It’s finally looking like a place where someone is living around here blog. No more boxes on the floor in piles, only a few pictures need hanging and then I’m wholly settled. I spent the day constructing a bookshelf and a stand for my TV. Ok enough summary.
I’ve been worried about Amanda. She is struggling hard right now, and not getting on top of her situation. It’s not all her fault, as a lot of what she has to do is based on the input of others. Agencies, social workers, doctors and lawyers are all converging on her life and I know she is overwhelmed. I had her over tonight but she could barely eat she was so depressed. She said she needed to go home and have a good cry. I guess that helps, but it doesn’t solve any problems. I’m a fixer, so this situation is tough for me as there is little I can do to help. I extricated myself, which I also feel guilty about. Should I have stayed with her in the apartment to be there with her, even to the bitter end? I don’t think she would have wanted that, but I don’t feel loyal. I feel like I turned and fled when shit hit the fan. I don’t know how to reconcile that guilt.
I know Amanda has the most difficult challenge of her life ahead of her, and I just want to be able to say I helped her through it. I love her unconditionally, and would never retract that unless I were fundamentally betrayed or cast away. I don’t foresee her leaving me amidst this crisis; I’m a pretty useful person to have around. My real quandary is how to encourage Amanda to be strong in this time of crisis. How can I let her know that if she pushes through this, things will get better in time. She only sees a negative future filled with uncertainty right now, and I don’t know how to change that culture. But can you blame her? The future is scary right now, but that is (arguably) when we must be the strongest.
I hung some pictures because it was bugging me that I said I had that left to do and I was sitting here blogging and perfectly capable of hanging several of them. Mr. Project. I’m really excited about living here, on my own again. I needed to be independent right now, and to lift my head out of the clouds. Things were becoming indiscernible.
My hope is that Amanda addresses things one at a time, and comes to a healthy schedule of accomplishing mandatory tasks gradually. Today’s meltdown was due to her mom, who is a psychopathic anxiety head-case. Undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and paranoia for decades. So she’s not a great person to talk to when one is in a crisis. She tends to dramatize and inflate. These actions sent Amanda to the bad place today. She never responded to my text messages after she got home. I’m sad.
I have hope, however, that eventually she will be out from under all of this mess and on to living a life she deserves. This is not the life she should be living. Not at all. I know we can get her to a better place. Perseverance. I will not give up on her.
Tomorrow is Sunday. There will be much watching of football and family time. I’m tired. Today was eventful, and now I can say that I am 98% complete setting up my new life. I worked hard to get here, and now I get to enjoy the spoils.
Many things on my mind tonight. I feel pretty useful living on my own, but utterly useless when I am with Amanda. That sucks. I wish my life wasn’t so starkly contrasted. I need to restore balance.