I’m A Jerkus

Score: +1.5

It’s true, and I know it. But at least I managed to catch myself in the act of being a jerk and correct it. I snapped at Amanda about something she posted on her blog, and I really had no right to do so. I’m a little wound up right now and having a tough go of what was supposed to be a better week for me. In truth, I have not felt great at all so far, and my sleep patterns are all fucked up. It’s going to be hard to push through the rest of the way with a smile. 

I did get to see old high school friend Angi today, and we basically just went through all the trials of the last year. It was tough going over all the really terrible things that have happened, but I think I was resolved to rise up in the face of said obstacles and overcome. I must move forward, I must endure. Yeah life is a motherfucker sometimes, but that’s just the way it is. Like it or not. 

Amanda and I had a great talk when we came home. I feel much more resolved and complete at this juncture. Being home for the evening is very nice. I’m full of food, well conversed, and feeling everything winding down. Tonight I will rest soundly, and wake up at a decent time, I hope. 

Goodnight, and may better days lie ahead. 


Score: +2.5

Coming back from a busy weekend can be hard, especially when I’m stressing about fantasy football (in this instance, anyway). I needed some time to diffuse from both the boss visit and the boy, and I didn’t really get it. I know at times like this I need to prove to myself I can handle my workload and not crack, but I did bend. I took my work home with me today, and that was sort of a compromise. I was still productive, but I got the chance to be in a better environment. I got some sagely advice on how to compose myself as well. Signs are pointing up. 

I am at a loss for complex thoughts today blog. I feel jumbled up. Lost. In transition with no clear objective. I do believe this is temporary. I got back to my discipline today after letting it go all weekend and most of last week. I knew I couldn’t handle doing everything I wanted to do, so instead of push myself and burn out, I incrementalized my energy. Worked out ok. 

Amanda has been going through some things. Her moods have been running on high-octane anxiety and obsession, which I am largely unable to do anything about. I try to help, but I feel useless. We have good talks, but there is still some interference in our communications. I’m not sure what to call it. Sometimes, were just disconnected. This is me being overly-analytic. We are just two people who are different and we do the b st we can. Our relationship got started because of how we communicate to each other. We are very good, but there’s always the issue of time and trust. Once I’ve been a fixture for a while, I think we will blend even better than we already do. 

I hope this week works out better than last. I felt good, but the exhaustion was out of control. I need less toxic stress. 

Mellow. Breathe. Shhhhhhh. 

Summary: Week 3

So I felt it noteworthy to say something considering I may just win both games this week. One is still undecided because my opponent has three Falcons going (Sanu, Ryan, Freeman) but needs 70+ points to reclaim the lead. This week Minnesota’s DEF/ST came up big in the work league, along with waiver add Charles Sims putting up big numbers. DeAngelo Williams disappointed against a tough Philadelphia defense. Chargers gacked away another W, but Melvin Gordon did well for me. Stefon Diggs finally had a down game, of course, when I put him in my lineup. 

I spent some time watching the games at my Uncle’s house, while my sister’s bridal shower took place. I was regularly monitoring the scores, and it felt like a solid day of entertainment and fun. This weekend has been pretty good. I feel good going into this less-stressful week. 

I hope my lead holds and I can celebrate my first 2-0 week of the season. 


Smashed on a white-hot-press,

Busted bean endures the stress,

Tempered in a twirling fray, 

Beat to dust, but not gone away. 

Poured over a blistering blaze, 
Mixed, churned in a blurry daze. 

Steaming up with coiled heat,

Waiting to steep–a morning treat. 

Liquid rich and pouring down, 
The goblet rich with brewed renown,

Who’s bite and sigh is worth the wait, 

Old is the cause to anticipate,

Every moment a new delight,

But it might just keep you up all night. 


Score: +1

Withdrawing from extreme cannabis use has its consequences, namely, turning my mood permanently sour for a few days. That, coupled with the unbelievable stress load at work has turned today into a mess. My temper is on a short fuse. I am infuriated by even the most trivial slights. The world is a flaming, shit-soaked motherfucker headed straight for me. 

This explains my tirade against the former friend who tried to slip one past me in fantasy football 2015. More to the point, he did fool me, until the season was long over. He bailed out of this year’s league and has been ignoring my emails. So I got pissed. Called him out with rage and ire, some deserved, but mostly inflated by my symptoms. I even unfriended him and his wife on Facebook. I was pissed. I still kinda am, but more reflective now than upset. But either way, it was clearly a withdrawal fueled rant and I’m sorry for that. 

Now that today is almost over, I’m starting to settle down. I have given myself this time to be introspective and see if I can rationalize some thoughts. Especially those that trigger my frustration. I know that this week has been super tough with my boss and her boss (see: supreme boss of all bosses) flying in from out of town. The microscope is right above my head at all times… scrutinizing. It’s a high-pressure state to exist in, and I do not do well in that environment. At all. 

We have Tristan this week, and he was being his usual exuberant self. He doesn’t listen to much, and that can get frustrating. But he’s 6, and as Amanda has said again and again,this is to be expected. I’m having good chats with him though in the mornings when I would drop him off at school. His dad thinks I’m a fucking psycho, and in large part because Amanda detailed my suicide attempts to him without asking me if that was ok. So it created a shitload of drama, and he threatened action to take Tristan away because I “[was] not safe for Tristan to be around,” but in the end,it washed over and beyond us. Now things have returned to some semblance of normal. 

I just want to start next week off on the right foot. I need rest, clean clothes and silence. I need to not be spinning around on the thought carousel at 600 miles an hour. Looking back, at least I know now that I fundamentally lose my shit when the stress level gets too high. Also, I’m withdrawing, so there’s that piling on making it worse. I do believe that I should be good to go come tomorrow. No work, no aggravating instigators, just happy family time. I’m looking forward to that immensely. The tribe and I are going to a water park tomorrow. Fun fun!

I hope your week was less smothering more liberating than mine. I intend to rest long and soundly until chirpy birdy friends wake me up. If only… 


Tonight I wish to retell the tale of 2015’s fantasy football season. In the league that I ran, I invited a friend from a previous job to come play with some friends from my current job. Draft time was getting closer, and I was still 1 manager short to complete the league. My friend Ian from my old job said he knew a guy who would play, and so the final invite was sent out and the league completed. 

As the season went on, it became apparent that the new guy was derelict. Not what I was hoping for, needless to say. However, he did do 1 thing all year, he made a huge blockbuster trade to Ian for some priceless talent in exchange for injured talent. Ian then antagonized me by claiming the key to his success was picking up people I cut off my roster, which was partially true. But also true for everyone else. 

His team and my team made it to the championship, and I soundly defeated him. When I look back, it became clear to me that there was no new guy, it was just Ian managing 2 teams so he could harvest the talent from two rosters and make one mighty mega team. This plan failed miserably, and the evidence speaks for itself: no waiver for the new guy, 0-15 record, never changed lineups, no messages or chats, one trade with Ian. Odd? I agree. Ian tried to cheat his way to a championship and it backfired. Good triumphed over stupidity and my victory was all the more tasty because of it. 

Moral is, if your going to cheat, win… don’t humiliate yourself in the attempt to do so. Now he has nothing to show for his cheating, and is left with only shame. 

Or, you could not be a loser and play fair and earn your victories. Morality much? But then again, he is a Patriots fan. Nuff said. 

Now this year I invited Ian back. He declined for some bullshit reason. Can’t play for real with the big boys? Too chicken shit? I figured. 

Well, at least I know what it feels like to be a champion. Even if I never get to again. I made it. He didn’t. Ha fucking ha. 


Score: +4.5

My boss from Austin, TX came in today, along with the mega boss of all bosses, the head of the entire customer support department. Gasp!

Today, I was truly a part of the management team. I was in meetings nearly all day, trading observations for feedback. I’ve never been in the closed-door room before; it was both humbling and exhilarating. I really did feel like I was a part of the team that will decide how we do business going forward, and I know my contributions made a difference. 

I feel uplifted and suddenly very relevant. My hard work has indeed paid off. 

But also, my personal life is going very well. Amanda has really done a lot of expanding her social sphere. She joined a mental health forum as well as several other sites and groups. She even found someone local. It has been a largely rewarding experience. However, there was one user who attached himself to Amanda right from the get go on the message board. He almost reminds me of a significantly more desperate me of, say, five years ago. But he’s taken it to the next level. His incessant pleas for intimacy got so bad it actually drove Amanda off the forum altogether. Also, let me be clear, she explicitly expressed her relationship status and intentions as committed and benign. Nevertheless, he’s telling her how she lights up his life, she makes him smile and other such inconsiderately applied fondnesses. I get how people who are really depressed can be like this, but being unwilling to listen after being deterred is a conscious choice, not a symptom. I pity him, but vaguely understand. My relationship with Jax started in a slightly similar fashion; born of depression and loneliness. So there’s your evidence that relationships forged from the fires of sadness rarely, if ever, work out. 

I’m doing much better managing my boundaries lately. I’ve found it easier the further I get from the time when I was not disciplined. Each day, the fog clears a bit. I feel confident in my direction going forward. I know it’s working; it has already made a significant difference. Genuinely, I’m glad I did this to myself. I have garnered success and confidence. 

Well, I still owe myself a mile on the elliptical. And then, to bed. Unlike most of you weirdos, I can drink coffee and exercise AND still hit my bedtime right on the button. So goodnight for now; more to come from the inner-circle tomorrow. 


Score: +3.5

Hi blog. I’m moving forward in my life, hoping to find a pattern that fits. It seems like I’ve had busy week after busy week without any let up. If not for my newfound attitude, I think I would be struggling to hold it all together. Tonight, I reflect on the things I have done to get myself to this point. I need to so that I can better understand what else I still need to accomplish. 

I have put up boundaries and kept to them, despite temptation. I have dedicated myself to having a better attitude about my life and found energy in me that I didn’t know I had. I know now that I am on a healthier path in my reality, and it is one that I choose to walk voluntarily. My brain thrives on chaos and uncertainty. Fear. These are negatives I have tried to do away with. I have implemented structure and discipline, and things are looking up. 

Amanda and I have been good. We are transitioning out of her recovery time and into going back to regular life. She’s not quite ready, but is still finding her way. This time she has left is critical to her chances going forward. Right now she’s exploring what it means to go through ECT and how unfamiliar a group it has made her a part of. I do hope she finds a connection out there. She needs people to help her find a way back to her life. It’s all happening in a way that makes sense for her, and I am glad for that.

Our relationship will survive this stressful time, and come out stronger in the end. We still have much we can learn from each other. I see her rebuilding, and it gives me confidence for what I also face. I’m strong for us both, and that I feel proud of. 

Controlling monkey mind is key to learning limit the nightly damage of anxiety. Seems the buspar isn’t getting it done anymore. But I feel that I still can be in control, if I maintain a mastery of my idle mind. It’s REALLY fucking hard to control my thoughts that way, but the rewards are numerous. I will continue to practice until I am the king of monkeys. 

I’m tired. My voice is gone. I hope I’m not getting sick, that would be a huge deal this week with my boss in town. Have a good night blog, and try not to worry. 

Out Of Brain

Score: +3

It has been an exhausting week, and I am just about to run out of gas now that the end is within sight. 1 on 1s are more than half way completed, and I’ll be glad when next Wednesday gets here so I can move on to something else. Something significantly less stressful, I hope. Sitting down with all 22 agents has been and is going to be hard. 

My mood has been good, in large part. What suffers is my energy. It vacillates, which sends disturbing vibes through my normalcy. I have, however, been diligent about following through on my self-made promises. I have indeed stopped smoking, and will continue to do so indefinitely. The real shit here is that I HAVE ON HAND a healthy quantity, but I’m not going to use it. It’s going to sit there, and there will be no indulging. Not even on Friday night. I need a break from smoke. I need to really clear my head, for a good long while. I may never go back. Who knows?

I have been fighting my monkey mind every night as I try to find rest. That seems to be the time when it is most aggressive. It’s really quite hard to just focus on nothing but breathing. I mean, it SOUNDS easy, but give it a try sometime. My mind is derailed consistently after a few moments, and then I fight back and refocus. That process repeats itself over and over until sleep drags me down. I have seen little improvement in my control of monkey mind, but I know it will take time. 

Amanda is working to knock out some of her lingering anxieties today, and I am totally proud of her for that. I even told her as much and she pretty much didn’t know how to respond. Her previous partners never appreciated her for much, if anything at all. I, on the other hand, am far more effusive and observant. So maybe my compliments will take some getting used to, but at least she gets to hear them. 

I met with my psychiatrist today and she was happy to hear I had stopped smoking and also pulled myself out of a depression. She was so enthused that I’m not going to see her again until early next year. I’m not concerned. I have had no cause to change my dosages since I last posted about it in my med log. I just need to hold the line, and follow through on my promises that I have made to myself. I am going to be tested to see if my boundaries will hold, or if they will fail. 

Tomorrow is Friday, and I will be glad that this week is over. There’s just so much going on that I can barely figure it all out sometimes. This is my challenge to overcome. 

I’m pooped. Time for a burrito followed shortly by bed time. I’m forgoing my exercise tonight is the weight of this, my busiest day of the week to date, has cost me my last drops of energy. The last thing I want to do is burn up after a long day. 


The Ultimate Test

Score: +3

It’s about living up to what I deserve. Right now, I have done a lot to come about from my previous trend. I am hoping to dig myself out of a hole both mentally and physically, and I need to purge. Where I am now is not good enough. I’m dropping cannabis again. I’m ramping up my exercise. I have been meditating every night, and I’m feverishly blogging along the way. I want to feel better, more energized by my life, more in control. I feel like the more I indulge, the less I am in tune with what’s important. I shouldn’t be running from my life, I should be grabbing it by the horns. It’s been a somewhat gradual process, but I really feel this is needed. Now, more than ever, I need to rally and take charge. Amanda is trying to rebuild her castle, and my strength and unwavering dedication will help her find what she’s looking for. 

I don’t know blog. These are stressful times. This week has kept me busy. I’m handling it though. I just need to be thinking at my most clear. I need to be the most stable I have been. I owe this to myself, because I have not lived up to my own expectations. I deserve better. I am better. And now I need to go prove it. 

Winds of Change

Things are at another point of transition here in my current reality. Amanda has been advised to make some time to find herself and that will take her away from me for an indeterminate interval. I am both happy and sorrowful about this. Largely, I want her to go on this journey by herself and not feel my “presence” around her. What I mean by that is the conscious awareness that another person is there, a person linked by intimacy and friendship. That in an of itself is a burden on the mind, which has to spend extra energy dealing with this “other.” Amanda needs time to not have that presence there, and to concentrate solely on self-development. 

In some minor way I am sad that I will be without my friend and lover for a while. I know truly that it is for the best, but I wouldn’t be human if some part of me didn’t wish she could just stay with me. Maybe we could figure it out together? Meh. Unlikely. She really does need to be alone right now. 

Today is going fine. Busy time for me these days. Hopefully by mid next week I can stop and catch my breath. I just want things to finally fall back into a healthy pattern, for both of us. 

Many Events

Score: +2.5

Things have largely stabilized here on the home front. Amanda has nearly finished her ECT treatments and will soon be on her way to normalcy. She has also acquired a therapist who is helping her go through her traumas. Hopefully this is a healing process that she can be enthusiastically involved in. One note, her therapist did recommend that Amanda end her relationship with me in order to go on a proper quest to find herself. Arguably, she never really got the time after her divorce, so it makes sense that she should have it. I think she can still do that without breaking up with me. She can disappear to her mom’s or her sister’s house for a few weeks, enough time to clear from the inherent relationship pressure and just be herself. I fully support her quest to become a more self-aware and defined Amanda. 

In my world, work has intensified, which brings in a lot of stress. Right now is a critical stage, and I’m doing my best to get it right. Not always succeeding is the hard part for me. But I have been upholding my end of the bargain: I have adhered to my regulation of cannabis without deviation, I have been exercising every day, and I have been meditating at night to cut through my nightly anxieties. So far, this has been working well for me. I feel more balanced, less detached in general. I am focusing better and my enthusiasm has started to come back. All in all, my stock is climbing. 

Amanda and I are in this together. Whatever obstacle that needs to be overcome, we will push to do so. She will find her answers on her terms, and I need to be patient with that process. I’m here to support her. 

I worry unnecessarily sometimes. Isn’t that the beauty of anxiety though? More practice for my meditation. 

Have a good night.  

Things and Stuff

Tonight I’m concentrating on holding my impulses at bay. I spent some time exercising when Tristan was here, I did a mile. I promised myself that I would “step it up” so another mile is upcoming. I’m going to deconstruct my processes and improve in areas that need help. Control. Willpower. Discipline. I’m holding true to my boundaries and continuing to aim for my goals. 

But I’m doing good. Looking forward to a day at Sea World tomorrow with Amanda and Tristan. I have a plan for dinner tomorrow night. It’s pretty fucking awesome. 

NFL season continues tomorrow. Frankly, I don’t care that I won’t see the numbers come in live, but I’d much rather be with my tribe, Amanda and Tristan, than alone watching football. Out having fun and making new memories? Or watching football… sorry football, but you’re going to lose every time in that matchup. As it should be. 

I’m hoping for a good night’s sleep tonight, and a fantastic day tomorrow. I’m so detached from concern about fantasy this year. What will be, will be, and I care not. I’m not getting all committed like I have in years past. Never again. 


Internal Debriefing

This last week has been solid. Everything seems to be shaping up for a run at stability. My discipline and mindfulness continue as I practice both daily, and my attitude is positive. I’ve been doing excellently at work and have reached a turning point. I felt as though I needed a dramatic change in perspective. I took a step back, and reassessed. I still have trouble with my nagging anxieties and bad thoughts. I do the best I can to reveal them as rediculous or irrelevant. That’s the ongoing struggle. Other than that, I have largely achieved my goal of re-analyzing my life. 

I need to be more aware of myself and my patterns. I have done some good work putting up boundaries for some things, but not everything. I need to be aiming to regulate and get the whole situation under control. It’s up to me to make that change, and I must if I am ever to succeed in my goals. Willpower must be the umbrella under which all, of relevance,  are sheltered. 

I know I am doing good, but I can continue to improve. Most importantly, I need to continue to demonstrate stability and acceptance to Amanda. Her journey is hers to walk and not mine to redirect or otherwise effect. I have my own life to manage. I have no grounds to be telling anyone else how to live theirs. She’s finding a way though this and I need to be there to back her up, and being there for her is exactly what I am going to continue to do. 

She makes me feel grounded and real, and can remind me of what’s important about life. When things get hard, we can always help each other. I have a friend and a partner, and although we are still building our trust, it is being strengthened with time. I know I want to be here going forward. This life has brought me peace and prosperity. I intend to keep it that way. 

So I hope you have a good weekend. 

Strap In

Score: +3

Back at it again today blog. Felt good to be at my seat and productive in a new way. I find I’m feeling better about work now that I have a more confident attitude. I got shit done, and I felt great about it. This is an improvement from feeling anxious and paranoid. My days alone practicing good attitude and disciplined mind seem to have paid off. 

I took Amanda to ECT today, number 13 of 15. She fared better than last time, where she couldn’t walk and we had to wheel her out to the parking lot. She was upbeat and eager to talk about all the shit that’s been going on with her ex. Though, I think she’s coming to a real understanding about it. She has not finished grieving, but at least now she’s coping. 

I gave a lot of energy today. I feel exhausted in my mind, and maybe because of all the work I put in over the long weekend. I owe myself a mile on the elliptical, and I will get that done here shortly. Stay true. 

I’m going to let cannabis back into my life, under extremely controlled circumstances. I have a schedule, and I stick to it. Period. There will be no deviation. In turn, my life will be better for it. I will learn valuable lessons on how to control my desires and how to respect boundaries. Plus, I will still get to use a prescribed treatment for Bipolar disorder that I had been abusing. It will be made useful again. 

Things are looking up. Thought it was all going to come crashing down on me but I managed to hold it all together somehow and preserve a chance to have a happy life again. Now all I need to do is hold course. 

Another Step Forward

Score: +3

I was expecting Amanda home sooner but she is still house sitting for a friend. She needs to be home tonight though because she has ECT tomorrow. I’ve had the day to myself again and I made good use of it. 

The struggle today has been mostly mental in nature. I’ve had to overcome some fairly strong waves of anxiety, and I did so without response or reaction. I calmly, coolly, let the boiling blood simmer down. I did some limited exercise, a load of Amanda’s laundry, the dishes again and I watched a lot of NFL and baseball stuff on the tv. But mostly I was just thinking about how I miss Amanda and how I hurt for what she is going through. 

She and her ex had a nuclear meltdown fight. The relationship between them is a smoldering ruin. She is crushed, and get this, the woman who never cries is bawling. Think there might have been some suppressed emotions under there through the years? It’s natural for her to be upset, and emotional. She’s dealing with a ton of trauma and memory that goes back through most of her life. I can’t help her find a way through. She has to find it for herself. But I know she can. She has to grieve, and then she will transition on. Like we all do and must. 

So I’m having a good day alone. Practicing my disciplines. Making sure everything looks perfect for Amanda tonight. Hope you all have a good night. 

Progress Day

It’s the morning of my last day off, and I feel really great about it. I’ve had a very good weekend taking care of myself and the house. I am sending a clear message that the pattern is changing, and a promising future lies ahead. 

There’s not much left for me to do labor wise today. The work I want to do is mental in nature. I have begun setting boundaries and goals and succeeding in adhering to them. Even if I’m feeling lazy or tired, I still need to crank out a mile on the elliptical. Even if my monkey mind is running rampant, I still need to stop, breathe, and focus. I managed to meditate myself to sleep last night when my brain was all jacked-up from fantasy football. I went to bed at a normal time AND woke up at a normal time… circadian cycle officially back to normal! It has been a weekend of small triumphs working towards a new and prosperous road ahead. 

Today Amanda is coming home and I am excited for her to see how committed I am to making things right. I want to show her I can be strong and stable, and more than capable of handling my responsibilities. I was really letting things slide before, but I won’t be guilty of complacency again. Most importantly, I feel genuinely proud of the strides I’ve made the last few days as it pertains to my willpower and motivation. I have a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. 

Going forward, I will continue to test my willpower and control my mind to embark on a new age of mental discipline. I am very happy with the direction things are going. 

Fantasy Football 2016, 2nd Draft

I must preface with the fact that I was the only person who live drafted. So this league is very likely abandoned, which is what I was afraid of. But maybe they will still play, who knows. 

QB: Cam Newton, Tyrod Taylor

RB: Le’Veon Bell, Adrian Peterson, Davonta Freeman, Melvin Gordon, LeGarrett Blount

WR: Julian Edelman, Jarvis Landry, Michael Crabtree, Willie Snead

TE: Travis Kelce

DEF: Kansas City

I’m my league, the second flex on the roster allows for a second QB if desired. I wanted two running quarterbacks in the starting lineup. Then I hit pay dirt with running backs. An excellent haul. WR, eh, the weakest link. Jarvis is a talented player, but he and a hobbled Edelman only have an outside chance at both being of PPR relevance. My defense was picked off the tailings. Still decent, but not great. 

In the end, this one doesn’t matter all that much. I’m the projected winner of the draft. Won it last year too, en route to a championship. I now believe there to have been some foul play last year, but in the end, he fucked himself out of a championship. All I had to do was sit back and watch karmic retribution take its course. 
Happy season. Here’s hoping I don’t totally suck. 

Fantasy Football 2016, 1st Draft

My first league, the one with money on it and has most of my cousins in it, drafted earlier. My lineup is a mixed bag of hopeful projections and calculated risks. 

QB: Cam Newton

RB: Le’Veon Bell, Doug Martin, Thomas Rawls, Melvin Gordon, Matt Jones

WR: Keenan Allen, Demaryus Thomas, Golden Tate, Michael Crabtree, Tavon Austin

TE: Gary Barnidge

K: Mason Crosby

DEF: St. Louis, Buffalo

I gambled on defense, but in this league, they’re not often relevant. Just as long as their not worth a negative number. But those two defenses might utterly flop. I like my multipurpose QB, and the potential of my running backs after Le’Veon’s suspension is over, after week 3. My team suddenly becomes relevant. Gary is also a risk, based on RGIII’s success. If he gets annihilated and rarely completed a pass, Gary will be useless. My wide receivers are, again, a risk. Keenan seems like a good get for 100 receptions or more depending on his health. Demaryus is a risk, because the rookie QB has a high probability to fail, and would then not complete many passes to him. But he fell so far, like the fourth round. I had to take him. He’s fucking elite. 

If things go my way, I would be totally shocked. I took SO MANY risks this time. If some of them pay out, I could be relevant, but it could all fall apart so easily. I have significantly less hope this year than I did last, and last year I had not very much to begin with. But I underestimated my team and myriad waiver moves. Playing the waivers pushed my mediocre team over the top. I even lost my number one draft pick, Jaamal Charles, mid season. Still won the championship on waiver claims Doug Martin,  Lamar Miller, Tre Mason, and… believe it or not, Cameron Artis-Payne (Johnathan Stewart’s backup in Carolina). As a side note, I picked up Cameron and Tre the week before off waivers, both worth double digit fantasy points in the championship (and each had a touchdown, the margin that clinched my victory). 

So having good pieces to start with is important, and this year I will likely have very few. But we shall see. The probability of winning back to back championships is impossibly unlikely. Possible, but marginally so. 
I’m a few minutes away from my second draft in the league where I am commissioner. I’ll have another post sometime thereafter. I’m far less concerned with that league, in fact, it would be better for my work environment if I did poorly. Winning that one this year might be the last year anybody plays in it. 


Score: +3

The way I see it, I can control myself much better than I had been recently. Part of the all-encompassing overhaul of my reality is that I need to be able to control myself. I need to be able to set a boundary and not cross it. I have been giving in to temptation and behaving like a hedonist. My world started to fall apart because I had relinquished control. Well, the days of that are over. 

I will make controlling myself a part of my journey towards a healthier life. I will not only set boundaries, but goals as well. I can succeed in my life if I have mastery of it. So now I’m thinking that I will need to put my boundary-setting discipline to the test. In time, I will reintroduce my vices and actually control myself. I will not fall into an abusive pattern, I will be measured and respectful at all times. Just like how I want to meditate to better control my thoughts, so to do I wish to control my desires and compulsions. Discipline! 

Well I’m getting ready for draft 2. Less concerned about this one. Just going to have fun with it. 

I’m still sick. I need to kill this mothetfucker. EXTERMINATE. 

Goodbye for now. 

Getting Harder

I managed to jam my morning with things to accomplish, but now I have some down time and I am not handling it well. 

My frustrations are many: first, this stomach bug still has me. I’m tired of broth. I want to eat food. This sucks. Second, I am now craving a vice of some form to help me deal with my off time. I am not going to acknowledge that feeling, and certainly not indulge it. However, it’s hard to suppress something so familiar. It’s also abundantly and closely available, which makes it even more of a challenge. But I am persevering. I have not crumbled in the face of temptation. I hope I can continue to do that. 

I drafted in my money league. I have a decent team, but not very deep at wide receiver. My running backs are also a tad suspect as Le’Veon Bell won’t play the first three games of the season. Cost me my first pick to get him, but if he stays healthy, I may have the best RB in the league. We will have to see how it plays out, but I had hoped for better than what I got. 

I spent some time in the shower but I didn’t meditate. I did a half mile on the elliptical, as I was quite sore from the two miles I did yesterday. I will get back up there and do another half mile later. 

I called my dad. He was doing good. I told him about the draft and we caught up for a bit. 

This is my issue: how am I handling that time when nothing is going on? I can’t just live from distraction to distraction. I need to be able to be alone, and at peace. I’m not thinking any negative thoughts. I’m not sad or overly anxious. I am getting clingy to the idea of indulgence, but I still don’t believe that doing so is a good idea. I need more of a break than I have had so far. I need to give it more time before reassessing and establishing new boundaries for myself. I’m not at the confidence level yet to say that I am strong enough to manage that, and it will take my continued denial of temptation that should promote growth in a positive direction. 

As the day goes on, and my processes continue to be worked out, I pause and reflect on the steps I have taken so far to get to this point. 

Productivity Day

I have done much of the housework for the upcoming week, and I know Amanda will be surprised when she sees it. It’s the least I can do for her as she tries to find normalcy in her recovery. I have provided much turbulence to that goal of late. 

But I’m rectifying my obstinate position and becoming more of an open book. My processes all exposed and laid bare for all to see. Humility. It is utterly humbling to tear yourself down to the components and reassess. This is what I have been doing for the last several days. It’s hard work, to be sure, but also hugely rewarding. I feel like I have taken several large steps in an better direction since I nearly blew up my life. 

I’m looking forward to having Amanda home today. I can’t wait to give her a big hug and welcome her to a happy house. A clean and ready house too. A place where she can just relax, open her creative mind, and explore. The best healing is done from within the mind, constituting a change in both perception and direction. After she gets through treatment, I know she will still have some work to do to get herself ready for work. 

Well blog, I’m feeling good today. I have been highly useful so far. More updates to come. 


Well blog, it’s a new day. Unfortunately that day started at 3:30 again. But in consolation, Amanda was also awake so we had a chance to chat for a while. She has been cranking out the art of late. Check out what she’s been doing with Photoshop here

Meanwhile, back at Arkham, I’m doing chores in preparation for an uninterrupted block of draft time for the money league. Which is coming up at 10 pacific. Later tonight the league that I am commissioner of will draft. This stage is absolutely pivotal, and dictates the majority of outcomes for the 2016 NFL season. If I don’t draft well, I’ll have no fun this year and not be competitive or relevant. So I’m thinking about that. 

I scrubbed most of the mold out of the shower, but it was pretty stuck on there in some places. I also scrubbed the bottom of the tub to get all the stuck-on dirt to go away. After that, I vacuumed most of the apartment with the exception of Tristan’s room, which I still need to clean. I will also hammer out the dishes and clean both bathrooms. I want Amanda to be surprised when she comes home. And relieved, knowing most everything has been taken care of. 

My stomach bug may be finally dying. Hopefully it’s not just an anomaly. I guess I’ll find out later today. 

Mood wise, I feel pretty solid. This is like Saturday part two, so I’m pretty happy that today will not be the end of my break. I have lots going on to keep myself occupied, and I will also make some time for meditation again. Today is just getting going, but already off to a promising start. Now to put some good mental health actions into my reality. 

No Sleep ‘Till Brooklyn

I’m here winding down my day, and I’m facing some mental and physical challenges:

Physically, I have a wicked stomach bug that has caused me to shit straight liquid for days. I have cranked up the offensive by reducing my diet to broth, as even jello seemed to agitate it. So me and broth have become new, fast friends. And water. Don’t forget about water. We will all team up together and starve the bug until it is gone. It might take all weekend, but food is clearly not an option. Couple my menial diet with frequent exercise and a recipe for both exhaustion and weight loss takes shape. I have neglected my exercise while my vasectomy healed, but I can’t hold off on it any longer. It is crucial to my health that I exercise every day, and be proactive about losing weight. I’m obese, and I don’t want to be anymore. 
On the mental front, I’m feeling a bit anxious and lonely. I need to cope with those feelings by recognizing them for what they are. Thoughts that are suppressed find ways of coming back, but thoughts that are noticed get satisfactory recognition and go away. So I’m here trying to give some attention to my anxious thoughts. It’s not indulging them, it’s more like placating. They are appeased, not denied. So I have been doing this for the last hour or more with some success. I have no physical anxiety symptoms but my thoughts are still spinning a bit. 

But honestly, today was a resounding success. I held true to my game plan of accomplishing things and doing good mental health activities. I was alone for the bulk of that time, and did not perish or flounder. I did just fine. I was not looking to keep myself from being bored; I wanted to challenge myself to see how I would cope with not doing anything. I didn’t get over-anxious and have a panic attack. I also didn’t spiral down into depression. These are all excellent indicators of an improving mental state. 

Back to physical: I’m also trying to stay awake. My sleep schedule is officially a fucknado. I’m consistently awake “for good” at 3 am, usually  with two hours to go before work, and it’s even worse when I do it on the weekends. I’m SUPPOSED to sleep in? Why can I not do that? Maybe because I fall asleep when the fucking sun is still in the sky. Ridiculous. I can’t wait for daylight savings to be over. At least I would be somewhat closer to a natural circadian rhythm. For now, I have to push myself to stay up and I’ll be doing it without the assistance of coffee, as this is not acceptable for ingestion in my current state. A bummer, yes, but also a challenge… and I like challenges. 

I’ll let you know later if I succeeded in postponing my bedtime. 


Score: +4

It has been a good day blog. I did some chores to get some essential stuff taken care of. I want there to be fewer things for Amanda to worry about when she gets back. It’s a good feeling coming home to a clean house, I believe. So I have been occupied with that, as well as several other things:

I meditated in the shower twice, and let me tell you, trying to meditate when you have zero practice at it is fucking hard. I was working overtime to suppress monkey mind and just focus on my breathing. I dispensed with random thoughts over again and got back to thinking solely about my breath. I think I was in there for 10 or 15 minutes each time. I definitely enjoy the calming feeling it brings, but it’s work to maintain it. But it’s powerful brain-training to meditate and learn to control your mind. 

I also did another mile on the elliptical. That second one was very difficult. At the end though, it felt nourishing to have my pulse up. I know exercise is like always beneficial, so I want to make it a part of my plan going forward. And now that I have discarded my inhaled vices, I should see an increase to the previous effectiveness of the workout. 

And I’m thinking about Amanda, and how much I love her. I look back on how I have been and I am both ashamed yet driven. I don’t want to fall into another pattern like that again. I want to respect my PARTNER, which implies equality. I wasn’t treating her like one; I was condescending. 

It’s nice to get some time just to work on myself. I’ve written significantly more posts than I had say a week ago. I’ve been opening my mental processes to the blog like it was meant to be used. I had been just farting out posts which were largely summaries of events and not explorations of processes. I intend to change that. It needs to get back to being an introspective tool, not a lifeless chronology. 

So I will have a post later to really put a cap on the day. 


I need to be ok just being in a quiet space by myself, not occupying every moment of my time with a distraction. This is part of the test of my new direction. 

So I did spend some time with my family in the morning. I watched Hard Knocks with my dad. Then I came home and the cats went fucking crazy on me. Meowing, bumping into me, meowing some more, but in earnest this time. It took about an hour to settle them down, but eventually they went to sleep. 

I have done a mile on the elliptical. I’m going to do another one later in the afternoon. 

I am also going to spend some time just sitting in a quiet space, trying to control monkey mind. I need practice in this area. Desperately. 

Tomorrow both my leagues are drafting. One in the morning, the other at night. I’ve never been more underprepared for a draft, but I don’t really care. I have just so many other things I’m thinking about. I’m trying to be less and less wound up by the NFL. I mean, I still enjoy it, but I’m not obsessed like I used to be. 

I talked with a friend who lives in Italy who is going through a separation and divorce. She is coming to visit soon, and we are going to the desert to do some rockhounding. Im sad because in her situation, her mentally ill partner won’t get help and believes aliens are responsible for his mood problems. Ok. I’m serious. I read the article he forewarded, and it’s fucking nuts. I know that when I have a problem, I recognize and address as quickly as possible. But Andrea is locked in a delusion from which there is no escape. It bums me out. Angi doesn’t deserve that. 

Well, I will do a post after I try to meditate, and let you know how that goes. 

Busily Alone

I have an eventful weekend ahead. I’ve made plans for myself so that I am not overcome by boredom and anxiety, which is what used to happen to me in those situations. 

I was feeling a little down a while ago, but I did a mile on the elliptical and now I feel much better. That really helps take the physical anxiety away. Burns it up like paper in fire. 

Now I’m on the couch with the tv on but muted. I think I want to try meditating or at least attempting to. The war with monkey mind is ongoing. 

I feel good right now. I’m happy knowing that Amanda is having fun with her friend. I am glad to be at the very start of a long weekend. I am grateful for my bed, and the two ridiculous cats that live here too. This life is the best I’ve known, and I must fight to stay in it. I want to be both present and accountable in my reality. 

I am supposed to talk to my friend Will but I have not heard back for a couple hours. 

Maybe I will have a nightcap post, maybe not. 

Me Time

Score: +3.5

Amanda is off to her old friend’s house for some girl time. This leaves me here in the apartment to go about enforcing some good solitary behaviors. I need to be able to be just by myself and not freak out. I used to have a very hard time with this, especially when I was in that one bedroom apartment a few years ago. I would get very anxious and sad and even break into tears. I think I’ve come a long way from that point, but there is still work to be done. 

This weekend will be about rebuilding the franchise. I will embrace a healthy attitude about my life and manage my responsibilities without wavering. I am down to my last strike here, and I can’t strike out. Not an option. So I will promote positive activities and thoughts as I spend my alone time occupied with things to do. I intend to get on the elliptical and burn some calories. I want to feverishly blog and keep myself present and aware of my emotions and thoughts. I will take time to relax, and attempt to meditate, but monkey mind and I are currently in open war, and he is winning. I will also spend some time with my parents as they are a beneficial part of my support system. 

I have had this stomach bug for a few days. Real food is only making it worse. I’m down to chicken broth and jello. It’s going to be the worst food weekend of my life. Easily. 

I’ll check in later. 


It’s my lunch. Hi. I have been productive today, and feeling positive and upbeat. Margaret brought up some good points about how I had stopped being mindful up until a couple of days ago. This is a practice I am very familiar with and have benefited from extensively in my past. It is something I need to get back to doing. 

Introspection is going to be the key to my success as I try to correct the negative behaviors that have landed me in a depressed state. I need to be aware, and to slow my thoughts down to observe them before conducting action based on them. I can pay internal attention to my anxieties to have them be recognized, but not embraced. The attention they get from me is only enough to become aware of the presence of anxious thoughts, but not enough to for them to take flight and mess me up. I have also been coping with negative thoughts and feelings by exercising. I had to put that coping mechanism on hold until the soreness from my vasectomy dissipates. 

I’m really driven to better myself. I had let things get out of control, but now I feel my fists tightening around the reigns. I’m headed back to a place of not only functionally, but disciplined control of my mental state. When I don’t pay super close attention to my thoughts, everything goes to shit. Depression creeps back in unnoticed. I can’t let that happen again. I need to be vigilant. 

I am really excited to have the opportunity to get this right. I’m doing it because I want to be proud of myself again. I want to have strength and willpower. I need to earn those things back, and I will. 

All your likes and comments have been totally unexpected and hugely appreciated. I’m glad others feel like they can gain something from my journey. It’s just one mentally ill guy trying to live a life he can be confident in. If that jives with you, then welcome aboard. 


Hey blog. Amanda and I slept in the same bed for most of the night, which I thought was amazing. I sleep so much better when she’s over there. She had been either staying up or sleeping on the couch of late. 

Last day of work before a long weekend. Since my shift is about to start, I don’t have much progress to share. I feel good, strong, and secure right now. I need to be very mindful of my behaviors in these next few days as I withdraw. 

Hope you all have a good day. 


In short, I need to be able to see others. Lately, I have been stampeding over the feelings and thoughts of those around me while dispensing unwanted advice. This is not a winning strategy. I have been blinded by my own inward-spiral and noxious, intoxicating fumes. What I need is clarity, which is something both time and introspection can grant me. I need to see what I have been doing to others. Right now, I feel like an itchy trigger finger, and that mentality does not promote slowing down thoughts for analysis. 

This is the challenge: getting back to knowing myself. It’s a journey that can’t happen rapidly, because it takes time to reverse a pattern. It is a task I am fully willing to undertake, for my own sanity and the security of my world. 

The next step is processing the output of others. I need to be a better listener and observer rather that interrupting interjector. I’m not in a superior position. In fact, my position is shabby and in need of work. I was not able to see this for myself. Amanda had to break up with me in order for me to be aware. Sometimes a shock is what it takes to bring about change. It is a wasted lesson if no action is taken. I could not live with myself knowing there was more I could have done to save my life but didn’t. I want to do everything I can to save it, because it means everything to me. My current situation has helped promote the best mental health of my entire life. I would truly be a fool to abandon it for any reason. Nothing is more important than being stable. Every element of value in my world has its roots in my stability. It takes more than just a relationship and a home, it takes a commitment to the self to be strong, observant, analytical and empathetic. Among many other virtues. 

I have a tough road ahead, but you are all coming along with me as I once again try to repair the self-inflicted damage I have done to my life. Isn’t this like a microcosm of being mentally ill? Complacency leads to decay, decay to destruction, and then from rubble to structure. Over and over. Every time a new permutation with different variables. It’s how we respond to it that defines us. 

My night is nearly over. I had a good chat with my therapist today, so that both reflective and productive. I’m tired though. Really. I’ve spent some emotion today, that’s for sure. 

A Chance

Score: +2.5

I had a phone conversation with Amanda this afternoon while I was at work. We talked about our break up, and I completely crumbled thinking about losing my beautiful life with her and Tristan. I couldn’t handle notbseeing them again, and I swore that I would get myself right if only I could have another chance. I cried, and pleaded from a place of utmost desperate sincerity. She agreed that we did have a really good relationship up until a short time ago, and that it didn’t make sense to throw it out over my having lost the path. So we will go independently to get healthy, but stay together. 

I’m feeling very positive about all this. I know that I have started down a road towards a healthier me. I have a meeting with my therapist here shortly, and I hope we can go over my rut and help me figure a way out of it. She’s good at providing guidance during the introspective process. 

Day 1 of sobriety feels great. Really great. I was lost in a gray cloud for a while there, but now I am starting to see light peek through. In a few days I will be past withdrawal, but even that I don’t think will be a big deal. I was blinded, and I don’t want to go back to that. A change in this department is what I needed. 

Today I struggled with emotions, hopes, fears… everything. I went through hell trying to make sense of what I had to do. It was imparative I figure out what shape I want my life to take now. I’m even considering creating another long-term project page, but we shall see. It’s not necessary. My motivation should come from within. 

Have a good evening. Here’s to day one of my new life and attitude. 

Proceed With Confidence

I know I just need to get myself right, and worry about the other stuff later. There’s nothing I can do right now about my relationship, as I need to be healthy in order to participate in it. Right now, I am still trying to rebuild confidence in myself and my direction. I’ve let my life come partially undone, and now I need to put it back together. 
I am aware that these things take time. There is no miraculous overhaul in a day. I still don’t feel out of my rut, but I do know that things have changed. My perceptions and aspirations have gone a new direction, which is exactly what I needed. I can and will climb out of this hole and get right. Clear the fog, and start fresh. 
My hope is that I can win Amanda back not with direct action, but with the strength and stability of a healthy man. I need to show her that I can do that. 

Busy at work today, but my brain is just overflowing with thoughts. It’s a tough time for me. I need to be doing this for myself, but I miss Amanda and what we had.