Smashed

“Cowboys and Angels” came on, a song that strongly resembles the dynamic between Amanda and I while we were together. It reminds me acutely of how broken she is. I abandoned her to her own fate. I gave up on her. I’m really the quitter here, aren’t I? Who am I? I don’t want to live on a delusion. I know what I did was the only thing left for me to do. But I feel sick about her alone in the world. She’s in the world somewhere, and I’m not looking out for her anymore. I cried and cried here in front of my laptop as the song made me think of how she was as gone, just like I knew she would be someday. 

Thirty minutes later and I’m crying again. I really wanted to be with the girl I would spend my life with. I wanted to be a role model for her son. I wanted to come home to her smile every day. Now I will probably never see her again. That thought is a dagger in my chest. It cripples me with sadness contemplating her absence from my life. I’m having a hard time logicking my way through this tsunami of sadness. Now I have no one. Now I am not loved by anyone outside of my family. It’s depressing. 

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