Now

Score: -3

The past three days have represented a downward slide in both mood and energy, with erratic behavior sprinkled in. Today it broke down, and many things became apparent. Sometimes it takes a shock to open your eyes. If there is any one thing I can take from this calamity, it is that I will be redeemed. 

Ever since my tirade against Amanda’s motivational issues, she has taken a huge step back in proximity to me. And it really hit home for her the other night when I wasn’t there for her when I needed to be. I tried to show her my intentions but flattery and things do not compare to being hurt. Being hurt by someone who loves you and who you love is terrible, and is a blow that strikes deep and true from a place of vulnerability. I have done this to Amanda by putting my own will over her’s. I WANT Amanda to rise up and succeed, but she has to do so on her own terms. I can’t coach her into realization, it has to be 100% self driven. I tried to push her, and I had no right to. I regret what I have allowed to happen, and maybe all to do with my own instability. Or even the indulgence of my own projected desires, having been to selfish to notice her’s. I have been a fool, and she is getting farther and farther away. 

She wants a break, and well blog, wouldn’t you too? I mean, I haven’t done right by her in a while. I have come to an understanding on this, however. I intend to rectify the problem immediately by demonstrating a better pattern of behavior. I have ample time to show her I’m not about to go thermonuclear, but rather, getting moderately depressed for a few days to then slide back to normalcy shortly thereafter. I need to change MY fucking attitude blog. What a hypocrite I have become, dispensing advice like I know what’s up. I don’t know shit. Who the fuck am I to tell anyone else how it doing to be? Lay down my ultimatum  and walk away… this is life bro, not a negotiation. Real people in real life just talk to each other, listen and learn. You know, like how it used to be between her and I? I have become lost within myself, and Amanda is right, we need a break. I have time to change what I can and start acting like a sane person again. I can fulfill my responsibilities and live proudly, but not arrogantly. 

I know the damage is already done, but maybe days like today are about making a change. This bombshell is what it took to make me realize she was slipping away. Well I haven’t let go, and I won’t. I will fight. I will have both arms inside the cart at all times. I will be who I am, after a brief sojourn in depressionville. 

I just hope she can forgive me. I’m sorry, I promise not to let go. 

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