I don’t do enough for others. I think it’s because I don’t know how to extend myself out and do it. I’m still not even secure with who I am. I can’t seem to get a handle on boundaries for myself. I’m still a person trying to work through his own shit. Let alone have enough energy for everyone else. I feel betrayed. I can’t trust this stability if I can’t trust myself.
One thing I have managed to commit to is getting on the elliptical and doing a mile every day. I just can’t be stagnant. I’m trying to eat better. This new income will help me keep healthy meals coming. We are starting this again as it had been abandoned for a time. But I’m getting more lethargic and less enthusiastic the longer I stay in one place. I need to reprioritize. Things have gotten out of hand. I can do better than this.
I want to be a complete person, inward and outward. I know I’m struggling with both. I can work towards a better me, and things will improve.
I need to fucking relax. Just, ease up off the tension a bit. Take a deep breath. Things may feel very out of control, but they are not. This is your perception of events not reality. My interpretation is irrelevant; the facts are what matters. Breathe.
Well. Fuck. It’s 92 degrees inside the apartment. Sun has been down for an hour. Boo.