Solitude Process

Score: +2.5


Hello again blog. Well I am living in my new studio, and finally feeling settled. There are no more loose boxes, all pictures are hung, all furniture built and the project of moving in is at last complete. It took the better part of 3 days but it is over. I sit here in the quiet of my new life, and many things come to mind: I’m thinking about the silence, and how it is uninterrupted by conversation and interaction. I am also thinking about how I was planning to occupy myself while I am alone. Subsequently, I began to think about how lonely it is to be alone. While my life has been liberated from a deteriorating situation, I am nevertheless suffering the consequence of solitude. I do much better, it turns out, when I have someone else to talk to. I typically converse all throughout the day, only to (formerly) then come home and socialize with my partner. Now when I come home, I am trying to deal with the reality that for the remainder of this evening, I will only have myself to keep my interest.

Is this a bad thing? No, not really, but it is lonely. When one has been used to always having someone there, It gets hard to be alone because I am unaccustomed to the feeling. For better or worse, I have always attracted a partner in life and had someone else there with me most of the time. Then when those partners left, my parents kept me company while I rebuilt my life. There was always someone there. I was only alone for 8 months or so before I met Amanda after this most recent life collapse. AND while I was by myself I would occasionally become catatonically depressed because of both boredom and loneliness. Amanda was even witness to one of these times as while I was on my own I called her from my 1 bedroom apartment while I had a full-scale meltdown. It’s not good, potentially, but I plan to set a trend in a different way going forward. I want to be a capable individual and I need to be able to stand on my own and not freak out. This is my next challenge to overcome.

I know I am capable of being alone, I just don’t like it at the moment. But that is a culture change I must undergo. I need to be able to be by myself, and entertain myself, or somehow prevent my mind and mood from crumbling into depression. At this current moment, I am occupied by blogging, but that will not always be happening. I must find ways to keep myself from sliding down the hill. I think that tonight will be different from other nights that I have also felt lonely. I am in a much more stable place in my life, and that is something that makes me strong. I might feel bored, yes, but that is survivable. I believe, in time that I will be capable, and ready for long stretches of solitude if need be. Human interaction is healthy, but does not have to be a constant. I was in a mental space where I felt like I had to have that proximity or I would become sad to an unreasonable degree. I know now that I am independent and establishing my identity here in this new place. I still have the knowledge that I am loved by some who are out there living their lives as well, so that is reassuring. I have lots of ways to protect myself from becoming sad. I do not feel sad now, but rather, positive. So there’s one step in the right direction.

Thanks for being a part of my thought process. I’m going to go make dinner now.