It has been a good day blog. I did some chores to get some essential stuff taken care of. I want there to be fewer things for Amanda to worry about when she gets back. It’s a good feeling coming home to a clean house, I believe. So I have been occupied with that, as well as several other things:
I meditated in the shower twice, and let me tell you, trying to meditate when you have zero practice at it is fucking hard. I was working overtime to suppress monkey mind and just focus on my breathing. I dispensed with random thoughts over again and got back to thinking solely about my breath. I think I was in there for 10 or 15 minutes each time. I definitely enjoy the calming feeling it brings, but it’s work to maintain it. But it’s powerful brain-training to meditate and learn to control your mind.
I also did another mile on the elliptical. That second one was very difficult. At the end though, it felt nourishing to have my pulse up. I know exercise is like always beneficial, so I want to make it a part of my plan going forward. And now that I have discarded my inhaled vices, I should see an increase to the previous effectiveness of the workout.
And I’m thinking about Amanda, and how much I love her. I look back on how I have been and I am both ashamed yet driven. I don’t want to fall into another pattern like that again. I want to respect my PARTNER, which implies equality. I wasn’t treating her like one; I was condescending.
It’s nice to get some time just to work on myself. I’ve written significantly more posts than I had say a week ago. I’ve been opening my mental processes to the blog like it was meant to be used. I had been just farting out posts which were largely summaries of events and not explorations of processes. I intend to change that. It needs to get back to being an introspective tool, not a lifeless chronology.
So I will have a post later to really put a cap on the day.