I believe we were headed to the point of collapse for a while, but your insistence in making bad choices resulted in my withdrawal from our relationship that occurred a few days ago. I have struggled to provide you with keen insight, motivation and endless caring through your deterioration, but in the end, my words couldn’t help you as you were unwilling to hear them. You chose to surround your frail existence with violently unstable elements, and this I would not stand for. I was fully invested in our future, with the hope that you would step up and fight for your life and get what you deserve. Instead, you were willing to just let things happen to you, rather than take charge of your situation. I can’t abide the attitude of non-involvement when your entire livelihood and future depend on your action (or lack thereof). I endevoured to instill some fight in you, and I believe I largely failed.
I was able to rebuild my life after losing my apartment, relationship and mental health back in 2013, and I did so with the help of my family, and the willpower in my heart to get back my independent life. I pushed myself to rebuild, starting at first with my mental health, and progressing to a job and a place to live. It wasn’t impossible, but it was very hard. I had to want it badly enough to where making those logistical steps became a reality. If I can do this, so to could you have. I was hindered by my illness the whole way; anxiety and depression were at every turn. But I never gave in, and I never stopped pushing for the life I wanted to live.
Amanda, you can’t honestly tell me you are trying your hardest. I know you are not, and it’s clear based on your actions that you have energy, you just choose to spend it in the wrong places. You don’t have the spark of initiative; you’re not thinking of solutions, only complaining about problems. Your life is mired in a state of being the victim of outside action, which is a powerless and uninspiring place to be. In that way you must feel resigned to your fate, because of your own lack of action and your attitude in stagnation. Nothing is getting any better with you just sitting there. Life is won through effort. What gets dealt to you is never the best you can get, because the best is EARNED.
This letter would fall on deaf ears if allowed to be read by her, but that’s not why I write. I write to drmonstrate to myself that I did not walk away from Amanda’s life before she did. I was right there even after she had surrendered herself to her poor choices. I tried everything I could to help her, including the consequence of me leaving for good. That didn’t make a difference, as indicated by the state of things today. She would much rather live an easy, no effort life than be pestered by me and my insistence she take control. Now no one is “nagging” her anymore to solve her problems so she is free to be the victim of them. There is nothing at all I respect about that.
Amanda, you had your chance, and you passed it up. I was willing to fight tooth-and-nail for you, if only you could have demonstrated you were serious about your life. Instead, your life owned you, kicked you to the curb, and left you for dead all while you did next to nothing to stop it. You are content knowing you are going to lose everything and be homeless. I can’t support you if you are going to let those things happen to you. You quit on your life, and forced me to do the same.
I hope that you are able to rebuild your life some day and be a fully functional and effective person again. You are such a gifted artist, and beautiful too, but your attitude and personality that fosters it make you wholly unappealing. If you could discover a reason to fight for your life again, maybe we could rediscover the future we once had together. There is still a chance for you and I to have a life like we wanted, but only if you own your reality and stop letting it own you.
For now, I will never forget you, and never let go of the love I had for who you are, and who I thought you were going to be. I treasure your time, and the time I got with your son. I grew to love you both, and that has been taken away from me. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it seems like it is going to be no matter what I wish for. I will hold my heart open in case one day, she comes back.