Well blog, it has all come to a crashing halt. Amanda is dedicated to pursuing disability long-term and we will lose our apartment in the process as we can’t afford to live here on my income for the time it takes disability to kick in. It’s a terrible day, both shocking and bewildering. I have been given direction to take cover someplace else while the shitstorm ensues. We are not breaking up, mind you, but our lives will never be as they once were. It’s not like she has a choice. She’s catatonically depressed, immobilized, sobbing uncontrollably, and buried in a mountain of debt. She’s putting the only life jacket on me while the ship of our life slips beneath the waves.
I must now find a way to forge ahead. I need a place to live, and I am working on that now. I will also need to budget like I never budgeted before. My life will become constricted, needless to say. I’m hopeful that if I do my job, I can save money and, eventually, find a place to live with Amanda again where we can both be stable. Her disability would need to be in effect, and that process can take a very long time. She has a little money that she can survive on, so that should keep her going through the next few months. I will be helping her however I can going forward, but this is largely on her to figure out.
I’m scared that this forced distance will put a strain on our relationship. I’m still very much in love with her, and reluctantly accepted this path we are on. I want to be with her, not away from her. Things are all jumbled up right now. These next few months will be hard. The cats are going to go apeshit with me gone.
The promise of a much better life is still out there. If all the pieces fall into place, we can have a beautiful future together. I wish for that more than anything. I will do everything I can to get us there, within my power. But this is Amanda’s time. She has to be the one to get this life moving forward. Without her motivation, everything will collapse and we will be ruined. I’m confident that she not only fights for our relationship, but also providing a healthy role model for her son. She has temporarily given full custody to her ex husband, that being said. She doesn’t want it to stay that way, but also realizes that she is but a shadow of a parent to him right now. She doesn’t want her son to remember his mom as an introvert locked in an internal struggle with little time for anything else. It was a tough call, but the right one.
So blog, things are a tad crazy right now. Where I am headed is an utter mystery, at least, as of today. Things will resolve as time goes forward. Plans don’t form instantly and take time to complete. Right now, we are in the initial realization stages. The problem has only been recently identified. There is a long way to go. Hopefully, every forthcoming day brings us one step closer to being where we want to be. But I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen anymore. The uncertainty and risk are overwhelming. I must be brave, and confident. I have only myself to think about now, as I bob helplessly on the open sea, hoping for rescue.