Cruelty

Score: +1

Withdrawing from extreme cannabis use has its consequences, namely, turning my mood permanently sour for a few days. That, coupled with the unbelievable stress load at work has turned today into a mess. My temper is on a short fuse. I am infuriated by even the most trivial slights. The world is a flaming, shit-soaked motherfucker headed straight for me. 

This explains my tirade against the former friend who tried to slip one past me in fantasy football 2015. More to the point, he did fool me, until the season was long over. He bailed out of this year’s league and has been ignoring my emails. So I got pissed. Called him out with rage and ire, some deserved, but mostly inflated by my symptoms. I even unfriended him and his wife on Facebook. I was pissed. I still kinda am, but more reflective now than upset. But either way, it was clearly a withdrawal fueled rant and I’m sorry for that. 

Now that today is almost over, I’m starting to settle down. I have given myself this time to be introspective and see if I can rationalize some thoughts. Especially those that trigger my frustration. I know that this week has been super tough with my boss and her boss (see: supreme boss of all bosses) flying in from out of town. The microscope is right above my head at all times… scrutinizing. It’s a high-pressure state to exist in, and I do not do well in that environment. At all. 

We have Tristan this week, and he was being his usual exuberant self. He doesn’t listen to much, and that can get frustrating. But he’s 6, and as Amanda has said again and again,this is to be expected. I’m having good chats with him though in the mornings when I would drop him off at school. His dad thinks I’m a fucking psycho, and in large part because Amanda detailed my suicide attempts to him without asking me if that was ok. So it created a shitload of drama, and he threatened action to take Tristan away because I “[was] not safe for Tristan to be around,” but in the end,it washed over and beyond us. Now things have returned to some semblance of normal. 

I just want to start next week off on the right foot. I need rest, clean clothes and silence. I need to not be spinning around on the thought carousel at 600 miles an hour. Looking back, at least I know now that I fundamentally lose my shit when the stress level gets too high. Also, I’m withdrawing, so there’s that piling on making it worse. I do believe that I should be good to go come tomorrow. No work, no aggravating instigators, just happy family time. I’m looking forward to that immensely. The tribe and I are going to a water park tomorrow. Fun fun!

I hope your week was less smothering more liberating than mine. I intend to rest long and soundly until chirpy birdy friends wake me up. If only… 

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