Score: +3.5

Hi blog. I’m moving forward in my life, hoping to find a pattern that fits. It seems like I’ve had busy week after busy week without any let up. If not for my newfound attitude, I think I would be struggling to hold it all together. Tonight, I reflect on the things I have done to get myself to this point. I need to so that I can better understand what else I still need to accomplish. 

I have put up boundaries and kept to them, despite temptation. I have dedicated myself to having a better attitude about my life and found energy in me that I didn’t know I had. I know now that I am on a healthier path in my reality, and it is one that I choose to walk voluntarily. My brain thrives on chaos and uncertainty. Fear. These are negatives I have tried to do away with. I have implemented structure and discipline, and things are looking up. 

Amanda and I have been good. We are transitioning out of her recovery time and into going back to regular life. She’s not quite ready, but is still finding her way. This time she has left is critical to her chances going forward. Right now she’s exploring what it means to go through ECT and how unfamiliar a group it has made her a part of. I do hope she finds a connection out there. She needs people to help her find a way back to her life. It’s all happening in a way that makes sense for her, and I am glad for that.

Our relationship will survive this stressful time, and come out stronger in the end. We still have much we can learn from each other. I see her rebuilding, and it gives me confidence for what I also face. I’m strong for us both, and that I feel proud of. 

Controlling monkey mind is key to learning limit the nightly damage of anxiety. Seems the buspar isn’t getting it done anymore. But I feel that I still can be in control, if I maintain a mastery of my idle mind. It’s REALLY fucking hard to control my thoughts that way, but the rewards are numerous. I will continue to practice until I am the king of monkeys. 

I’m tired. My voice is gone. I hope I’m not getting sick, that would be a huge deal this week with my boss in town. Have a good night blog, and try not to worry.