Monthly Archives: November 2016

Solo-Time

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

Score: +3

I had Amanda for a little bit in the morning, but then she went home to be with her son. So I have been here in my apartment doing chores and watching science channel. I’m trying to isolate myself today and most of tomorrow because this is a good chance for me to cope with my emotions when I am by myself. This is necessary for my mental health, as I have explained in previous posts. 

So far the experiment is a success. I’m dealing. Entertaining myself. Doing responsible things. It has been nominal so far. I must say I do get bored easily. I have a pretty rad game of Bookworm going right now. Highest score I can remember having. 

I’m also not giving a shit about fantasy football. I’m tired of the feeling I’m getting from it. I’m not going to my parent’s place tomorrow to watch RedZone channel. I’m not spending much time watching the games at home. I’m not going to have my hot hand on my team’s scorecard. I just don’t want to care right now. I’m frustrated, and done feeling that way. I have a lot of good shit going for me right now. I’m established. I’m financially secure. I’m starting a month of training coming up here on Monday. I don’t need the stress of fantasy football invading that. I can sense when something has become destructive. 

Tomorrow I need to get food. A minimal amount that will keep me nourished for the next week. I’ve got a slog ahead of me. But I think I can do it. All my expenses were addressed, so what’s left can just be for food. 

I’m just trying to survive right now. Things are positive though, at least in my world. Tomorrow Amanda, Tristan and I will all be at the park hopefully throwing the frisbee. It’s rainy right now though. So maybe that plan will be scrapped. Either way, we will be spending time together. That will be good. 

Goodnight. 

Poised To Shift

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

I got to work from home today which I was happy about. Amanda had another ECT as well. She said she felt better after. 

She’s here with me tonight as a matter of fact. It’s much nicer having someone to sleep next to. The magic warmth of their presence soothes and sedates. 

I have to make 80 dollars last two weeks. I don’t know how I’m going to pull that off. But I have to. I think I know what I’m going to do, and tough times are ahead. Can’t pick up my meds so running out of Buspar is imminent. But of my meds, it’s easily the least important. 

It’s the end of the week. My brain is mush. Next week I’m back in the classroom. So much fun. I can’t wait. 

I feel a little strung out, but otherwise good. Walking a tightrope. Trying to stay alive out here spinning off on my own. 

I’m watching that National Geographic Channel show Mars, where they contrast a fictional story of people actually going to the red planet with examples of modern innovation which could lead to our eventual journey there. It’s interesting, because this is something I may actually see in my lifetime. The first people to set foot on another world. A true benchmark moment for human civilization. I didn’t get to see humans walk on the moon, but Mars is a bigger prize. How unreal that would be. 

Well Amanda crashed out early. I’m not ready to go to sleep yet but here I am in bed. Talking to you. 

Ok. Im going to go play Bookworm. Have a good evening. 

Week 12

by in Rant, Sports Pontifications and tagged , , ,

It’s a pivotal week in the family league. The playoff push is well underway, but now it’s time to seal the deal. I need to win my last two games and hit the postseason with the same record I had last year. Pretty shocking considering I won the championship in 2015. 

Anyway, my gambles are WR and RB. I’m starting L. Bell, M. Gordon and D. Martin. Doug is the one I’m worried about, considering he has to run against a good Seattle defense and there’s no certainty he will have much space to rumble. I need a solid 20 out of him like I got last week. WR is another story. I have two slots for three recivers: S. Diggs, D. Thomas and J. Edelman. Right now Edelman and Thomas are in with the idea that because this is PPR they look like higher-floor options. Diggs is hurt right now and not practicing so he’s no lock for Sunday at all. He let me down last week too. 

Projections have me very far above average but I never believe them. They have limited relevance. I just look at my matchups, which I like, and hope his aren’t better. It’s the commissioner of the league I’m playing this week, and I need to avenge the ass kicking I received at our first meeting. 

For defense I had a choice between Baltimore at home vs Cincinnati, or Green Bay at Philly on a Monday night. I like Baltimore better because Cincinnati just lost 46% of their offense to injury and that will lower the point scoring potential. Baltimore needs a redemption game after last weeks debacle, and I think they will get it. 

So the future looks better than it did last week, but this team I’m going up against is damn good. They are in first for a good reason. I just hope for another above average day and a W if I can get it. 

Stride 

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , ,

Score: +3

Today was pretty rock solid. I got a ton of stuff done and got to work the last two hours from home. My job is super flexible like that. It was above average today. So I’m happy about that. 

Really though, I’m just trying to be ok… specifically now that I am alone here in my apartment. I need to be able to just be here and prosper in the silence. I have been doing really good with exercise. I’m up to 1.5 miles a day on the elliptical and I’ve put well over 50 on the odometer. My diet could use improving, but that’s mainly to do with me being broke. But payday is tomorrow. This is going to be a tight squeeze this month. But overall, I’m just thinking out loud here in the quiet. I have traditionally struggled in these situations, but as of now I seem to be doing fine. I think I’m going to cope by writing a lot. 

Yes, I’m doing pretty good. I need to be the strong one right now. One day, she will rise up and become who she is inside. It’s a day I am looking forward to immensely. She deserves to be free of the suffering. An artist needs a life dedicated to creativity, and free of stress. I know we are on the road that leads there. Someday soon. 

Well I lost like I said I would last night. Odds were not in my favor. This week looks promising though. Lots of scoring potential. I eagerly await the first three on thanksgiving. 

Have a good night blog. I’m already kinda sleepy, and the sun is still up. Bah. 

Surprisingly Springy

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

Score: +3

So it was a Monday after a fun weekend. Amanda even spent the night, however, this meant we were both up and at ’em today at 4:00. She wanted to not be alone so it was worth it. She’s been having a rough go of it. Really fighting for her rights. She has a good shot at getting what she’s looking for. But we’re not there yet. 

Life in general has somewhat stabilized. I’m going to be writing my first rent check in a few days. So that’s good. It helps also that I will have the money. Indeed. I’m just going to keep plugging away and expanding the department. I’m doing good in all three phases right now. I’m helping Amanda as much as I can. Doing the best I am able to hold it all together myself. I was in a low spot only a few days ago. But I survived it, and got back in track. And good thing to since it was a busy Monday. But I was springy this morning, meaning that I had good energy right from the start. 

I’m trying to establish a good pattern. I think things are much better now. 

In FFL my win is Michael Crabtree and 13 or more points. Chances of that happening, really really low. So it looks more like a 1-1 week instead of a 2-0. I was on a four game win streak which I will be sad to see be broken, if indeed Crabtree is bottled up all night. Houston’s pass defense is no joke, but one of the two wideouts is going to get more targets, and who is still a mystery. So it is possible that Crabtree is the one getting open, but less likely considering his competition, Cooper. Anything is possible in football. But football bends to no man’s will. And I have learned over time to expect more often the cruel butt cheek of dashed dreams rather that the beacon of hope and joy that is miraculous victory. I stopped hoping after I lost that third championship by 1.5 fantasy points. Then I got real and said, “not only does it not mind if you lose, but will gladly give you a shove on your way down into ruin.” So I stopped letting it get over on me, and it has truly crushed my desire to hope for a fantasy football outcome forever. So tonight is about living with the reality of 7-4, and a demotion to fourth place. Not terrible, but not headed in the right direction. Tomorrow will be Tuesday, and life will go on. The end. 

Week 11

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So it’s getting closer to the end of the fantasy football season, and in the league where it counts I’m in 3rd place, and in (for now). Last year I went 9-2 and lost my last two. This year I’m 7-3 with three games to go and, like I said, it is within the realm of possibility that I would set my all time best record mark, adding that to my accomplishment of the 2nd highest single game score in league history (6 seasons) already this year. I was not expecting to make the playoffs drafting 8th, and still may not if I lose my next three. But regardless, my team is pretty good. They’ve propelled me to four straight wins with some bigtime scores. Although my game with David was decided in my favor by .3 points. It’s been that kind of season. I only cost myself one game so far to making moves right before kickoff. Left the win on my bench. This is why I preach the gospel of “don’t overthink it.” It’s worked wonders for me. Got me two championships last year. 

I’m hoping that somehow Crabtree gets a good matchup that Carr can exploit all day. That’s a tough secondary, but the Raiders are good. That’s a fact. Hopefully it’s not all about Oakland running the ball like it was before the bye. Luckily he was on my bench. In both leagues. 

The work league I don’t pay much mind to, as 3 teams don’t play. 7-3 there with weaker wide receivers but stronger running backs. Had been peddling 4 RBs most weeks. Just now flopped over to two QB. I figured, Dak and Cam? What could go wrong? Both have good motivation to play their guts out, and that’s just the sort of motivation I mean to capitalize on. Determined players don’t go down on first contact, they keep chugging. They move the fucking pile. Or like Bell, wait till the linebackers suck up to the line of scrimmage then bounce a fatty to the outside. 25 yards, just like that. Boy is he fun to watch. 

Anyway. This week at work I play a derelict team without a full starting lineup. Ian the quitter/cheater did not come back after losing to yours truly in the championship. So he let his team drift like plastic in the ocean. In the family/money league, I go against the 8th place team, of which there is still a strong possibility that I will lose. We both have good matchups this week, but some of his look like they could explode. Anyway, I’m still a constant skeptic. I’ve seen some pretty remarkable things in my time. It’s never over until is OVER. Q4 00:00. That’s when you can have your champagne. 

Tuesday Thoughtstream

by in Mental Illness, Rant and tagged , , , , ,

Score: +1.5

I have a significant energy problem, as indicated by today’s score. I seem to be falling into a trough. Maybe some determination is an order? While I agree, it won’t bring core energy back, but I think an inspiring diet and exercise will. But those take time, and dedication before profits are earned. However, I’m tired of the way I feel; I’m motivated to do something about it. I have the resources at my disposal to achieve success. I have already started in a positive direction, I’m just struggling emotionally. My energy is a daily problem, but today was also an improvement. Monday was garbage. I fared better even from the start of the day and think the same will be true of tomorrow. I will get the result I am looking for with perseverance. I will not be disrupted; I must rebuild the house of ME. Maybe I should start another project page on the blog? It doesn’t need to be praised, it should just happen. I need to execute a pattern, going forward. There are many thoughts on this subject. But it all starts with one good first step, and I feel I earned that tonight. I need to concentrate on getting healthy. One incremental moment to the next. Progress. Patience. Prevail. 

Worked Out Pretty Good

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +3.5

Well remember my pesemism about my two games this week? Turns out it was unfounded. I posted the single highest score ever recorded in my family league. Nearly every position player went for 20. Most more. It was insane. I was wrong on Fiedorowicz but meh, I’m never right on tight ends. Ever. It’s my one great flaw. Had league’s best receiver, 164 yards for Diggs. I had the second best scorer in Le’Veon Bell. 38.7 fantasy points second only to Dallas’ ‘Zeke the freak. So I hit a couple big home runs en route to a historic blowout. I’m in awe of all this good fortune… where is the post championship lull? I was supposed to suck this year, and I’m 7-3 and in the playoffs if the season ended today. Three more games left, I’m still within reach of best record ever at 10-3. It would be quite a feat but it is possible. 

So a good evening tonight with positive results. Much unexpected. Still have some scores to post in the work league but I think I have that one locked down. It would take a pretty otherworldly game from A.J. Green to get that done. Chances are low. So another 2-0 weekend. Not bad I say. 

Tristan and Amanda came over and we all played around for two hours. He and I played chess, and discussed the game and it’s rules. Then we got to playing Final Fantasy X. I have a save game with Nemesis unlocked. Never beat that particular monster, but I have the potential to try. Capturing 10 of everything was a BITCH. 

Anyway, it was fun to have them here. I want them to come over more often now that everything has settled. 

I’m ready for work tomorrow. I feel recharged after some very relaxing alone time. I feel calm and collected. 

Have a good night. 

Eve

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s football eve, and I’m doing fine. I spent some time throwing the Frisbee with Tristan today in Santee. It was refreshing the three of us being there together having fun. He was happy to see me. All in all, very positive. I even invited them over to my house tomorrow during the games. I know that time with him is limited now that Amanda only has occasional custody. We are going to play chess and have fun. Good times will be had.

It’s another night alone here in the apartment and I seem to be doing fine. I had a good session with Margaret today. We talked for more than a therapeutic hour and delved into my solitude issues. I was telling her how hyper-vigilant I am against feeling sad or overly bored. I continue to find ways to distract myself and keep my mind occupied to avoid this, but she suggested that I actually, deliberately concentrate on happy things. She wants me to think about the progress I have made to get here, and the long relationship I have with Amanda, and how I have a steady job and have been stable on my meds for an extended period of time. It’s literally occupying the mind with something good instead of letting it drift to think about something bad by default. I have to force these thoughts into my head to crush the others that come in. It was an innovation I had not come up with on my own. So I’m going to give it a try next time I get to feeling solitary or sad. I think it will totally work.

Well blog, things are going pretty good. It’s a mildly important week in FFL, a week that I am pretty 50 – 50 about. I really am leaning on having some below average performances since the match ups aren’t pointed my way this week. Only a couple have a solid forecast of going off, so who knows. I’m looking for Tyerell Williams, C.J. Fedorowicz and Steffon Diggs to have big days despite being an outside shot to do much in the way of scoring. I expect Gordon to be worth something, and Le’Veon Bell has a tough match up this week. He could easily be stymied all day and I wouldn’t be shocked. I’m hoping a couple of my fliers go off and save the below average output of my powerhouse players. I decided to go 2 QBs in my work league… since it seems everyone else was. So I’m starting Newton and Prescott, who I intent to generate some rushing yardage as well as having stellar days through the air. Both have a sot at a rushing TD as well which would greatly help my cause. My roster in the work league is better then the one I have in the family league. But I’m 6-3 in both leagues right now, but like I said, I could very easily 6-4 in both leagues by this time tomorrow. I’d say 60%/40% I lose both games.

So I don’t have much hope. It would really put the dagger in my cousin if I win and I’m not particularly interested in being the one to do it. I like a competitive race and in her division, she would have a difficult time staying relevant if she loses, with only 4 games left to play. I could afford a loss, but she probably can’t She’d have to win out to stay relevant and even then, 7-6 is no certainty of a playoff berth with a team 2 games up on her in 2nd. So in reality, I’d like it to be competitive to show me if my guesses were correct about certain players, but do I mind losing? Not at all. We’ll just have to see how it goes. Expectations at a record low.

Solitude Process

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +2.5

 

Hello again blog. Well I am living in my new studio, and finally feeling settled. There are no more loose boxes, all pictures are hung, all furniture built and the project of moving in is at last complete. It took the better part of 3 days but it is over. I sit here in the quiet of my new life, and many things come to mind: I’m thinking about the silence, and how it is uninterrupted by conversation and interaction. I am also thinking about how I was planning to occupy myself while I am alone. Subsequently, I began to think about how lonely it is to be alone. While my life has been liberated from a deteriorating situation, I am nevertheless suffering the consequence of solitude. I do much better, it turns out, when I have someone else to talk to. I typically converse all throughout the day, only to (formerly) then come home and socialize with my partner. Now when I come home, I am trying to deal with the reality that for the remainder of this evening, I will only have myself to keep my interest.

Is this a bad thing? No, not really, but it is lonely. When one has been used to always having someone there, It gets hard to be alone because I am unaccustomed to the feeling. For better or worse, I have always attracted a partner in life and had someone else there with me most of the time. Then when those partners left, my parents kept me company while I rebuilt my life. There was always someone there. I was only alone for 8 months or so before I met Amanda after this most recent life collapse. AND while I was by myself I would occasionally become catatonically depressed because of both boredom and loneliness. Amanda was even witness to one of these times as while I was on my own I called her from my 1 bedroom apartment while I had a full-scale meltdown. It’s not good, potentially, but I plan to set a trend in a different way going forward. I want to be a capable individual and I need to be able to stand on my own and not freak out. This is my next challenge to overcome.

I know I am capable of being alone, I just don’t like it at the moment. But that is a culture change I must undergo. I need to be able to be by myself, and entertain myself, or somehow prevent my mind and mood from crumbling into depression. At this current moment, I am occupied by blogging, but that will not always be happening. I must find ways to keep myself from sliding down the hill. I think that tonight will be different from other nights that I have also felt lonely. I am in a much more stable place in my life, and that is something that makes me strong. I might feel bored, yes, but that is survivable. I believe, in time that I will be capable, and ready for long stretches of solitude if need be. Human interaction is healthy, but does not have to be a constant. I was in a mental space where I felt like I had to have that proximity or I would become sad to an unreasonable degree. I know now that I am independent and establishing my identity here in this new place. I still have the knowledge that I am loved by some who are out there living their lives as well, so that is reassuring. I have lots of ways to protect myself from becoming sad. I do not feel sad now, but rather, positive. So there’s one step in the right direction.

Thanks for being a part of my thought process. I’m going to go make dinner now.

Night 2

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Score: +3.5

It’s finally looking like a place where someone is living around here blog. No more boxes on the floor in piles, only a few pictures need hanging and then I’m wholly settled. I spent the day constructing a bookshelf and a stand for my TV. Ok enough summary. 

I’ve been worried about Amanda. She is struggling hard right now, and not getting on top of her situation. It’s not all her fault, as a lot of what she has to do is based on the input of others. Agencies, social workers, doctors and lawyers are all converging on her life and I know she is overwhelmed. I had her over tonight but she could barely eat she was so depressed. She said she needed to go home and have a good cry. I guess that helps, but it doesn’t solve any problems. I’m a fixer, so this situation is tough for me as there is little I can do to help. I extricated myself, which I also feel guilty about. Should I have stayed with her in the apartment to be there with her, even to the bitter end? I don’t think she would have wanted that, but I don’t feel loyal. I feel like I turned and fled when shit hit the fan. I don’t know how to reconcile that guilt. 

I know Amanda has the most difficult challenge of her life ahead of her, and I just want to be able to say I helped her through it. I love her unconditionally, and would never retract that unless I were fundamentally betrayed or cast away. I don’t foresee her leaving me amidst this crisis; I’m a pretty useful person to have around. My real quandary is how to encourage Amanda to be strong in this time of crisis. How can I let her know that if she pushes through this, things will get better in time. She only sees a negative future filled with uncertainty right now, and I don’t know how to change that culture. But can you blame her? The future is scary right now, but that is (arguably) when we must be the strongest. 

I hung some pictures because it was bugging me that I said I had that left to do and I was sitting here blogging and perfectly capable of hanging several of them. Mr. Project. I’m really excited about living here, on my own again. I needed to be independent right now, and to lift my head out of the clouds. Things were becoming indiscernible. 

My hope is that Amanda addresses things one at a time, and comes to a healthy schedule of accomplishing mandatory tasks gradually. Today’s meltdown was due to her mom, who is a psychopathic anxiety head-case. Undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and paranoia for decades. So she’s not a great person to talk to when one is in a crisis. She tends to dramatize and inflate. These actions sent Amanda to the bad place today. She never responded to my text messages after she got home. I’m sad. 

I have hope, however, that eventually she will be out from under all of this mess and on to living a life she deserves. This is not the life she should be living. Not at all. I know we can get her to a better place. Perseverance. I will not give up on her. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. There will be much watching of football and family time. I’m tired. Today was eventful, and now I can say that I am 98% complete setting up my new life. I worked hard to get here, and now I get to enjoy the spoils. 

Many things on my mind tonight. I feel pretty useful living on my own, but utterly useless when I am with Amanda. That sucks. I wish my life wasn’t so starkly contrasted. I need to restore balance. 

Well, goodnight. 

Settling

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Score: +3

Well the move is essentially over. I’m in my new studio apartment sleeping on my bed that has been in storage for a year plus. Finally, the dust is settling. It was a brutal stretch there early in the week; I even had a colonoscopy on Monday. On that note, I’ve been on this kick to try and get myself healthy, starting with a screening for cancer. It is the main killer on both sides of my family. I had polyps but they removed them and will biopsy. Hopefully they’re not cancerous. 

But seriously, I’m doing much better now that the move is over. It was hard work and very stressful. I’m glad we are done with that stage. Don’t misinterpret my situation; I’m still seeing Amanda, and we have not broken up. We just realized that her life is imploding and mine would have gone along with it if I had stayed living with her. She’s in deep transition, and hopefully there will be relief for her soon. Her disability case is strong, and she is also filing for bankruptcy. I’m helping her as often as I can, and that is a stabalizing force in her life. 

We seem to be bonding better amidst all the strife, on the bright side. 

So transition time and time spent living on my parent’s couch are over. On to this new phase where I live independently and openly. I meet my own budget, I am responsible for only my own shit. I progress through life on my own terms. Things are really looking up. 

My kitchen. Cuties on the counter. 

Need to hang that native art and get a TV stand tomorrow. 

Still have some unpacking to do. The bag behind the couch is my PlayStation 2. 


Bathroom, with my pill organizer on the vanity counter. 

Still missing a bookshelf so I can unpack the few boxes I have left at the foot of my bed, clearly. But other than that, everything is in place. This is my studio, in beautiful Mt. Helix, with a view of all of eastern San Diego county. I’m truly fortunate to have such a place to live, in a multi-unit property with only 1 other rented space in my area (above me). AND those tenants are awesome, genuinely nice people. Couldn’t ask for more. 

Hope you have a good night blog. I am.