Looking 

In short, I need to be able to see others. Lately, I have been stampeding over the feelings and thoughts of those around me while dispensing unwanted advice. This is not a winning strategy. I have been blinded by my own inward-spiral and noxious, intoxicating fumes. What I need is clarity, which is something both time and introspection can grant me. I need to see what I have been doing to others. Right now, I feel like an itchy trigger finger, and that mentality does not promote slowing down thoughts for analysis. 

This is the challenge: getting back to knowing myself. It’s a journey that can’t happen rapidly, because it takes time to reverse a pattern. It is a task I am fully willing to undertake, for my own sanity and the security of my world. 

The next step is processing the output of others. I need to be a better listener and observer rather that interrupting interjector. I’m not in a superior position. In fact, my position is shabby and in need of work. I was not able to see this for myself. Amanda had to break up with me in order for me to be aware. Sometimes a shock is what it takes to bring about change. It is a wasted lesson if no action is taken. I could not live with myself knowing there was more I could have done to save my life but didn’t. I want to do everything I can to save it, because it means everything to me. My current situation has helped promote the best mental health of my entire life. I would truly be a fool to abandon it for any reason. Nothing is more important than being stable. Every element of value in my world has its roots in my stability. It takes more than just a relationship and a home, it takes a commitment to the self to be strong, observant, analytical and empathetic. Among many other virtues. 

I have a tough road ahead, but you are all coming along with me as I once again try to repair the self-inflicted damage I have done to my life. Isn’t this like a microcosm of being mentally ill? Complacency leads to decay, decay to destruction, and then from rubble to structure. Over and over. Every time a new permutation with different variables. It’s how we respond to it that defines us. 

My night is nearly over. I had a good chat with my therapist today, so that both reflective and productive. I’m tired though. Really. I’ve spent some emotion today, that’s for sure. 

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