Score: +2

Well blog, training is over and it’s time to get back to the other part of my job. I am truly exhausted having crossed the finish line intact. My guys got the knowledge they need to succeed, now I just hope they can implement it. I will be listening and helping all the while. 

In my personal life, things have been changing all around me. Amanda has taken in a homeless friend and her son. I think this has been both good and potentially bad. The friend helps out with groceries and promised to pay rent, but Amanda can’t have anyone move in. However, the friend is also a potentially destructive person and where she goes, drama goes along too. So far, Amanda has steered clear of bad friend. She deals with good friend currently. I just hope Amanda gets stable with or without friend. We shall see. 

I just wish I had more energy. I stopped the Buspar. I don’t think it was actually doing anything. I have noticed zero change in anxiety levels. I’m generally the boss of my anxiety these days. So why buy the medication if it no longer provides benefit? My anxiety was never truly the main mental health symptom I experience. Depression and psychosis take that hands down. Anxiety is a small part of the whole thing. Contributor to bigger problems, mind you, so not insignificant. I think the stability is due in part to the Geodon and Lithium. The Welbutrin helps some, but I’ve also taken that drug for a REALLY long time, and has no doubt diminished in potency. Even though I’m on a crazy dose of the shit. More than prescribed max dose. And no one is helping Seretonin. Every SSRI or SSNRI I try I fail on. Things look good at first, but after a couple years, it all goes to shit. It happened to me 3 different times and nearly cost me everything twice. So I don’t know why we don’t try SOMETHING for Seretonin. I have been feeling strong, but very bland. I lack zip. I used to have zip, but I’m more like blop these days. I need to think about all the meds again coming up in early January. I highly doubt any changes will be made. I’m not in crisis. 

My mom though, she needs to go get her meds evaluated. I had an intervention with her the other night. I really put it all out there. She needs to start the process and get an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as possible and have her meds evaluated by a professional. She needs to rebuild her mental health, which has become a bit dilapidated. I wasn’t going to sit by and watch her down spiral. My duty as a son will not allow me to stand by and see the matriarch in peril without taking action. Not to mention the fact that  we mentally ill people have a bond to each other to help, since only we truly know what it is like to suffer as we so uniquely do. I stepped in and told my mom just how important she was to us all and how much we (my dad and I) love her. I had some advice about how to reframe her expectations to avoid constantly disappointing herself. Reality is not what you’d like it to be. It’s more like being surprised by the contingency you were least prepared for. Sometimes it’s a rock solid gut shot that takes you down to one knee, but that’s the way it goes. You can either roll over and die or you can get up and ask for another. I’m not letting anyone on my team surrender. I’m going to do everything I can to help my mom and Amanda, each with their own unique struggle. I have the strength to give, just not the money to make much of a logistical difference. Sadly. 

But things are changing all the time. The future remains unwritten. I am just going to keep on pushing my life forward. I’m doing ok. Overall. Night.