Out Of Brain

Score: +3

It has been an exhausting week, and I am just about to run out of gas now that the end is within sight. 1 on 1s are more than half way completed, and I’ll be glad when next Wednesday gets here so I can move on to something else. Something significantly less stressful, I hope. Sitting down with all 22 agents has been and is going to be hard. 

My mood has been good, in large part. What suffers is my energy. It vacillates, which sends disturbing vibes through my normalcy. I have, however, been diligent about following through on my self-made promises. I have indeed stopped smoking, and will continue to do so indefinitely. The real shit here is that I HAVE ON HAND a healthy quantity, but I’m not going to use it. It’s going to sit there, and there will be no indulging. Not even on Friday night. I need a break from smoke. I need to really clear my head, for a good long while. I may never go back. Who knows?

I have been fighting my monkey mind every night as I try to find rest. That seems to be the time when it is most aggressive. It’s really quite hard to just focus on nothing but breathing. I mean, it SOUNDS easy, but give it a try sometime. My mind is derailed consistently after a few moments, and then I fight back and refocus. That process repeats itself over and over until sleep drags me down. I have seen little improvement in my control of monkey mind, but I know it will take time. 

Amanda is working to knock out some of her lingering anxieties today, and I am totally proud of her for that. I even told her as much and she pretty much didn’t know how to respond. Her previous partners never appreciated her for much, if anything at all. I, on the other hand, am far more effusive and observant. So maybe my compliments will take some getting used to, but at least she gets to hear them. 

I met with my psychiatrist today and she was happy to hear I had stopped smoking and also pulled myself out of a depression. She was so enthused that I’m not going to see her again until early next year. I’m not concerned. I have had no cause to change my dosages since I last posted about it in my med log. I just need to hold the line, and follow through on my promises that I have made to myself. I am going to be tested to see if my boundaries will hold, or if they will fail. 

Tomorrow is Friday, and I will be glad that this week is over. There’s just so much going on that I can barely figure it all out sometimes. This is my challenge to overcome. 

I’m pooped. Time for a burrito followed shortly by bed time. I’m forgoing my exercise tonight is the weight of this, my busiest day of the week to date, has cost me my last drops of energy. The last thing I want to do is burn up after a long day.