Well I had an ok day today. My mood has been down, but sort of in the background. I have a good outward-facing persona, and a mastery of deception. But I still feel lower than normal.
I did my mile on the elliptical. It was nice. I feel good having done it. I think tomorrow I’ll try a mile and a half.
I am struggling and over self-medicating. I put a stop to it today. I have to be better about weed. I just tend to go apeshit and smoke it all. I need to space it out and make it last. Plus, I need to smoke less as I think it’s causing me to be kinda fuzzed out.
I threw up this morning and had awesome diarrhea all day. I think I ate a bug. Now my guts are unhappy. I did fine the rest of the day. Sometimes I think my toothpaste is to blame, but I have no proof, only speculation.
Amanda and I decided to be engaged as of our 2nd annerversary on January 15th. We are doing rings, and a ceremony to celebrate our commitment to each other. But we’re not getting married. We just want to be engaged forever. Pledged and bound by trust and love. A small gathering to celebrate it all. I am excited. I’ve had beautiful ceremony memories all stained and bitter with time and change. I don’t believe I will have the same problem again. I love her, and I know who she is. She needs time to break free of the shackles of her past and bloom into who she wants to be. I want to celebrate that journey with her.
Blog, I’m trying to find my rhythm. It’s been a tough start to the week.