Gone

It’s the end of my evening. I spent it alone crying and remembering things I’ve lost, and the emptiness of solitude. There’s no one to talk to except you blog. You always listen, even when I’m psychotic. This place has been my mental health coping mechanism since 2012. It has seen me at my highs, and lows, so this moment is no different than others like it I have had. This blog chronicles my failures, and triumphs. Tonight though, it is listening to me be sad about Amanda. I’m reflecting, and I seemed to only make her life more miserable the longer we were together. Her depression got worse, treatments got more severe, and the good things we had in the beginning of our relationship were lost as conditions deteriorated. I have no regrets as I supported her every step of the way. I supported her after countless costly mistakes further compromised her position. I know in my heart I put everything on the line to try and save her, but she wouldn’t hear me. She chose her path away from where the rest of us are headed. Maybe she did associate me with getting more ill. I don’t honestly know how I made her more depressed… like by showering her in love you mean? I think that I couldn’t get through to her because she won’t listen to anybody else tell her what to do. I just regret compromising my scruples to have someone to love again. I should have held firm to my values and standards. I wouldn’t be disappointed now if I had. So, mistakes are learned from. 

I think about the great expanse of solitary life that lies ahead of me. Will I be able to cope? Will I falter? Will I compromise yet again? My mind is churning over things that remain to be seen. Outcomes. Meh. Everything is so unpredictable, you can’t really have expectations. I don’t hope for anything anymore. It’s too painful to be let down after risking so much. I’m tired of feeling heartbroken. I’m resolved to depend on only myself and leave my expectations at home. 

It’s not going to stop me from crying about it though. Resolutions are great, but I’m alone and very sad… there’s no resolution that is going to help me feel normal right now. In the real world, there are consequences for your actions. End a relationship, feel a great deal of pain. Boom. So I’m well prepared to go on this sad journey through my wonderful memories of Amanda. I have many recollections of good times with her son, rememberances of fun nights and long conversations where she really seemed to want to get to know me. Like I said, I don’t regret my relationship, it had many beautiful moments. 

I’m full of contrasts tonight. It’s taking its toll. 

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