I look forward to it. Football will be here soon, I’m trying not to get all crazy about it. It’s better to be mellow, I’ve found. Take it in, calmly. 

I know that I go into this next week feeling good. Positive. Motivated. I have a driving push towards bettering my position, expanding it, and creating new content. I feel empowered by my new role. Can I still say new? I’m pretty familiar wit it now. 

Anyway, take care blog. May your Monday start positively. 

Onward Ho

Score: +3

So I’m recovering from surgery. Fortunately, the organ in question is unnaturally pliable and resillient, so the pain has not at all been a problem. But going to the water park is off for me since I would be risking infection. As of this moment, I’m not to be walking anywhere. Amanda has been taking care of me. She’s adorable. 

I’m looking forward to getting back to work next week. I’ve been wanting to send out this email about the next round of evaluations. The agents will pick their own call to be reviewed. I think it will go over well. 

I got a chance to talk to my mom today. She has been dealt some pretty heavy blows. My dad will never walk again. He will need that walker they rest of his life. She knows her future is confined by this, but I tried to help her see the possibility for hope. If my dad just gives up, I’m going to be unhappy. He should develop a better attitude about things. There’s no point in mourning or wishing you were dead. I think he will cope better with time. He must. But I told her I think this will make them closer and more aware of how much they need each other. Friends through thick and thin. 

So we talked for a while. And then we had a conversation about the race to Proxima Centauri, where an Earth-like planet has been found a mere 4.4 light years away. We could conceivably send a probe, but with conventional methods it would take thousands of years. It’s a great puzzle to solve, and the race has just begun. Perhaps in my lifetime, I will see a picture of the surface of an alien planet. The possibility for first contact is very real. 
Have a good night blog. 

The Sactum

Score: +3.5

Well blog, I’m sad to say that my blog and its brutal honesty has cost me my limited credibility with Amanda’s ex husband. It’s true that there have been some really horrible posts, back there a ways, but that’s what being honest is. I’m telling the story as I experience it. It’s not for public consumption, it’s the private struggle of life as mentally ill person. But any attention to the scores on my posts and it will become clear that things are often great now, stable, and regular. I do go downhill sometimes, but not dangerously so. Far from it, in fact. Each downward slide followed by a recovery and return to rhythm. I’ve been rock solid stable for close to 4 years now, and employed for more than two. If I were dangerously dysfunctional, how could I maintain that kind of life? It’s not possible. You are either committed to improving, or falling behind. I’m fighting my way to a normal life, and every day is a struggle. But I am confidant in myself and I know I am a good person, an honest person. I’m committed to doing what’s right, and helping people. Does this sound like someone we should all be concerned about? 
So now you know all the horrible shit I’ve done to myself and others. So what? I’m real, and I really did go through all of that, and this blog is how I coped with it all. If it concerns you, GOOD! It concerns me too. I don’t want to go back to the place where I was suffering, I rather enjoy my current reality and I’m proud to be in it. 
Believe me or don’t believe me, the proof is already here. A thousand truths all piled up over 4 years. I came a long way to get where I am right now. A long way, and I’m glad to say I’m the best I’ve ever been. Plus, I’m not going anywhere. 
Hope that makes sense. 

Short, Sweet

Score: +3

Blog, this week is a toughie. I’m nearly half way there and feeling my energy fading away. I just found out today that they plan to give Amanda 20 treatments, not 12. 20? Fuck. I thought we were almost out of this phase to find out we’re not even 50% complete. Missing work taking Amanda to and from appointments is killing me. The stress of it is overwhelming. 

I don’t have much to say. I’m struggling to hold it all together. I am trying to fulfill my responsibilities and also manage more responsibilities. I need a break, and I will get one after work tomorrow. You know, to have the bullets taken out of my pistol. Some relaxing break right? 

Just get through tomorrow, and things will be easier. Try to rest peacefully. 

I quit the ecig. Just got tired of it. Just to put things into perspective, that’s 3.6% nicotine, the strongest I can buy, cold turkey. Just put it in a drawer, closed it, and never thought once about taking it out for a hit. I’m done for now. This is how I get with tobacco products. I get all into it for a while, but then I get tired of it and drop it altogether for months or more,  sometimes indefinitely. It’s been more than a year since I even wanted a cigarette. I’m fortunate to have the neurochemistry to handle that abrupt termination. Don’t know why, just always been that way. 

I needed to vent some stress. I get crushed under it all sometimes. Cracked to collapsed. But I hope to push through regardless of circumstance or condition. I need to be strong right now, for Amanda, and for myself. This is a tough challenge… will I rise up to meet it?

Seconds

I’m an ass sometimes. Or absurdly direct. I don’t mean to do any harm, but sometimes I do. I recognize that Amanda mah feel this way. It’s imperative that my observations not be viewed as a criticism, but a call to change. It’s not wrong to sit and do next to nothing, but it is not good mental health behavior. If we are both trying to get healthy and stable together, we should! I won’t leave her behind as I go forward in life. I love her, and I want to be with her alone. 

I’m sorry if I was frustrated. I just had a lot of stored up stuff about this issue. I just want what’s best for her. She can have a beautiful life, but she has to be able to rise up to it. Right now, she’s shackled down in a hole somewhere far from the light. She deserves is to be up with the rest of us. Flying, free. 

Anyway. It’s been a crazy week, and it’s not remotely over. Tomorrow will be a long day.