New

It’s a new day tomorrow, and a chance to go out there and get it right. I had a good day today, but tomorrow will be better. I will be rested, strong and confident as I go through my shift. Anything is possible. What lies ahead is just one big question mark. I have my intentions, and maybe they will be responded to. 

I have hope blog. Hope that new things are coming that will yet again change the world. The best we can do is grab on and try not to fall off. What the future holds, I do not know, but my doors are open to what’s out there. 

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Bingo

Aaaaaaand I was right about feeling like things were going in the right direction. Woke up this morning feeling fresh, got to work by 5:00, and stayed until the very last minute. I had the nagging voice in my head telling me to work from home and leave early, blah bla bla. Today though, I paid that voice little mind and went on about my business. I had a solid shift, and tomorrow I send out a report that is going to make some ripples in the water. When upper management sees it, action may be necessary. Who knows, because the report itself is not to blame. The report only reports the facts. The facts are to blame! 

So anyway… I’m talking with Amanda still. I haven’t just stopped loving her. And now we’re friends. And maybe that’s the best place for us. She said herself that she wanted to get her life figured out on her own. I’m certainly willing to give her the space to do that. And we may well end up staying friends for good with no return to a relationship. Her life is headed in such a positive direction. Her time with Kasey is a blip compared to the great things she is doing. Her art is starting to become a career, just as steady disability income is on the way. She could land somewhere on her own, in her own private art studio, living off sales from her work and disability. That’s the kind of life I would have hoped for her, one where she is pursuing her creativity and her dreams, while being financially secure. So Amanda is on the verge of a big rise. 

Me though, I’m still exploring my options. I have my feelers out there. I’m going to try Match for 6 months. If nothing, then I’ll abandon the effort and go with Meetup groups. Once I get in better shape, I could go hiking. There are plenty of meetups that may fit. 

Blog, things are headed up for Amanda and I. My steps are more inconsequential, but have helped boost my energy. Hers are epic. I just hope things fall together soon. She needs a place to be on her own and individuate. 

Right Start

Ok blog, tomorrow is Monday and I typically struggle to get going in the mornings. Albeit, my alarm goes off at 4:15 am, but I should really be used to this by now. I need to rest well, long and hard to wake up refreshed and bushy-tailed. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a great day. 

Like I mentioned earlier, Amanda and I are kinda talking. Not like we used to. Not nearly. But some. More than the zero I had a few days ago. I don’t know what to say to her, she doesn’t take my advice. Maybe it’s just nice knowing there is someone out there who cares. However little there actually is, there is still some. And like I said earlier, some is much better than none. But I don’t know what we have anymore and I don’t know what’s to become of us. 

This weekend I largely took time for me. I did what I needed to do, sprinkled in with what I wanted to do. I smoked a few bowls, played Edain for hours, watched movies and relaxed. It was a great weekend. I know it’s been a good one when I get to the end of it and I’m ready to go back to work. I have that fire to get after it again. That’s exactly what I intend to do. 

A Development

I engaged Amanda because I had some things of hers and she of mine, and we needed to trade. That uncorked the texting bottle and we were rehashing everything. That got fairly involved, but the outcome was reestablished communications to some degree. We also agreed to be friends, which I think is an encouraging step. It’s better than zero communications with someone I loved right from the start. I think we can still have good conversations about things, so there’s no reason to throw THAT away. I can still disagree about her choices but in a less attached way. This will help keep me less involved in her life, while she takes the time to figure it out. I wasn’t helping anyway, so this really is for the best. 

Blog, I feel a great sense of relief today knowing that I have not lost her for good. We are taking a step apart, but not too far. I’m really happy this happened. 

I’ve got one more day to get through, and then free. I’m so burnt. 

The Promise

I am going to get headed in the right direction not January 30th like when the project states, but right fucking now. I will not go on living an undisciplined life which has no doubt contributed to my low energy and dissatisfaction. I deserve to feel better than I do, so I will work to improve my situation until things equalize. 

I had a low food intake today AND did a mile on the elliptical. I’m like -300 calories for today. I’m off to a good start. I need to continue that trend, and hold on to the promise of improved energy. I know if I had a more balanced diet I would feel better, it’s pretty much a given. Exercise will help me incrementally each time I do it. Over time, it makes a big difference. This is something I believe I can stick to, as the outcome is vital to my future. I want to be strong and healthy again. 

I am resolved to make a change. I have also given up on the scoring system. It served a purpose while I was not doing so great, but lately I’d doesn’t really serve a purpose anymore. I don’t evaluate the data I collect anymore, so why bother? I’m headed up. Everything thus far has just been some measurement of up. There has been no consistent down, mostly up. So I have the pattern on my side. 

Back To Basics

That is my new mantra. I will get back to the core of who I am, and what I represent. Like fuzz, animal noises and talking to myself (among other less impractical things). I find I make some pretty insightful commentary, regardless of the subject matter. My point being, this new mantra encapsulates what I’m trying to do both cognitively and physically. 

I started today by resisting temptation and having a good dinner. I’m retiring early hoping to be lulled by the sound of fling rain. Turns out, I got my wish, and a little cell just opened up overhead and it poured for a few blissful minutes. I even stopped blogging to listen. After I continue to resist temptation, I intend to start my exercise again and incrementally increase the difficulty. As time goes on, and I can hold true to a good diet, I should see results. I expect I weigh 225 right now, and my goal is thirty pounds lower. I believe I can do that with diet and exercise alone. 

I really kinda just barfed it all out there with my last post. At the same time, I needed to express it again since there should be no misinterpretation of my actions, by myself or anyone else who may have read.  I am accountable and very open in my processes. This is how I express and understand thoughts and feelings. It’s not interesting material, but it is real and 100% my life. A life I am proud of and won’t be taken for granted in. I have so much to offer, and still a lot to learn. So if my trials and tribulations prove worthy reading, thanks I guess. My process is not a secret, it is a model for success. 

I had a great time gaming this evening. Just getting back to me. It feels really good blog, like I’m on to something positive. I hope to follow this feeling in the days to come, and see where it takes me. 

Open Letter to the Woman I Love(d)

Dear Amanda, 

I believe we were headed to the point of collapse for a while, but your insistence in making bad choices resulted in my withdrawal from our relationship that occurred a few days ago. I have struggled to provide you with keen insight, motivation and endless caring through your deterioration, but in the end, my words couldn’t help you as you were unwilling to hear them. You chose to surround your frail existence with violently unstable elements, and this I would not stand for. I was fully invested in our future, with the hope that you would step up and fight for your life and get what you deserve. Instead, you were willing to just let things happen to you, rather than take charge of your situation. I can’t abide the attitude of non-involvement when your entire livelihood and future depend on your action (or lack thereof). I endevoured to instill some fight in you, and I believe I largely failed. 

I was able to rebuild my life after losing my apartment, relationship and mental health back in 2013, and I did so with the help of my family, and the willpower in my heart to get back my independent life. I pushed myself to rebuild, starting at first with my mental health, and progressing to a job and a place to live. It wasn’t impossible, but it was very hard. I had to want it badly enough to where making those logistical steps became a reality. If I can do this, so to could you have. I was hindered by my illness the whole way; anxiety and depression were at every turn. But I never gave in, and I never stopped pushing for the life I wanted to live.

Amanda, you can’t honestly tell me you are trying your hardest. I know you are not, and it’s clear based on your actions that you have energy, you just choose to spend it in the wrong places. You don’t have the spark of initiative; you’re not thinking of solutions, only complaining about problems. Your life is mired in a state of being the victim of outside action, which is a powerless and uninspiring place to be. In that way you must feel resigned to your fate, because of your own lack of action and your attitude in stagnation. Nothing is getting any better with you just sitting there. Life is won through effort. What gets dealt to you is never the best you can get, because the best is EARNED. 

This letter would fall on deaf ears if allowed to be read by her, but that’s not why I write. I write to drmonstrate to myself that I did not walk away from Amanda’s life before she did. I was right there even after she had surrendered herself to her poor choices. I tried everything I could to help her, including the consequence of me leaving for good. That didn’t make a difference, as indicated by the state of things today. She would much rather live an easy, no effort life than be pestered by me and my insistence she take control. Now no one is “nagging” her anymore to solve her problems so she is free to be the victim of them. There is nothing at all I respect about that. 

Amanda, you had your chance, and you passed it up. I was willing to fight tooth-and-nail for you, if only you could have demonstrated you were serious about your life. Instead, your life owned you, kicked you to the curb, and left you for dead all while you did next to nothing to stop it. You are content knowing you are going to lose everything and be homeless. I can’t support you if you are going to let those things happen to you. You quit on your life, and forced me to do the same. 

I hope that you are able to rebuild your life some day and be a fully functional and effective person again. You are such a gifted artist, and beautiful too, but your attitude and personality that fosters it make you wholly unappealing. If you could discover a reason to fight for your life again, maybe we could rediscover the future we once had together. There is still a chance for you and I to have a life like we wanted, but only if you own your reality and stop letting it own you. 

For now, I will never forget you, and never let go of the love I had for who you are, and who I thought you were going to be. I treasure your time, and the time I got with your son. I grew to love you both, and that has been taken away from me. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it seems like it is going to be no matter what I wish for. I will hold my heart open in case one day, she comes back.