Well it has been an interesting last few days. Amanda and I went from serious fight to swooning with lust in the span of 24 hours, I have recognized that I am cycling again, and my mom is falling off the deep end into depression.
On the relationship front, Amanda’s homeless friend Kasey is nearing the end of permissible stay while living off Amanda and turning her apartment into a biohazard. We were fighting about said degenerate when I got a little psychotic with rage. All the while Amanda has had her friend there, she made it seem like friend was buying food, and taking care of the apartment. In actuality, Kasey took $500 from Amanda (putting her short on rent) and was going out nightly leaving her autistic son with Amanda to babysit. Now Kasey needs to go. So I got a little upset when I discovered the situation Amanda had put herself in. She says she was doing it for Kasey’s son, but still, there’s a time and a place for charity. When you have no income and every dollar is precious you can’t be just giving it to some loser you are acquainted with. So I got pissed. And we had a fight about it.
The evening after detonation, we worked things out and resolved that Amanda would spend the night the following day. We had an even more involved conversation together when she came over in which I really felt connected with her. She told me I was the smartest guy she had ever been with, and I told her she was the most creative woman I had ever been with. Then the lust started. We had sex like it can be during that initial curious passion that derives from the onset of intimacy. We did it over and over as though we were suddenly new lovers discovering each other for the first time. It carried on into the next morning, while I was all dressed at 4 am ready for work. Unexpected much?
Things became turbulent again when Amanda’s doctor did not clear her to return to work. She’s still depressed, but now her life is on the verge of being destroyed if she can’t make some money, rapidly. She was telling me how she’s probably just going to be homeless, and I was again alarmed. I encouraged her to redouble her efforts ahead of the next meeting with her psychiatrist so that she can get clearance to return to her old job. I encouraged her to fight to repair her independent life as letting your life get smashed into pieces is a lot more work to rebuild than it would have been to fix it before it disintegrated.
I just got back from a meeting with my psychologist, which went very well. I told her that over the last 6 weeks I have been experiencing slightly elevated states which last 10 days or do, followed by periods where depression symptoms emerge, also lasting about the same length of time. My scores over this span tell the same story. So we decided to try a different pattern of dosing the Lithium while adding another 300mg, bringing me to a standard 1500mg. I’m to start taking it in the mornings as well. So that was good, and as a direct result of my observations.
I need to go fix my parent’s relationship as my mom is spiraling out of control with meds that don’t work and bad mental health practices. She needs a reminder about what’s important as she tends to digress when she’s having symptoms. Life doesn’t always work out how we hope it would, but resenting your husband for suffering a crippling disease because now you can’t go to Italy for your 40th wedding anniversary? What’s more important, a vacation you can’t have, or your lifelong partner who needs you now more than ever? She is in a dream world that she thinks will make her happy. I need to bring her back down to the reality that we are all bound to, whether we accept it or not.
It’s been a tough week, but I’m on an upswing, so it’s not too bad. Boy would I be fucked if last weeks down had carried over.
Have a good night.