Score: +3

I had Amanda for a little bit in the morning, but then she went home to be with her son. So I have been here in my apartment doing chores and watching science channel. I’m trying to isolate myself today and most of tomorrow because this is a good chance for me to cope with my emotions when I am by myself. This is necessary for my mental health, as I have explained in previous posts. 

So far the experiment is a success. I’m dealing. Entertaining myself. Doing responsible things. It has been nominal so far. I must say I do get bored easily. I have a pretty rad game of Bookworm going right now. Highest score I can remember having. 

I’m also not giving a shit about fantasy football. I’m tired of the feeling I’m getting from it. I’m not going to my parent’s place tomorrow to watch RedZone channel. I’m not spending much time watching the games at home. I’m not going to have my hot hand on my team’s scorecard. I just don’t want to care right now. I’m frustrated, and done feeling that way. I have a lot of good shit going for me right now. I’m established. I’m financially secure. I’m starting a month of training coming up here on Monday. I don’t need the stress of fantasy football invading that. I can sense when something has become destructive. 

Tomorrow I need to get food. A minimal amount that will keep me nourished for the next week. I’ve got a slog ahead of me. But I think I can do it. All my expenses were addressed, so what’s left can just be for food. 

I’m just trying to survive right now. Things are positive though, at least in my world. Tomorrow Amanda, Tristan and I will all be at the park hopefully throwing the frisbee. It’s rainy right now though. So maybe that plan will be scrapped. Either way, we will be spending time together. That will be good. 


Poised To Shift

Score: +2.5

I got to work from home today which I was happy about. Amanda had another ECT as well. She said she felt better after. 

She’s here with me tonight as a matter of fact. It’s much nicer having someone to sleep next to. The magic warmth of their presence soothes and sedates. 

I have to make 80 dollars last two weeks. I don’t know how I’m going to pull that off. But I have to. I think I know what I’m going to do, and tough times are ahead. Can’t pick up my meds so running out of Buspar is imminent. But of my meds, it’s easily the least important. 

It’s the end of the week. My brain is mush. Next week I’m back in the classroom. So much fun. I can’t wait. 

I feel a little strung out, but otherwise good. Walking a tightrope. Trying to stay alive out here spinning off on my own. 

I’m watching that National Geographic Channel show Mars, where they contrast a fictional story of people actually going to the red planet with examples of modern innovation which could lead to our eventual journey there. It’s interesting, because this is something I may actually see in my lifetime. The first people to set foot on another world. A true benchmark moment for human civilization. I didn’t get to see humans walk on the moon, but Mars is a bigger prize. How unreal that would be. 

Well Amanda crashed out early. I’m not ready to go to sleep yet but here I am in bed. Talking to you. 

Ok. Im going to go play Bookworm. Have a good evening. 

Week 12

It’s a pivotal week in the family league. The playoff push is well underway, but now it’s time to seal the deal. I need to win my last two games and hit the postseason with the same record I had last year. Pretty shocking considering I won the championship in 2015. 

Anyway, my gambles are WR and RB. I’m starting L. Bell, M. Gordon and D. Martin. Doug is the one I’m worried about, considering he has to run against a good Seattle defense and there’s no certainty he will have much space to rumble. I need a solid 20 out of him like I got last week. WR is another story. I have two slots for three recivers: S. Diggs, D. Thomas and J. Edelman. Right now Edelman and Thomas are in with the idea that because this is PPR they look like higher-floor options. Diggs is hurt right now and not practicing so he’s no lock for Sunday at all. He let me down last week too. 

Projections have me very far above average but I never believe them. They have limited relevance. I just look at my matchups, which I like, and hope his aren’t better. It’s the commissioner of the league I’m playing this week, and I need to avenge the ass kicking I received at our first meeting. 

For defense I had a choice between Baltimore at home vs Cincinnati, or Green Bay at Philly on a Monday night. I like Baltimore better because Cincinnati just lost 46% of their offense to injury and that will lower the point scoring potential. Baltimore needs a redemption game after last weeks debacle, and I think they will get it. 

So the future looks better than it did last week, but this team I’m going up against is damn good. They are in first for a good reason. I just hope for another above average day and a W if I can get it. 


Score: +3

Today was pretty rock solid. I got a ton of stuff done and got to work the last two hours from home. My job is super flexible like that. It was above average today. So I’m happy about that. 

Really though, I’m just trying to be ok… specifically now that I am alone here in my apartment. I need to be able to just be here and prosper in the silence. I have been doing really good with exercise. I’m up to 1.5 miles a day on the elliptical and I’ve put well over 50 on the odometer. My diet could use improving, but that’s mainly to do with me being broke. But payday is tomorrow. This is going to be a tight squeeze this month. But overall, I’m just thinking out loud here in the quiet. I have traditionally struggled in these situations, but as of now I seem to be doing fine. I think I’m going to cope by writing a lot. 

Yes, I’m doing pretty good. I need to be the strong one right now. One day, she will rise up and become who she is inside. It’s a day I am looking forward to immensely. She deserves to be free of the suffering. An artist needs a life dedicated to creativity, and free of stress. I know we are on the road that leads there. Someday soon. 

Well I lost like I said I would last night. Odds were not in my favor. This week looks promising though. Lots of scoring potential. I eagerly await the first three on thanksgiving. 

Have a good night blog. I’m already kinda sleepy, and the sun is still up. Bah. 

Surprisingly Springy

Score: +3

So it was a Monday after a fun weekend. Amanda even spent the night, however, this meant we were both up and at ’em today at 4:00. She wanted to not be alone so it was worth it. She’s been having a rough go of it. Really fighting for her rights. She has a good shot at getting what she’s looking for. But we’re not there yet. 

Life in general has somewhat stabilized. I’m going to be writing my first rent check in a few days. So that’s good. It helps also that I will have the money. Indeed. I’m just going to keep plugging away and expanding the department. I’m doing good in all three phases right now. I’m helping Amanda as much as I can. Doing the best I am able to hold it all together myself. I was in a low spot only a few days ago. But I survived it, and got back in track. And good thing to since it was a busy Monday. But I was springy this morning, meaning that I had good energy right from the start. 

I’m trying to establish a good pattern. I think things are much better now. 

In FFL my win is Michael Crabtree and 13 or more points. Chances of that happening, really really low. So it looks more like a 1-1 week instead of a 2-0. I was on a four game win streak which I will be sad to see be broken, if indeed Crabtree is bottled up all night. Houston’s pass defense is no joke, but one of the two wideouts is going to get more targets, and who is still a mystery. So it is possible that Crabtree is the one getting open, but less likely considering his competition, Cooper. Anything is possible in football. But football bends to no man’s will. And I have learned over time to expect more often the cruel butt cheek of dashed dreams rather that the beacon of hope and joy that is miraculous victory. I stopped hoping after I lost that third championship by 1.5 fantasy points. Then I got real and said, “not only does it not mind if you lose, but will gladly give you a shove on your way down into ruin.” So I stopped letting it get over on me, and it has truly crushed my desire to hope for a fantasy football outcome forever. So tonight is about living with the reality of 7-4, and a demotion to fourth place. Not terrible, but not headed in the right direction. Tomorrow will be Tuesday, and life will go on. The end. 

Week 11

So it’s getting closer to the end of the fantasy football season, and in the league where it counts I’m in 3rd place, and in (for now). Last year I went 9-2 and lost my last two. This year I’m 7-3 with three games to go and, like I said, it is within the realm of possibility that I would set my all time best record mark, adding that to my accomplishment of the 2nd highest single game score in league history (6 seasons) already this year. I was not expecting to make the playoffs drafting 8th, and still may not if I lose my next three. But regardless, my team is pretty good. They’ve propelled me to four straight wins with some bigtime scores. Although my game with David was decided in my favor by .3 points. It’s been that kind of season. I only cost myself one game so far to making moves right before kickoff. Left the win on my bench. This is why I preach the gospel of “don’t overthink it.” It’s worked wonders for me. Got me two championships last year. 

I’m hoping that somehow Crabtree gets a good matchup that Carr can exploit all day. That’s a tough secondary, but the Raiders are good. That’s a fact. Hopefully it’s not all about Oakland running the ball like it was before the bye. Luckily he was on my bench. In both leagues. 

The work league I don’t pay much mind to, as 3 teams don’t play. 7-3 there with weaker wide receivers but stronger running backs. Had been peddling 4 RBs most weeks. Just now flopped over to two QB. I figured, Dak and Cam? What could go wrong? Both have good motivation to play their guts out, and that’s just the sort of motivation I mean to capitalize on. Determined players don’t go down on first contact, they keep chugging. They move the fucking pile. Or like Bell, wait till the linebackers suck up to the line of scrimmage then bounce a fatty to the outside. 25 yards, just like that. Boy is he fun to watch. 

Anyway. This week at work I play a derelict team without a full starting lineup. Ian the quitter/cheater did not come back after losing to yours truly in the championship. So he let his team drift like plastic in the ocean. In the family/money league, I go against the 8th place team, of which there is still a strong possibility that I will lose. We both have good matchups this week, but some of his look like they could explode. Anyway, I’m still a constant skeptic. I’ve seen some pretty remarkable things in my time. It’s never over until is OVER. Q4 00:00. That’s when you can have your champagne. 

Tuesday Thoughtstream

Score: +1.5

I have a significant energy problem, as indicated by today’s score. I seem to be falling into a trough. Maybe some determination is an order? While I agree, it won’t bring core energy back, but I think an inspiring diet and exercise will. But those take time, and dedication before profits are earned. However, I’m tired of the way I feel; I’m motivated to do something about it. I have the resources at my disposal to achieve success. I have already started in a positive direction, I’m just struggling emotionally. My energy is a daily problem, but today was also an improvement. Monday was garbage. I fared better even from the start of the day and think the same will be true of tomorrow. I will get the result I am looking for with perseverance. I will not be disrupted; I must rebuild the house of ME. Maybe I should start another project page on the blog? It doesn’t need to be praised, it should just happen. I need to execute a pattern, going forward. There are many thoughts on this subject. But it all starts with one good first step, and I feel I earned that tonight. I need to concentrate on getting healthy. One incremental moment to the next. Progress. Patience. Prevail.