Monthly Archives: January 2017

New

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It’s a new day tomorrow, and a chance to go out there and get it right. I had a good day today, but tomorrow will be better. I will be rested, strong and confident as I go through my shift. Anything is possible. What lies ahead is just one big question mark. I have my intentions, and maybe they will be responded to. 

I have hope blog. Hope that new things are coming that will yet again change the world. The best we can do is grab on and try not to fall off. What the future holds, I do not know, but my doors are open to what’s out there. 

Bingo

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Aaaaaaand I was right about feeling like things were going in the right direction. Woke up this morning feeling fresh, got to work by 5:00, and stayed until the very last minute. I had the nagging voice in my head telling me to work from home and leave early, blah bla bla. Today though, I paid that voice little mind and went on about my business. I had a solid shift, and tomorrow I send out a report that is going to make some ripples in the water. When upper management sees it, action may be necessary. Who knows, because the report itself is not to blame. The report only reports the facts. The facts are to blame! 

So anyway… I’m talking with Amanda still. I haven’t just stopped loving her. And now we’re friends. And maybe that’s the best place for us. She said herself that she wanted to get her life figured out on her own. I’m certainly willing to give her the space to do that. And we may well end up staying friends for good with no return to a relationship. Her life is headed in such a positive direction. Her time with Kasey is a blip compared to the great things she is doing. Her art is starting to become a career, just as steady disability income is on the way. She could land somewhere on her own, in her own private art studio, living off sales from her work and disability. That’s the kind of life I would have hoped for her, one where she is pursuing her creativity and her dreams, while being financially secure. So Amanda is on the verge of a big rise. 

Me though, I’m still exploring my options. I have my feelers out there. I’m going to try Match for 6 months. If nothing, then I’ll abandon the effort and go with Meetup groups. Once I get in better shape, I could go hiking. There are plenty of meetups that may fit. 

Blog, things are headed up for Amanda and I. My steps are more inconsequential, but have helped boost my energy. Hers are epic. I just hope things fall together soon. She needs a place to be on her own and individuate. 

Right Start

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Ok blog, tomorrow is Monday and I typically struggle to get going in the mornings. Albeit, my alarm goes off at 4:15 am, but I should really be used to this by now. I need to rest well, long and hard to wake up refreshed and bushy-tailed. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a great day. 

Like I mentioned earlier, Amanda and I are kinda talking. Not like we used to. Not nearly. But some. More than the zero I had a few days ago. I don’t know what to say to her, she doesn’t take my advice. Maybe it’s just nice knowing there is someone out there who cares. However little there actually is, there is still some. And like I said earlier, some is much better than none. But I don’t know what we have anymore and I don’t know what’s to become of us. 

This weekend I largely took time for me. I did what I needed to do, sprinkled in with what I wanted to do. I smoked a few bowls, played Edain for hours, watched movies and relaxed. It was a great weekend. I know it’s been a good one when I get to the end of it and I’m ready to go back to work. I have that fire to get after it again. That’s exactly what I intend to do. 

A Development

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I engaged Amanda because I had some things of hers and she of mine, and we needed to trade. That uncorked the texting bottle and we were rehashing everything. That got fairly involved, but the outcome was reestablished communications to some degree. We also agreed to be friends, which I think is an encouraging step. It’s better than zero communications with someone I loved right from the start. I think we can still have good conversations about things, so there’s no reason to throw THAT away. I can still disagree about her choices but in a less attached way. This will help keep me less involved in her life, while she takes the time to figure it out. I wasn’t helping anyway, so this really is for the best. 

Blog, I feel a great sense of relief today knowing that I have not lost her for good. We are taking a step apart, but not too far. I’m really happy this happened. 

I’ve got one more day to get through, and then free. I’m so burnt. 

The Promise

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I am going to get headed in the right direction not January 30th like when the project states, but right fucking now. I will not go on living an undisciplined life which has no doubt contributed to my low energy and dissatisfaction. I deserve to feel better than I do, so I will work to improve my situation until things equalize. 

I had a low food intake today AND did a mile on the elliptical. I’m like -300 calories for today. I’m off to a good start. I need to continue that trend, and hold on to the promise of improved energy. I know if I had a more balanced diet I would feel better, it’s pretty much a given. Exercise will help me incrementally each time I do it. Over time, it makes a big difference. This is something I believe I can stick to, as the outcome is vital to my future. I want to be strong and healthy again. 

I am resolved to make a change. I have also given up on the scoring system. It served a purpose while I was not doing so great, but lately I’d doesn’t really serve a purpose anymore. I don’t evaluate the data I collect anymore, so why bother? I’m headed up. Everything thus far has just been some measurement of up. There has been no consistent down, mostly up. So I have the pattern on my side. 

Back To Basics

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That is my new mantra. I will get back to the core of who I am, and what I represent. Like fuzz, animal noises and talking to myself (among other less impractical things). I find I make some pretty insightful commentary, regardless of the subject matter. My point being, this new mantra encapsulates what I’m trying to do both cognitively and physically. 

I started today by resisting temptation and having a good dinner. I’m retiring early hoping to be lulled by the sound of fling rain. Turns out, I got my wish, and a little cell just opened up overhead and it poured for a few blissful minutes. I even stopped blogging to listen. After I continue to resist temptation, I intend to start my exercise again and incrementally increase the difficulty. As time goes on, and I can hold true to a good diet, I should see results. I expect I weigh 225 right now, and my goal is thirty pounds lower. I believe I can do that with diet and exercise alone. 

I really kinda just barfed it all out there with my last post. At the same time, I needed to express it again since there should be no misinterpretation of my actions, by myself or anyone else who may have read.  I am accountable and very open in my processes. This is how I express and understand thoughts and feelings. It’s not interesting material, but it is real and 100% my life. A life I am proud of and won’t be taken for granted in. I have so much to offer, and still a lot to learn. So if my trials and tribulations prove worthy reading, thanks I guess. My process is not a secret, it is a model for success. 

I had a great time gaming this evening. Just getting back to me. It feels really good blog, like I’m on to something positive. I hope to follow this feeling in the days to come, and see where it takes me. 

Open Letter to the Woman I Love(d)

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Dear Amanda, 

I believe we were headed to the point of collapse for a while, but your insistence in making bad choices resulted in my withdrawal from our relationship that occurred a few days ago. I have struggled to provide you with keen insight, motivation and endless caring through your deterioration, but in the end, my words couldn’t help you as you were unwilling to hear them. You chose to surround your frail existence with violently unstable elements, and this I would not stand for. I was fully invested in our future, with the hope that you would step up and fight for your life and get what you deserve. Instead, you were willing to just let things happen to you, rather than take charge of your situation. I can’t abide the attitude of non-involvement when your entire livelihood and future depend on your action (or lack thereof). I endevoured to instill some fight in you, and I believe I largely failed. 

I was able to rebuild my life after losing my apartment, relationship and mental health back in 2013, and I did so with the help of my family, and the willpower in my heart to get back my independent life. I pushed myself to rebuild, starting at first with my mental health, and progressing to a job and a place to live. It wasn’t impossible, but it was very hard. I had to want it badly enough to where making those logistical steps became a reality. If I can do this, so to could you have. I was hindered by my illness the whole way; anxiety and depression were at every turn. But I never gave in, and I never stopped pushing for the life I wanted to live.

Amanda, you can’t honestly tell me you are trying your hardest. I know you are not, and it’s clear based on your actions that you have energy, you just choose to spend it in the wrong places. You don’t have the spark of initiative; you’re not thinking of solutions, only complaining about problems. Your life is mired in a state of being the victim of outside action, which is a powerless and uninspiring place to be. In that way you must feel resigned to your fate, because of your own lack of action and your attitude in stagnation. Nothing is getting any better with you just sitting there. Life is won through effort. What gets dealt to you is never the best you can get, because the best is EARNED. 

This letter would fall on deaf ears if allowed to be read by her, but that’s not why I write. I write to drmonstrate to myself that I did not walk away from Amanda’s life before she did. I was right there even after she had surrendered herself to her poor choices. I tried everything I could to help her, including the consequence of me leaving for good. That didn’t make a difference, as indicated by the state of things today. She would much rather live an easy, no effort life than be pestered by me and my insistence she take control. Now no one is “nagging” her anymore to solve her problems so she is free to be the victim of them. There is nothing at all I respect about that. 

Amanda, you had your chance, and you passed it up. I was willing to fight tooth-and-nail for you, if only you could have demonstrated you were serious about your life. Instead, your life owned you, kicked you to the curb, and left you for dead all while you did next to nothing to stop it. You are content knowing you are going to lose everything and be homeless. I can’t support you if you are going to let those things happen to you. You quit on your life, and forced me to do the same. 

I hope that you are able to rebuild your life some day and be a fully functional and effective person again. You are such a gifted artist, and beautiful too, but your attitude and personality that fosters it make you wholly unappealing. If you could discover a reason to fight for your life again, maybe we could rediscover the future we once had together. There is still a chance for you and I to have a life like we wanted, but only if you own your reality and stop letting it own you. 

For now, I will never forget you, and never let go of the love I had for who you are, and who I thought you were going to be. I treasure your time, and the time I got with your son. I grew to love you both, and that has been taken away from me. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it seems like it is going to be no matter what I wish for. I will hold my heart open in case one day, she comes back. 

Almost There

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I feel like the logical mind has prevailed in my situation. The world is going forward in a new way, regardless of my feelings about it. I have come to a point of swallowing my pain over this and moving on. I feel like I’m headed out of a bad place, and on to a warm blanket of self-compsssion. I really know I tried to make the best out of my relationship, despite its shortcomings. I have no guilt over not giving my all for her. I can’t say she came even close to demonstrating the same courtesy. There were lots of warning signs, but damnit, I wanted to be loved. I needed someone. 

Right now, even if I got a hit on Match, I don’t think I would pursue anything more than a talking buddy. I’m not going to get involved before knowing really deeply, who she is. I must have my standards met. I must have an equal, or no dice. The chances of finding said person are next to zero. There’s no way anyone as brilliant and intuitive as that would want anything to do with me, and my bipolar disorder, and my divorces. I’m damaged goods, which is why I was willing to stick it out with Amanda. She would have me. But then the relationship became too disrupted and sporadic. All signs pointed to termination. 

I’m getting used to being alone at home. I have a nice place, perfect for me, and I do feel at peace here. I’ve been playing Edain and coming up with new strategies. I’m going to be just fine. Things are getting better every day. 

Gone

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It’s the end of my evening. I spent it alone crying and remembering things I’ve lost, and the emptiness of solitude. There’s no one to talk to except you blog. You always listen, even when I’m psychotic. This place has been my mental health coping mechanism since 2012. It has seen me at my highs, and lows, so this moment is no different than others like it I have had. This blog chronicles my failures, and triumphs. Tonight though, it is listening to me be sad about Amanda. I’m reflecting, and I seemed to only make her life more miserable the longer we were together. Her depression got worse, treatments got more severe, and the good things we had in the beginning of our relationship were lost as conditions deteriorated. I have no regrets as I supported her every step of the way. I supported her after countless costly mistakes further compromised her position. I know in my heart I put everything on the line to try and save her, but she wouldn’t hear me. She chose her path away from where the rest of us are headed. Maybe she did associate me with getting more ill. I don’t honestly know how I made her more depressed… like by showering her in love you mean? I think that I couldn’t get through to her because she won’t listen to anybody else tell her what to do. I just regret compromising my scruples to have someone to love again. I should have held firm to my values and standards. I wouldn’t be disappointed now if I had. So, mistakes are learned from. 

I think about the great expanse of solitary life that lies ahead of me. Will I be able to cope? Will I falter? Will I compromise yet again? My mind is churning over things that remain to be seen. Outcomes. Meh. Everything is so unpredictable, you can’t really have expectations. I don’t hope for anything anymore. It’s too painful to be let down after risking so much. I’m tired of feeling heartbroken. I’m resolved to depend on only myself and leave my expectations at home. 

It’s not going to stop me from crying about it though. Resolutions are great, but I’m alone and very sad… there’s no resolution that is going to help me feel normal right now. In the real world, there are consequences for your actions. End a relationship, feel a great deal of pain. Boom. So I’m well prepared to go on this sad journey through my wonderful memories of Amanda. I have many recollections of good times with her son, rememberances of fun nights and long conversations where she really seemed to want to get to know me. Like I said, I don’t regret my relationship, it had many beautiful moments. 

I’m full of contrasts tonight. It’s taking its toll. 

Spun Until Drippy

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Score: +1.5
It’s cold in my apartment since all these storms started rolling in. I’m working on a remedy as I write this. I will probably have heat by tonight, which will make my evenings much more enjoyable. I’m huddled up on my couch with almost no exposed skin and multiple layers. It’s cold. 

But I’m listening to music… this is how I work okay blog? Music has tremendous emotional power. Tremendous. I can be pumped-up or brought to tears from one track to the next. I had several songs of significance in reference to my relationship with Amanda. Those songs all foreshadowed what was happening between us, as was the case when I went through the end with Jax. “Cowboys and Angels” was just one good example. “More Than Words” touched on a thread of contention in our physical relationship. I was here sobbing my way through the lyrics, missing her touch, her smell. It was all being ripped away by my logical mind. But my logical mind has the moral high ground on this one. Theres no victory to be had for sorrow. 

More music, this time “Lovesong” by The Cure. Wow. It’s spot on. It’s a promise I couldn’t keep. I will always love her, I just can’t help her anymore. It is a crushing weight on me every minute since I had to turn my back on her. I feel insanely horrible about it, but it would have meant I would have to change something fundamental about myself and perception of what is right and wrong in order to continue helping her. She walked somewhere I was not willing to follow, so I had to let her go. I miss her. She was a good friend to me for two years. I wanted that life with her. I’m sad she didn’t. Ok I probably shouldn’t blog and cry at the same time. 

Smashed

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“Cowboys and Angels” came on, a song that strongly resembles the dynamic between Amanda and I while we were together. It reminds me acutely of how broken she is. I abandoned her to her own fate. I gave up on her. I’m really the quitter here, aren’t I? Who am I? I don’t want to live on a delusion. I know what I did was the only thing left for me to do. But I feel sick about her alone in the world. She’s in the world somewhere, and I’m not looking out for her anymore. I cried and cried here in front of my laptop as the song made me think of how she was as gone, just like I knew she would be someday. 

Thirty minutes later and I’m crying again. I really wanted to be with the girl I would spend my life with. I wanted to be a role model for her son. I wanted to come home to her smile every day. Now I will probably never see her again. That thought is a dagger in my chest. It cripples me with sadness contemplating her absence from my life. I’m having a hard time logicking my way through this tsunami of sadness. Now I have no one. Now I am not loved by anyone outside of my family. It’s depressing. 

Steady Improvement

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Well it has been a cold, rainy morning and I’ve heard “Clocks” twice in the last three hours, so I know the universe is trying to fuck with me. A day when everything is pushing me towards sadness, I am finding I don’t feel acutely sad. I’m not crushed over this relationship dying. I was when Jax cheated on me, because it largely took me by surprise. This time, I had been contemplating the possibility that my relationship would be ending soon for some time, as warning signs were becoming apparent. I don’t feel guilt or regret, because I know in my heart I tried to do right by her, and get her pointed in a more successful direction (since I believe she deserves to thrive). In the end, she didn’t take my advice and went her own way, which I made clear was not a way I was going to follow her down. She made lots of bad choices and never learned from any of them. She just went forward making more poor choices despite my warnings. I can be a stalwart ally, and she advocate for positive decisions, but only if my partner is willing to invest in fighting up from the bottom (if that’s where we happen to be). I admire people why push back against circumstance. I respect people who don’t give up. I cherish the quality in people that makes them strive for something better. Amanda had none of these. She was willing to take what was dealt and do nothing to improve her lot significantly. She did try, but not enough to earn her life back. Now everything is being taken away from her, and it’s too late to save any of it. I’m sad for her, but she’s not my problem anymore. I don’t have to keep trying to rescue her from her situation. I wasn’t very effective anyway. 

Well blog, I’m coming to a bit of a turning point. I do still really miss her love and conversation, but there’s too much negative now to overcome. I can’t balance things anymore. Now that the equilibrium is gone, I have started to transition on. I am beginning to feel confident, and even started up my page on Match.com again. I’d be willing to go back to that well, though I’m not putting much time into it. It’s more of a personal statement to myself that I have moved on. I am purging my Amanda thoughts and starting my journey into independence. I will undoubtedly meet people along the way, but the priority is still me. 

Well we have no internet here at work so things are stalled. I’m thinking about my life. Introspective time. 

And Then…

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It’s hard going to work knowing I will not have her to talk to. She used to make me feel not so isolated and different from everyone at work. She was someone who knew who I was and loved me. Now I have banished her and I feel pain. I miss her. She was my lover, and my friend. Now she is neither, and that is hard for me to cope with. It’s familiarity and pattern recognition that are in dissaray. My logical mind is still grounded in the truth of my reality, but detaching from something I spent 2 years building is tough. Just three days after our anniversary. Same thing happened with Jax: a few days after our anniversary it came crashing down. This time things were not dramatic. It just ended. No attempts to save it, no pleas for a second chance, just over. That kinda took me by surprise. I thought she needed me, but I guess she never did. I was always an accessory to her life, never a big part of it. This whole thing has humbled me, and has afforded me ample time to rebuild a sense of identity. That is my next project, which will be debuting soon. For now, I’m still in turmoil. 

Just

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I am very in tune with my suffering. There is a lonely hole in my chest, my appetite is gone, and I feel the ache of her absence. She’s not a part of my life anymore. I wasn’t all the way ready for that to happen, because I still acutely miss her. She calms me, and keeps me grounded. Now I don’t have anyone holding on to my balloon string. We could talk through any problem together, all except this last one. The outcome of our final conversation was disappointing, needless to say. Nevertheless, here I am alone in the world again for the first time in two years. I’m scared of what may become of me, but part of my directive is to always gain from what I have lost. This time, I know more about myself than I did before: I know I am a loyal lover, a trusted ally and a keen observer of the human scene. I know that I must be able to stand proudly in my own to be a man, and that is exactly what I mean to get back to. I can love, and have loved overwhelmingly, but never reciprocated with anything close to the same intensity. I know now I can’t sustain a relationship with a docile woman. I need someone who can talk to me, engage me and make me think existentially. I want to have words be the currency of future  exchanges, and with each unfolding layer, learn more about my partner. I know that I must manage my money better, and that I do regret. But that is also something easily remedied, in fact, is also currently in practice. 

I miss her, blog. I know she’s gone. It hurts, and it makes me sit here huddled up under my blankets shutting out the outside world not caring about anything or anyone. I’m feeling sad without her. I still love her. I loved her this morning. I can’t just shut it off. I still love her, but I think it’s clear that we can’t be together. That puts me in a tough spot, torn between my feelings and my rational mind. Sometimes I don’t know which one is in charge, and everything gets distorted. My mind is in tumult. I know what I know and I nevertheless love who I love. 

It’s going to be a long night for me blog. Perhaps restless, but certainly full of sorrow. 

What I’ll Miss

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It’s hard not having someone you love out there who loves you too. When a relationship dies, there is pain for all the futures that had imagined, now falling apart. There is sadness in contrast to the happiness we once shared. I reminisce about those summer Friday nights when she and I would get tore up and laugh out asses off at the TV. All those mornings waking up next to her, smelling her and feeling the warmth of her body. I had one last night with her, and now I am alone. And I feel decidedly alone. I second guess and wonder about the road that led to this moment. What did I do wrong? Did I not love her enough to earn her trust? Am I just a liability? 

Don’t think because my logical mind got a post in there that the emotional mind won’t get a go. Here we are, experiencing the absence of my love for Amanda. It hurts, and it makes me sad. I already miss her and it hasn’t even been a day. I’m used to always having her to talk to. We must have sent each other about 8 million texts over the course of our relationship. We talked extensively, every day. Whether I was living there with her or not. It has just occurred to me that I will never get to say goodbye to her kitties. I loved both those cats like they were my own. The rest of their lives are going to be utter torment as their mom gives them up to the pound in the coming month. They will never know my unending kitty love again. That too makes me sad. This whole breaking up thing fucking sucks. 

But I know that things couldn’t go on the way they were. We were already falling apart, and she was only doing more and more things to drive distance between us. Culminating in Kasey, who broke our relationship and ruined Amanda’s apartment. She’s probably pretty happy that I broke up with Amanda. No doubt. Amanda chose her over me. That’s all there is to it. She had many chances to make it right. She didn’t. So now it’s over. 

I’m sad to lose the beautiful things we had together. I know we had dreams to be under one roof and happy. But Amanda threw all that away. She invested in a criminal instead, and providing for her needs. The choice was clear, and so to was my response. I’m in pain over what I had to do. I miss her. But I’m not getting back together with her. It’s really over. 

Broken Up

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Score: +2.5

Today was the end of my relationship with Amanda. It was not unexpected, as things between she and I have been deteriorating for the past several weeks. Basically ever since she started affiliating with that lowlife friend she has. Amanda believes in who people used to be, and she gets blindsided by who they really are. She doesn’t learn, she just makes the same mistakes over and over and allows dangerous people to boss her around. My voice of reason is nothing. Why? “Because you didn’t grow up with me.” The friend has more cred than I do in this solitary category and that’s what Amanda measures relevance and trust by. I’m tired of trying to save Amanda from herself. She doesn’t listen. She’s not learning anything from the calamity that has befallen her. She is also struggling with depression, and my leaving has nothing to do with that. It’s her choices that drove me away for good, not her mental illness. I can’t abide people, in whatever mental state, not being accountable for or learning from their mistakes. Amanda would rather hang out with a prostitute than me. She wouldn’t take my money and let me keep living there. So I got my own place because Amanda needed time to individuate. But then Kasey moves in. And there’s no more individuating, there’s drama, piss all over everything, up all night watching Kasey’s son, strange people coming over and did I mention the piss? She’d rather have that, because she “grew up with her?” So, as you can begin to see, this whole thing doesn’t make sense. I’m a WAY better influence on Amanda than Kasey. There’s not even a comparison. And who is more capable of genuine love, a hustler, or me? Kasey loves anyone willing to give her money. That’s not how mine is earned, or kept.  I get the feeling that Amanda never really understood my love, and what it was worth. Her idea of love is different, and still to this day, unclear to me. I don’t regret our time, I just wish it had a revelation rather than a collapse as it’s defining moment. Amanda is determined to destroy every last piece of her life, and there was nothing I could do to save her. She didn’t want my help; she only wanted me to love her while she drowned. I always hoped we could be a partnership, but Amanda doesn’t trust me. She never asked advice before doing something potentially risky. She told her ex about the details of my suicide attempts, and he promptly barred me from being around Tristan. Why? To create drama under the guise of disclosure. But really, you don’t need to disclose the details, only the fact that it happened. She didn’t ask me if it was ok to talk to Jesse about that. She did it anyway. She doesn’t think about me, she was more interested in creating conflict where there previously was none. I have been holding off this day for a long time, hoping she would start pushing back. She had already given up long before I got there, it would seem. I don’t know what to say blog. I’m going to spend some time just getting back to center. I’m going to start a new project in the coming days. Stay tuned. It will be a triumphant return to independence. For now, it has been a tough transition today. Needless to say. 

Edain 4.4

by in PC Games & Theories, Rant and tagged

A friend at work inspired me to start gaming, so I patched up to 4.4. Imladris I have yet to fully comprehend, but I’m getting there. However the one thing I did notice since the patch is a significant increase in AI difficulty for Brutal and Hard. So significant that I can’t beat Brutal in maps I already beat on Brutal. I look at the aftergame data and something really sticks out. Right from the get go, I spend most of my resources on buildings, and my line plummets. AI on the other hand, starts gaining resources right from the get go, steadily increasing. Source unknown. But he doesn’t spend resources until a few minutes in. What this looks like on the receiving end is approximately 500% more units than I have to defend with. Overwhelming sums of low level battalions, escalating rapidly. It’s probably possible to develop a fast turtle strategy to defend against it, but that poses the question: why play the AI? It aught to be that the AI behaves like a human player and has a few different strategies to employ. It’s not realistic that a human player can come up with as many units as the Brutal AI can. Why practice defending yourself from something you are not likely to face in a multiplayer setting? 

Medium however, has a much more realistic chart. Medium has to spend the first thousand and work on getting it back with resource buildings. That I like. So I started playing Medium and had some great games. 

I had one game where silverthorns and Ents were the crushing blow. Those hero battalions for Lothlorien are deadly. There was another where Rohan farmhands and heroes swarmed over everything. The one faction I can’t seem to get a hold of is Gondor. I love them, but I can’t win with them. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I’m dead long before I get to hero battalions, or sequestered in my base waiting to die. My early and mid game strategies are lacking. I need to rethink the whole thing. Hero first approach doesn’t work because of Boromir’s cost, and Beregond doesn’t last long for the 1000 he costs. No, no, I need to rethink the way I use Gondor. We shall see what comes of it. 

I’m eagerly awaiting 4.5, as the final race will be added: Misty Mountains. Or Goblins. They haven’t decided, I think. It’s actually a tad overdue already. It makes me wonder what they are toiling over. Is it the unique mechanics of the race? Or are there any? Many questions. But we only need 1 more and then Edain is complete. It was a long time ago that Edain first came out. Several years. But well worth the wait. Gameplay is fantastic, graphically stunning, ingenuous mechanics, ample unique races to fit every style, I could go on. Point being, they’ve worked hard on providing a genuinely fantastic product. It is classy and polished. EA better take note of how the professionals handle things. 

I’m going to update the RTS preferences right after I post this. It’s time. 

Keep It Together

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , ,

Score: +2

So it was a rough start to the week. I ended up bringing work home with me for the day. I’m glad my job has that flexibility. 

On the relationship front Amanda got rid of prostitute roommate and is now down to selling stuff to try and pay February’s rent. She is back on ECT until her TMS gets approved. I think she’s doing better, and probably could go back to work if they’d let her. She and I are getting along fine. We’ve had a few arguments but we always work it out. We just celebrated our two year anniversary yesterday. It’s amazing to think about all we’ve been through over that time, and how we’ve changed. Both striving for improvement, both struggling. We have always just kept on being there for each other. 

I’m glad her situation is a little more stable, now that prostofriend is gone. House is still a toxic waste dump. I will be sad when she is out of there because she will be homeless, but also glad for sanitary reasons. I’m devastated that she will be losing her cats, her stuff, just about everything nonessential. And I regret that it came to this, but I look back on it and I don’t see where we could have done something differently. But she couldn’t work. There’s no getting around that. If you can’t work, you can’t live somewhere that costs money. Eventually the static revenue source will run out, and here we are, Craigslisting possessions in a flurry to make one more month. 

But our relationship is still strong. We talk every day to some length. I’m always asking her things. Checking in. So we are good communicators. 

I’ve been feeling very blah today. I just need an early bedtime to set things right. 

Wild

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Score: 3.5

Well it has been an interesting last few days. Amanda and I went from serious fight to swooning with lust in the span of 24 hours, I have recognized that I am cycling again, and my mom is falling off the deep end into depression. 

On the relationship front, Amanda’s homeless friend Kasey is nearing the end of permissible stay while living off Amanda and turning her apartment into a biohazard. We were fighting about said degenerate when I got a little psychotic with rage. All the while Amanda has had her friend there, she made it seem like friend was buying food, and taking care of the apartment. In actuality, Kasey took $500 from Amanda (putting her short on rent) and was going out nightly leaving her autistic son with Amanda to babysit. Now Kasey needs to go. So I got a little upset when I discovered the situation Amanda had put herself in. She says she was doing it for Kasey’s son, but still, there’s a time and a place for charity. When you have no income and every dollar is precious you can’t be just giving it to some loser you are acquainted with. So I got pissed. And we had a fight about it. 

The evening after detonation, we worked things out and resolved that Amanda would spend the night the following day. We had an even more involved conversation together when she came over in which I really felt connected with her. She told me I was the smartest guy she had ever been with, and I told her she was the most creative woman I had ever been with. Then the lust started. We had sex like it can be during that initial curious passion that derives from the onset of intimacy. We did it over and over as though we were suddenly new lovers discovering each other for the first time. It carried on into the next morning, while I was all dressed at 4 am ready for work. Unexpected much? 

Things became turbulent again when Amanda’s doctor did not clear her to return to work. She’s still depressed, but now her life is on the verge of being destroyed if she can’t make some money, rapidly. She was telling me how she’s probably just going to be homeless, and I was again alarmed. I encouraged her to redouble her efforts ahead of the next meeting with her psychiatrist so that she can get clearance to return to her old job. I encouraged her to fight to repair her independent life as letting your life get smashed into pieces is a lot more work to rebuild than it would have been to fix it before it disintegrated. 

I just got back from a meeting with my psychologist, which went very well. I told her that over the last 6 weeks I have been experiencing slightly elevated states which last 10 days or do, followed by periods where depression symptoms emerge, also lasting about the same length of time. My scores over this span tell the same story. So we decided to try a different pattern of dosing the Lithium while adding another 300mg, bringing me to a standard 1500mg. I’m to start taking it in the mornings as well. So that was good, and as a direct result of my observations. 

I need to go fix my parent’s relationship as my mom is spiraling out of control with meds that don’t work and bad mental health practices. She needs a reminder about what’s important as she tends to digress when she’s having symptoms. Life doesn’t always work out how we hope it would, but resenting your husband for suffering a crippling disease because now you can’t go to Italy for your 40th wedding anniversary? What’s more important, a vacation you can’t have, or your lifelong partner who needs you now more than ever? She is in a dream world that she thinks will make her happy. I need to bring her back down to the reality that we are all bound to, whether we accept it or not. 

It’s been a tough week, but I’m on an upswing, so it’s not too bad. Boy would I be fucked if last weeks down had carried over. 

Have a good night. 

Escape Velocity

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Score: +3

I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and that’s a bad mental health behavior. I’m usually at my best when writing because it forces me to be introspective. Frankly, right now I do need to have a hard look inward, so here we are. 

My energy has been suffering, but thankfully, recovering as well thanks to this long weekend. I am back on the Buspar after an unwelcome panic attack the other night. Guess it actually was doing something. I feel like training at work really sapped me and I’ve been attempting to recover ever since. It is finally feeling like I will be fresh for next week. I’m aware of the bubbling spring of energy within, infusing me with vitality. Well, maybe it’s not quite that awesome, but somewhere approximate. I just want to have everything back in order so I can transition into next week and be effective. 

Amanda and I are getting along, though, there is a point of contention between us. Her friend who she took in for the next few months is not a great person to have around, but someone who also fills a need. Amanda has to have money to stay where she is and the friend has promised to provide. I see friend as a terrible influence and a genuinely sleazy person, which is not great for Amanda as a frame of reference. I just hope she gets through friend time without much incident. I’m not talking to Amanda about friend because we fight every time we do. Amanda is compromising good decision making for money, so that’s pretty much the whole problem right there. But I can do nothing, and now my opinions on the matter will go unheard. 

But life is going ok. Things could be much worse. I’m thinking we are about due for an uptick in good events happening. I mean, we totally deserve it after all we’ve been through. My energy will improve and life will get better again. It’s the inevitability of the cycles we all go through as we drift along. My only hope is that we get out from under the pressure and stress and get back to living. Fully.