Well it has been a cold, rainy morning and I’ve heard “Clocks” twice in the last three hours, so I know the universe is trying to fuck with me. A day when everything is pushing me towards sadness, I am finding I don’t feel acutely sad. I’m not crushed over this relationship dying. I was when Jax cheated on me, because it largely took me by surprise. This time, I had been contemplating the possibility that my relationship would be ending soon for some time, as warning signs were becoming apparent. I don’t feel guilt or regret, because I know in my heart I tried to do right by her, and get her pointed in a more successful direction (since I believe she deserves to thrive). In the end, she didn’t take my advice and went her own way, which I made clear was not a way I was going to follow her down. She made lots of bad choices and never learned from any of them. She just went forward making more poor choices despite my warnings. I can be a stalwart ally, and she advocate for positive decisions, but only if my partner is willing to invest in fighting up from the bottom (if that’s where we happen to be). I admire people why push back against circumstance. I respect people who don’t give up. I cherish the quality in people that makes them strive for something better. Amanda had none of these. She was willing to take what was dealt and do nothing to improve her lot significantly. She did try, but not enough to earn her life back. Now everything is being taken away from her, and it’s too late to save any of it. I’m sad for her, but she’s not my problem anymore. I don’t have to keep trying to rescue her from her situation. I wasn’t very effective anyway.
Well blog, I’m coming to a bit of a turning point. I do still really miss her love and conversation, but there’s too much negative now to overcome. I can’t balance things anymore. Now that the equilibrium is gone, I have started to transition on. I am beginning to feel confident, and even started up my page on Match.com again. I’d be willing to go back to that well, though I’m not putting much time into it. It’s more of a personal statement to myself that I have moved on. I am purging my Amanda thoughts and starting my journey into independence. I will undoubtedly meet people along the way, but the priority is still me.
Well we have no internet here at work so things are stalled. I’m thinking about my life. Introspective time.