Score: +2.5

Today was the end of my relationship with Amanda. It was not unexpected, as things between she and I have been deteriorating for the past several weeks. Basically ever since she started affiliating with that lowlife friend she has. Amanda believes in who people used to be, and she gets blindsided by who they really are. She doesn’t learn, she just makes the same mistakes over and over and allows dangerous people to boss her around. My voice of reason is nothing. Why? “Because you didn’t grow up with me.” The friend has more cred than I do in this solitary category and that’s what Amanda measures relevance and trust by. I’m tired of trying to save Amanda from herself. She doesn’t listen. She’s not learning anything from the calamity that has befallen her. She is also struggling with depression, and my leaving has nothing to do with that. It’s her choices that drove me away for good, not her mental illness. I can’t abide people, in whatever mental state, not being accountable for or learning from their mistakes. Amanda would rather hang out with a prostitute than me. She wouldn’t take my money and let me keep living there. So I got my own place because Amanda needed time to individuate. But then Kasey moves in. And there’s no more individuating, there’s drama, piss all over everything, up all night watching Kasey’s son, strange people coming over and did I mention the piss? She’d rather have that, because she “grew up with her?” So, as you can begin to see, this whole thing doesn’t make sense. I’m a WAY better influence on Amanda than Kasey. There’s not even a comparison. And who is more capable of genuine love, a hustler, or me? Kasey loves anyone willing to give her money. That’s not how mine is earned, or kept.  I get the feeling that Amanda never really understood my love, and what it was worth. Her idea of love is different, and still to this day, unclear to me. I don’t regret our time, I just wish it had a revelation rather than a collapse as it’s defining moment. Amanda is determined to destroy every last piece of her life, and there was nothing I could do to save her. She didn’t want my help; she only wanted me to love her while she drowned. I always hoped we could be a partnership, but Amanda doesn’t trust me. She never asked advice before doing something potentially risky. She told her ex about the details of my suicide attempts, and he promptly barred me from being around Tristan. Why? To create drama under the guise of disclosure. But really, you don’t need to disclose the details, only the fact that it happened. She didn’t ask me if it was ok to talk to Jesse about that. She did it anyway. She doesn’t think about me, she was more interested in creating conflict where there previously was none. I have been holding off this day for a long time, hoping she would start pushing back. She had already given up long before I got there, it would seem. I don’t know what to say blog. I’m going to spend some time just getting back to center. I’m going to start a new project in the coming days. Stay tuned. It will be a triumphant return to independence. For now, it has been a tough transition today. Needless to say.