Harder

Score: +1.5

I know it’s been a while. Frankly I have not wanted to rehash my current situation on the blog because I am still reeling from the fact that I am stuck in it. My world has taken a turn towards difficult in the past two weeks… allow me to elaborate:

I no longer live with Amanda. Instead, I live on a couch in my parent’s 1 bedroom apartment. Sleep, no, rest has been impossible. I wake up drained and lethargic. My parents are good people, but this is not where I want to be. I’m a grown man, and I need my own space. I need my bed. I need independence. I’m intruding on their life, and that bothers me. My mental health has suffered as a result and I am far less enthusiastic about being alive. 

The reason I have moved out is that Amanda is on the verge of declaring bankruptcy due to her not going to work and having bills to pay. She is currently embroiled in the lengthy process of filing for permanent disability, but that can take a year or more to then provide income. She asked me to “save myself” as the life we used to know combusts into ashes. She will run out of money in no more than a couple of months. We are still determined to keep our relationship alive, but it’s much harder than it was before. We’ve had a few fights, and resolutions, but the tension is still there. 

So, I have been apartment hunting, rather unsuccessfully. I have been declined due to poor credit, and had a place but turned it down as it was barely livable, located above a garage and infested with feral cats. I need to land somewhere I will thrive, and right now, it seems very far away. My budget is small, and my choices few. However, I will nevertheless apply myself until I indeed have a stable place to call my own. 

Right now, I’ve just concluded a 15 hour day which started by taking Amanda to ECT, then to work for a full shift, then back with Amanda to take her to psychiatry and psychology appointments which concluded at 7 pm. My day started at 4:15 am this morning. This day encapsulates my current situation; slowly sucking my essence away until I am an empty carapace. I feel like I am losing my hold on reality. 

On the other hand, my parents do live with this fluffball. She squeaks, not meows, and it is truly the most pathetic noise I have heard a cat make. She has been my friend so far, and is usually very skitterish around people who are not my mom. It’s a comfort to have a cat in the house. I am a cat person, after all. 

Blog, I’m doing the best I can, and barely holding on. I’m not giving up on my life, not now not ever. I’m just aware that it is going through a tough stretch. A very tough stretch. But I will endure and I will persevere. I will still be with and love Amanda and support her however I can. I am still her partner, even if we don’t live together anymore. This transition has been hard on me. 

Goodnight. 

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