I feel like the logical mind has prevailed in my situation. The world is going forward in a new way, regardless of my feelings about it. I have come to a point of swallowing my pain over this and moving on. I feel like I’m headed out of a bad place, and on to a warm blanket of self-compsssion. I really know I tried to make the best out of my relationship, despite its shortcomings. I have no guilt over not giving my all for her. I can’t say she came even close to demonstrating the same courtesy. There were lots of warning signs, but damnit, I wanted to be loved. I needed someone.
Right now, even if I got a hit on Match, I don’t think I would pursue anything more than a talking buddy. I’m not going to get involved before knowing really deeply, who she is. I must have my standards met. I must have an equal, or no dice. The chances of finding said person are next to zero. There’s no way anyone as brilliant and intuitive as that would want anything to do with me, and my bipolar disorder, and my divorces. I’m damaged goods, which is why I was willing to stick it out with Amanda. She would have me. But then the relationship became too disrupted and sporadic. All signs pointed to termination.
I’m getting used to being alone at home. I have a nice place, perfect for me, and I do feel at peace here. I’ve been playing Edain and coming up with new strategies. I’m going to be just fine. Things are getting better every day.