What I’ll Miss

It’s hard not having someone you love out there who loves you too. When a relationship dies, there is pain for all the futures that had imagined, now falling apart. There is sadness in contrast to the happiness we once shared. I reminisce about those summer Friday nights when she and I would get tore up and laugh out asses off at the TV. All those mornings waking up next to her, smelling her and feeling the warmth of her body. I had one last night with her, and now I am alone. And I feel decidedly alone. I second guess and wonder about the road that led to this moment. What did I do wrong? Did I not love her enough to earn her trust? Am I just a liability? 

Don’t think because my logical mind got a post in there that the emotional mind won’t get a go. Here we are, experiencing the absence of my love for Amanda. It hurts, and it makes me sad. I already miss her and it hasn’t even been a day. I’m used to always having her to talk to. We must have sent each other about 8 million texts over the course of our relationship. We talked extensively, every day. Whether I was living there with her or not. It has just occurred to me that I will never get to say goodbye to her kitties. I loved both those cats like they were my own. The rest of their lives are going to be utter torment as their mom gives them up to the pound in the coming month. They will never know my unending kitty love again. That too makes me sad. This whole breaking up thing fucking sucks. 

But I know that things couldn’t go on the way they were. We were already falling apart, and she was only doing more and more things to drive distance between us. Culminating in Kasey, who broke our relationship and ruined Amanda’s apartment. She’s probably pretty happy that I broke up with Amanda. No doubt. Amanda chose her over me. That’s all there is to it. She had many chances to make it right. She didn’t. So now it’s over. 

I’m sad to lose the beautiful things we had together. I know we had dreams to be under one roof and happy. But Amanda threw all that away. She invested in a criminal instead, and providing for her needs. The choice was clear, and so to was my response. I’m in pain over what I had to do. I miss her. But I’m not getting back together with her. It’s really over.