It’s cold in my apartment since all these storms started rolling in. I’m working on a remedy as I write this. I will probably have heat by tonight, which will make my evenings much more enjoyable. I’m huddled up on my couch with almost no exposed skin and multiple layers. It’s cold.
But I’m listening to music… this is how I work okay blog? Music has tremendous emotional power. Tremendous. I can be pumped-up or brought to tears from one track to the next. I had several songs of significance in reference to my relationship with Amanda. Those songs all foreshadowed what was happening between us, as was the case when I went through the end with Jax. “Cowboys and Angels” was just one good example. “More Than Words” touched on a thread of contention in our physical relationship. I was here sobbing my way through the lyrics, missing her touch, her smell. It was all being ripped away by my logical mind. But my logical mind has the moral high ground on this one. Theres no victory to be had for sorrow.
More music, this time “Lovesong” by The Cure. Wow. It’s spot on. It’s a promise I couldn’t keep. I will always love her, I just can’t help her anymore. It is a crushing weight on me every minute since I had to turn my back on her. I feel insanely horrible about it, but it would have meant I would have to change something fundamental about myself and perception of what is right and wrong in order to continue helping her. She walked somewhere I was not willing to follow, so I had to let her go. I miss her. She was a good friend to me for two years. I wanted that life with her. I’m sad she didn’t. Ok I probably shouldn’t blog and cry at the same time.