I was expecting Amanda home sooner but she is still house sitting for a friend. She needs to be home tonight though because she has ECT tomorrow. I’ve had the day to myself again and I made good use of it.
The struggle today has been mostly mental in nature. I’ve had to overcome some fairly strong waves of anxiety, and I did so without response or reaction. I calmly, coolly, let the boiling blood simmer down. I did some limited exercise, a load of Amanda’s laundry, the dishes again and I watched a lot of NFL and baseball stuff on the tv. But mostly I was just thinking about how I miss Amanda and how I hurt for what she is going through.
She and her ex had a nuclear meltdown fight. The relationship between them is a smoldering ruin. She is crushed, and get this, the woman who never cries is bawling. Think there might have been some suppressed emotions under there through the years? It’s natural for her to be upset, and emotional. She’s dealing with a ton of trauma and memory that goes back through most of her life. I can’t help her find a way through. She has to find it for herself. But I know she can. She has to grieve, and then she will transition on. Like we all do and must.
So I’m having a good day alone. Practicing my disciplines. Making sure everything looks perfect for Amanda tonight. Hope you all have a good night.