So now I am in the post season in both leagues. In the family league, its championship time. I’m in, but I lost Gordon right in the home stretch so I’m basically fucked. I needed him back this week against Cleveland. So I’m going to lose out on a huge chunk that I need to build a lead. I barely survived round 1. I’m not going to get lucky twice in the same season. It’s not even a remote possibility that my scrubs will post a higher score than his. He has New England’s defense and that one is sure to go off. He also has Tom Brady, Tod Gurley with a juicy match up, Thomas Rawls, Jordy Nelson. I could go on. Justin Tucker. Ok. So I have to climb over some ridiculous average scores. I have no one that competes with them by position with the exception of Bell. My TE has been a disaster all year. I’m making a move this week for one because I don’t trust Ebron anymore. My WR position doesn’t consistently produce for PPR the way I had hoped. Crabtree has dropped 17 passes. So far. And I’m probably stuck starting him this week. He and his drops. Dropped balls in the championship are killer, and could cost you the crown. No doubt. It’s happened to me before. 

I give my logical effort to play the lineup I think will do the best, and just let it go. I’ve won before. I know how great that is. I had an inkling I would win last year but stayed humble. Now I’m sure I will be eliminated I feel somewhat liberated from pressure. I feel like I should strive to win while knowing that goal may not be achievable. When the ratios are aligned against you, victory is long gone. I am thinking there is a 10% chance I will win after having looked over the two weeks we play. He has just st so many choice matchups, and I’m missing out on one of my best. My best is probably done for the season. I realize the reality of my situation, and we are moving on. I’m being very Klingon about all this. “Perhaps today IS a good day to die!”

At work my lineup is stronger. I’m in the semifinals. I have little concern for the work league to be honest. I can’t beat Tony no matter how hard I try. I’ve thrown everything at him to no avail. Will he go 4-0 against me? Last time this happened, I went 3-0 against him but lost in the championship. It may well shape up to that very scenario, but not end the same way. I think he will thoroughly kick my ass with his super-team if I get past the first round. Tubby has no shot. Points aren’t there. Joseph (my opponent) has taken some hits. His lineup has been underperforming, but then again, so has mine. Mine even to a more severe extent I contend. So I may be out by the conclusion of Sunday. Christmas Day playoff elimination doubleheader. 

In truth, I’ve been only using football as a crutch. I have just had no other things I was doing rather than football. Recently I started gaming again. I’ve been exercising. I’m trying to diversify. So yeah I’m playing this year, but I’m not committed to it as I have been in the past. There’s just so much going on right now. And I get to be with family this weekend and Amanda too. Christmas is almost here. I’m being buried alive in debt. I’m alive. The world is going on all around me. I want to be a part of life. I don’t really have much concern about football right now. Survival is the priority. Things are improving. Goodnight. 


Score: +2

Well blog, training is over and it’s time to get back to the other part of my job. I am truly exhausted having crossed the finish line intact. My guys got the knowledge they need to succeed, now I just hope they can implement it. I will be listening and helping all the while. 

In my personal life, things have been changing all around me. Amanda has taken in a homeless friend and her son. I think this has been both good and potentially bad. The friend helps out with groceries and promised to pay rent, but Amanda can’t have anyone move in. However, the friend is also a potentially destructive person and where she goes, drama goes along too. So far, Amanda has steered clear of bad friend. She deals with good friend currently. I just hope Amanda gets stable with or without friend. We shall see. 

I just wish I had more energy. I stopped the Buspar. I don’t think it was actually doing anything. I have noticed zero change in anxiety levels. I’m generally the boss of my anxiety these days. So why buy the medication if it no longer provides benefit? My anxiety was never truly the main mental health symptom I experience. Depression and psychosis take that hands down. Anxiety is a small part of the whole thing. Contributor to bigger problems, mind you, so not insignificant. I think the stability is due in part to the Geodon and Lithium. The Welbutrin helps some, but I’ve also taken that drug for a REALLY long time, and has no doubt diminished in potency. Even though I’m on a crazy dose of the shit. More than prescribed max dose. And no one is helping Seretonin. Every SSRI or SSNRI I try I fail on. Things look good at first, but after a couple years, it all goes to shit. It happened to me 3 different times and nearly cost me everything twice. So I don’t know why we don’t try SOMETHING for Seretonin. I have been feeling strong, but very bland. I lack zip. I used to have zip, but I’m more like blop these days. I need to think about all the meds again coming up in early January. I highly doubt any changes will be made. I’m not in crisis. 

My mom though, she needs to go get her meds evaluated. I had an intervention with her the other night. I really put it all out there. She needs to start the process and get an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as possible and have her meds evaluated by a professional. She needs to rebuild her mental health, which has become a bit dilapidated. I wasn’t going to sit by and watch her down spiral. My duty as a son will not allow me to stand by and see the matriarch in peril without taking action. Not to mention the fact that  we mentally ill people have a bond to each other to help, since only we truly know what it is like to suffer as we so uniquely do. I stepped in and told my mom just how important she was to us all and how much we (my dad and I) love her. I had some advice about how to reframe her expectations to avoid constantly disappointing herself. Reality is not what you’d like it to be. It’s more like being surprised by the contingency you were least prepared for. Sometimes it’s a rock solid gut shot that takes you down to one knee, but that’s the way it goes. You can either roll over and die or you can get up and ask for another. I’m not letting anyone on my team surrender. I’m going to do everything I can to help my mom and Amanda, each with their own unique struggle. I have the strength to give, just not the money to make much of a logistical difference. Sadly. 

But things are changing all the time. The future remains unwritten. I am just going to keep on pushing my life forward. I’m doing ok. Overall. Night. 

Waking Up Is A Bitch

Score: +2.5

Boy was it hard to get going today. I think it is fortuitous that my cannabis supply would be running out as well now, since I believe it contributes to the sluggishness. I will experiment with sobriety and see if my mornings improve. 

Overall though, I’m more than half way done with training and things are looking good. My guys are really getting the material and I think they are showing signs of unexpected excellence. I’m proud of how far they’ve come. They’re just a couple weeks away from taking live calls. I’m feeling the strain of the taxing schedule I’m on. No breaks, no downtime, all work for 9 hours a day, five days a week for four weeks. My voice has held up remarkably well considering I was thinking it would have been toast by now. I’m happy to not have that be an issue. 

I must tell you that I watched the second to last episode of Mars, and I was a bit shaken by the ending. **SPOILER ALERT** I can’t imagine a more horrible way to die than to die of exposure to the Martian atmosphere. Probably right up there with being exposed to the vacuum of outer space. Truly horrific. Seven people die as the airlock is intentionally blown out. I don’t know how the program can recover, but they must if the dream of Mars is to be kept alive. I would very much hope in my lifetime to see people standing on the surface of another planet. What a monumental moment for our civilization. Now, no one extinction event can end human life forever. Our survival as a species hinges on our ability to become interstellar. If it’s not a priority now it will be when Earth starts to become unusable (as we seem so intent on doing). Enough Mars rant. 

I’m doing ok. Amanda is now contemplating going back to work. Frankly, unless she wants to be homeless, she has no choice. The money from disability is a long ways off yet. So she needs to start earning an income to gain control. I do believe she is only working temporarily until her disability is active. 

Also, we met a doctor from the local TMS facility where they use electromagnetic fields to cause stimulation to very specific areas of the brain to create activity where there was none. Eventually, the brain learns to generate the activity on its own, resulting in permanent change. It’s everything ECT promised to be without the anesthesia, seizures and brain damage. I think this is our best shot at finding her a permanent solution to her depression. One that is clinically tested and proven. She’s skeptical. I don’t blame her though. We’ve heard promises before. 

But she and I are still together. We are strong. She comes over weekly and we talk every day. Repeatedly. We still have a good bond despite all this monkey shit. 

Well I’m off to bed. Have a good night. 

Last-Minute Happies

Score: +2

It was a slow day preceded by me vomiting. Not a great activity for 2:45 am. So I was up way too fucking early. I drove to work and proceeded to line myself up for a 9.5 hour day. Pretty stupid. Plus I also was tired and felt really dead. It was not a great day. I was in on this timer meeting which was largely over my head but I took a ton of notes nonetheless. I’m hopeful that Tuesday doesn’t start with barf and end with me feeling pooped. But even though I felt bad, I still did my mile. I had gotten out of form, so it was more challenging than it should have been. Bah. New day tomorrow. 

Like I had mentioned in previous posts, the FFL season is winding to a close. I gained a 23 point advantage in game 1 of 2 in the first round of the playoffs. I also narrowly squeaked out a victory in the work league by a razor thin margin. Literally won it on a meaningless 8 yard pass play to Edelman with only a few minutes left. Fluky. But I’m glad to have the win and not a narrow defeat. It’s largely irrelevant anyway in that league. 

I’m tired and going to bed. There’s all sorts of other things going on, but I’m in no place to dive into them. My mental state is south of reasonable. Goodnight for now. 

Top Score

It’s nearing the end of NFL Sunday and I’m still quite undecided as to my FFL fate. I have opposing players going tonight that greatly concern me. Namely Zeeke Elliot. He could go for 200 like it was nothing. So if he does, I’m sunk. If he is mediocre, I might just build a strong lead headed into game 2 of round 1. I lead in both leagues, both with Edelman going Monday night as insurance. I really hope this works out. Why all of a sudden? Because I would be riding on the back of the single greatest player performance of the year. Le’Veon Bell’s line today: 38 carries, 236 yards rushing, three rushing touchdowns, four catches, 64 receiving yards. 61 fantasy points. Record setting performance, one for the ages. Nearly 300 yards of offense. Unbelievable. So I lost Gordon today too. Bell helps augment my suffering. I hear that the injury is not severe, so hopefully he gets back to cutting and sprinting soon. Only 3 games left in the season. I have no one I can replace him with who has a chance at his volume. But Martin should fill in at least for next week. I’m tired of betting on wide receivers. Fucking impossible. I can’t guess for shit on right ends either. I’ve got to have the lowest output from the TE slot in the entire league this season. I have little doubt. But anyway. Wish me luck. 

The Playoffs!!!

It’s getting down to the last 4 weeks of the regular season and fantasy football 2016 is coming to a close. Despite my low expectations, I have once again clinched the playoffs for the fourth year in a row. In the family league the playoffs have begun and I finished the season with an 8-5 record. Each playoff round in the family league lasts two weeks, so it’s significantly more difficult to achieve victory since your foe gets two chances to knock you down. Winning 4 weeks in a row to clinch the championship is precisely what I did last year, but I have about a 15% probability of repeating that feat. My wide receivers are substandard… but I have a strong ground game, which has carried me this far. I need exemplary performances from below-average players in order to advance, and that is asking an awful lot from the fantasy football gods. The gods have rarely been forgiving, but sometimes they are. Either way, I don’t think I have much shot at it in the family league.

In the work league, the regular season is still trucking right along and into next week as well. We play 1 week per round and we most certainly play week 17. No football is omitted regardless of status of starting players. Good fantasy football is built around two skills: ability to select talent during the draft and ability to see talent on the free agent market and capitalize with waiver moves. So making some last minute streaming waiver transactions is exactly what fantasy football is about, and we should all be capable of assessing free agent talent based on matchups (at least). Therefore, making waiver substitutions for starting players on week 17 is business as usual, and even more of a challenge to overcome to achieve victory. I likes me a good challenge. Both my leagues play on week 17 during the most critical game of the season. High stakes, high risk, huge reward.

At work I’m 9-4 and have clinched a playoff spot (currently in 3rd place). I was in first place last year in both leagues heading into the playoffs. I’m thinking I have a real shot at the championship again at work. My running game is fucking stellar, and my wide receivers are at least mediocre. I have a soft schedule in the matchup department for several players, including my two biggest point scorers (Gordon and Bell) facing at least two bottom 10 defenses in the last 4 weeks of the season. Right when I will need a big performance most I have the highest likelihood of getting one… or at least, that’s the theory. I have big matchups mostly week 16, but a couple that carry over into week 17. In the family league (the one I particularly would like to win), a big performance week 16 could provide me with enough cushion to secure it even mid way through week 17 (unless I were to seriously implode week 17 [<— very possible]).

But my point is, hey, I just took the crown in both leagues last year, and here I am back in the playoff picture the following season. Above expectation. I had a rock solid draft, have made some dynamite waiver moves, and basically played the same way I did last year: not overthinking it, sticking to the basics and trusting the initial instinctual impulse. It has paid off with a return to relevancy once again. Even in the event that I end up battling for third place, I will still have proven that my victories, and constant presence in the playoffs is no fluke. I really do know what I’m doing. It’s not even as hard as we seem to all think it is. I’m not saying I’m phenomenal by any stretch, but I do have a talent for this.

But the family league this year might be out of reach. I sense an early demise at the hands of a significantly more well armed team. I don’t have the best matchups this week, a lot of stuff that could really go either way. That’s the type that’s hardest to assess, since the factors don’t favor any particular outcome. Those are the matchups that get decided by that initial instinct, and a lot of times they work out for me. Frankly, more often than not. Off waivers, I started Carson Wentz and he put up 20, Jaquizz Rodgers and he put up 154 yards and Steffon Diggs, who put up 13 receptions. I’m keen on things sometimes. But then again, I started Ebron and he goose egged me, and Crabtree hit me once for 3.5 early in the season and again this last week for 6.1. Sigh. Sometimes you knock it out of the park… other times, you whiff like a novice.

Ok blog, you are now caught up on the status of my FFL world. Wish me luck!


Score: +3.5

So I’ve been thinking about my hair, and all of the new ways it has changed my life. I am undecided as to whether there has been improvement in quality of life but, instead, more reflective of the new stimulation it causes via its presence. I have several thoughts on this subject: namely, how it feels to have this much hair is both novel and shocking. I don’t know how women who choose to grow out their hair survive at all. It weighs a ton when wet, and stays wet for a long time even after a vigorous towel scrub. It goes everywhere, all the time, unless forcefully controlled. I spend 35% of my weekends pulling hair out of my mouth. Even under lock and chain, it is always trying to find ways to escape. My hair has many compromising traits because of my unfamiliarity to endure having it so long. This is uncharted ground. I had a rat tail when I was a kid, but my hair now is the real deal. I’ve never ventured THIS far out before. So, naturally, I was caught flat footed against the onslaught of change. 

Subsequently, Amanda thinks I look ok like white Jesus with it wet and draped about my shoulders. Pretty sure Jesus would have had a beard, not a chin-tee. Second, I feel kinda rad being so dedicated to something. I have been stable for going on 3 years, with Amanda for 2 and growing my hair out 1.25. I’m setting little life milestones as I journey to seek ongoing stability. I like working for things, and growing my hair out was something I could work towards. Trust me, being a guy who exclusively shaved his head every 3 months, this was hard. I thought about it. But then, it mattered to Amanda and I like achieving goals. So it worked out. And I have continued to allow the hair to grow, uninhibited, despite primal urges to obliterate it. I will continue to do so until I have met my length goal and then it will be trimmed but not reduced in splendor. I feel quite fabulous with my hair. I feel older too. Somehow. 

I might complain about it, but there are always two sides to every story. It is also great. It can be both without self-destructing. I continue to adjust to untangling knots, but I am still glad I am doing this. Keeping my world replete with distractions is part of the success I’m having. Complacency and boredom are not welcome here. 

There. Hair rant turned into a mental health plug. That’s how you segway,bitch. 



Score: +2.5

Well things got off to a slow start today. I was difficult to motivate, but once I got going my momentum seemed to level off. I did review today in training and had them start transcribing all the handwritten notes they had taken. It was a good summarization of the material in an of itself. They have a couple more hours of that to go for tomorrow. 

Meanwhile I had a slow weekend. I did lots of work, but things seemed to crawl by. I spent what energy I had cleaning, with traces left over for the rest of the day. I didn’t carry anything in reserve on into the week. 

Today was also busy, but for a good cause. I got a tree today, and my mom and I decorated it this afternoon. It’s quite lovely, festive and a good forward look at what Christmas morning at my place will be like. I’m hosting the fam and Amanda. It will be good times of the yes. 

This is me in the dark wrapped up in my sheets looking out. It is a glowing world out there in the cold dark. I think I will leave it on all night. 

This week is going to be good. I can already tell things are headed in a positive direction. No doubt. Now, if only the energy would catch on and provide me with a much needed boost. 

Wow Dude…

Score: +3.5

I have been the instructor the last 5 days, imparting my collected knowledge and inspiring new thinking for nearly six hours straight. It has been very rewarding thus far, if I may initially summarize. I designed a training program to employ multiple methods of learning: I provide hands-on examples for them to work on, images in the slideshow presentations which are labeled and described, and verbal communication where the objective of the discourse is to resolve a problem one might face while on the phones. So I’ve been reciting procedure, showing examples of the equipment we support, explaining how to identify it, detailing how to troubleshoot it, and so on. It is a lot of material, and I need to make it interesting as well. It’s dry content without the pizazz of a truly inspired instructor. They are going to be the best trained new hires this company has ever seen. It’s going to be obvious. I’m really proud of the curriculum I have developed, and these guys are already getting the material. It’s only a matter of time before they really click.

I’ve been so fucking exhausted, every single day. I have done extra bonus helpful shit all week too, with the sole exception of today. So I’ve had a shit-tank low energy rating, but a skyrocketing mental state due to the new exciting thing I get to do at work. I’m feeling the strain between these two things tonight since it’s Friday and I’m about out of gas. It’s a good night to be alone, in the quiet of my paid for apartment. I just cut an $1,150 rent check and I felt proud to write it. I knew I had done a good job to save enough money to make that check happen, and it felt good. I earned that, you know? This is indeed what it costs to be independent, to be free to control your own fate. I am contingent upon no one anymore. I still cherish those I love, even if I do not reside with them. This is not truly necessary, as long as the relationship remains.

I don’t know what the future will hold though. Things unfolding in the world over the next few months will dictate how our lives will change. In more ways than I will be able to cope with, more than likely. Bit that’s the fucking world for you, right? oh, my, are you down? HOW ABOUT A NICE KICK IN THE THROAT?

You can’t live your life in fear, but you have to also be realistic. Don’t life in a delusion where you are just hoping everything is going to work out. That’s not the the reality of the entropic world we live in. Decay is the master, not growth. You do the best you can to fight against it for as long as possible but eventually it wears you down and reduces you to dust. It’s hard to fight every day, but that’s what makes me proud, and should make us all proud, in our own capacities and potentials. I, personally, only get a short time to be here, and I’m going to try to live it well, and within the limited context of the possible shapes my life could take. I am on an ongoing quest to live a stable and happy life, and that is a difficult thing to achieve. At least, for me.


I’m living the educationally inspired dream! Hope your week was as good as mine!

Woo hoo!