Angst & Woe

Score: +2

It’s been tough this week, but I am slogging through. My boss has been particularly understanding of my anxiety and has helped me get to this point: being mostly functional. 

Amanda and I are transitioning. She has decided to go on permanent disability, which I am very much in favor of. I’m nevertheless concerned that we will be hard-pressed to survive given our new potential budget. She is thinking we will move out of the apartment and into a mobile home park to save on rent/mortgage. How we are going to survive up to that point, and what resources we will have when we get there remains unclear. We have some ideas about what needs to happen, but as of yet, there is no secure path to the future we want. Everything is hinging on when disability will kick in. Too late, and we will be fucked. Royaly. 

I’m scared. I want things to work out and for us to land in a safe space for the long term. I’m just not sure how that is going to happen right now. I’m trying to be supportive, but my anxiety is getting the better of me. She is picking up on that and becoming distant. It reminds her of her mother. We had a rather frank discussion about her isolation today. I wasn’t very sure that she cared for me or for our relationship anymore, which should give you an indication of how distant things have become. I know that she’s going through s very tough trial right now, and that has a lot to do with her introverted state. I was getting anxious that she had grown tired of me, but that is not the case. Our discussion was good, and resolved a lot of my worry. 

I’m still holding on to hope that this will all work out and we will be together and happy again in a future that is stable and safe. It was a huge step forward that Amanda started the disability process… now I can only hope there are not extensive delays before she is accepted. I just want things to be ok again. 

I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m scared too. I’m the man and I need to buckle up and stand firm. I can’t destabilize right now. I am strong. I can be a pillar of strength. I have it within me. I just need to grab a hold of it. Now. 

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