I used to be a much more volatile person. I was very much subject to my impulses and initial responses. I also partnered myself up with incomplete people who couldn’t handle themselves, or me. Ever since I got out of the hospital three years ago, I have been relatively stable. Amanda brought an additional level of stability with her mellow and unphasing demeanor. My ENTIRE relationship, including marriage, with Jax did not last as long as Amanda and I have been together, and we have yet to fight. Frankly, I don’t think we will. We just talk to each other. Systematically laying out the facts, and interpreting together. It’s the most productively communicative relationship I have ever been in.
This morning, I left early for work, since I had to break my day to take Amanda to ECT. Amanda did not know this, and when she woke up early and found me gone, the anxiety wheel started spinning. She thought I had read something on her blog, become enraged, and stormed out to destination unknown. Things like this make me wonder if all my exes are somehow psychically connected, and the current girlfriend can use the collective knowledge of the others. Then she would have real reason to think I might do something like that. Which I have, when fights went thermonuclear and there was nothing left but to flee. But how did Amanda know to be afraid of that? I’ve never done it to her, so there’s no real history to corroborate. I’m not sure, but I was driving on the 8 when my phone rang at 4:30 am. It was Amanda and I thought: oh shit, something happened.
When I told her I was going to work early, all the spinny spinny came to a stop. She relaxed and felt ok again. Anxiety extinguished. Phew.
But I thought it was totally cute. Like I would just leave and not explain why? I love her, and I want to talk to her, not sleep in my truck like she thought I was.
We talked some more about our upcoming annerversary. Amanda wants a Celtic minister to deliver a Handfasting ceremony, which I think is a great idea. We are doing rings, whitnesses, everything but the legally binding status. I’m excited. I think showing each other just how committed we are is like encouraging something to grow. And then after that we can say we’re engaged. This whole thing makes me happy.
Goodnight. Week’s end is nearly upon us.