Here I am going from one pole to the other. Don’t get me wrong, because I am both this post and my last together.
Amanda has spent most of her time out of the hospital behaving the way a very depressed person would. She sits, does things on the computer, and little else. This last week I had a talk with her about what she’s doing with her time. My alarms went off when her world became one-dimensional, and her motivation to do much of anything at zero. I mean, if your partner was feeling good, but acting depressed, would you just let it go on that way? After two weeks she wasn’t able to see the problem, so I brought it to her attention. I need her to see it, acknowledge it, and find a way to break out of this rut. Things can’t go on this way, stagnating, making no mental progress. I won’t sit by when I know she feels good enough to be more proactive than she is.
I framed it like this: the thought processes are the thing that the ECT can’t give you a fresh start on. You have to start thinking differently to break out of those depressed processes. Her downward thoughts have dominated her life unchecked for years. She doesn’t have the perspective to see what’s wrong, but I do. And that’s all I wanted to do, to call attention to this pattern and vow to help her break it. I told her I would fight for her as long as she as the ability to push forward. If she gives up, she’ll eventually lose me.
I know she’s a beautiful woman, who’s creative and clever and soothing. She has SO MUCH to show this world, and right now, she can’t get out of her own head. I’m no therapist, but what is a partner if not a mirror? I can help her grow, and get out of this negative place.
It was hard, and my frustration boiled over a bit. But I just couldn’t take another day like that. I know she wants to live, she just needs help expanding her sphere. I want to be there to help her every step.
Stressful day. Deep and emotional conversation, feeling tired.