Accomplishments

Today I’m working my ass off blog, despite my totally fucked up sleep schedule. I will top 12,000 steps by the time I’m ready for bed, and Fitbit says I walked 6.39 miles (but I don’t believe it). I think it was measuring my stride farther than it actually is. But either way, the steps count.

So I am loving this tracking my health thing. This is really how you stay on top of your shit. I know how much food goes in, how much energy I burn, What activities I do, and there are plentiful goals to accomplish. Today was a bit of an insane day since I’m going to have been awake for 18 hours by the time the night is through. I just need to find ways to keep myself awake so that I don’t completely fuck my sleep schedule.

Today I feel empowered. I’m talking to a great girl, my energy level is already starting to pick up, and my mood is going right along with it. There’s too much good shit in the future to go back into the past. My life goes on, and into brighter days. I have always liked Carly, that’s no secret. I’m continuing to like her more.

So this was a good start. Instead of sitting in my truck on break I’m walking 2,500 steps. Instead of sitting on the couch all night I’m doing muscle building exercises and lifting my medicine ball. I know I used to be fully in charge of my show, and frankly, I haven’t been in a very long time. I have always let the physical part go, as I undervalued it’s importance in the mental health picture. If my body is healthy and active, I’m giving my brain the best conditions in which to operate. An ideal environment, working properly and well balanced. That is my goal blog, to get fit, and arrive at a place where I can both observe and deal with my mental health as well as my continue to improve my physical fitness. If I’m ever going to be in a relationship again, I have to do so as a fully assembled person. I need to be in charge of who I am.This is where I make my stand.

Well I think I’m not going to push myself any further tonight. Tomorrow I’ll do my four laps and sprinkle in some planking. Once I’ve had a good night’s rest.

Affirmations

Sometimes you just need a boost in the right direction, and you can’t always count on the outside world to provide it to you. Arguably, those external affirmations are somewhat less valuable since that are not procured internally, but the variety that implies self-confidence are still very important.

Today, for example, I am here on my couch getting ready for work and thinking to myself: “today is going to be a good day because I am in a good place in my life right now.” I also believe that I am a strong man who is vital and beautiful (not in a physical sense), and deserves to be appreciated and adored. I also believe I am kind, loving and genuine. I have some really truly outstanding qualities that can be appreciated by the right person.

I know I am headed in the right direction. I am taking full control of my life and my fate, and I will decide how this story goes. Granted, there are factors beyond my control at many different points along the way, but the things I can do something about I will, in order to better myself and build my confidence as I walk through the world. I am being personally responsible and dedicated to the cause of improving my self worth (which is a huge task for someone who suffers from bipolar depression).

Do I know what’s coming? No fucking way. What I can do, however, Is walk into the future bravely and with the assurances I have provided myself affirming my positive outlook on the uncertainty that has yet to unfold. I’ll make the most out of whatever hand is dealt to me, you can count on that. Just as I have done in the past, and as recently as my falling out with Kendra, I am absorbing the positive message in calamity and embracing the lesson it has to teach me. I’d be a fool to throw everything away, because the moral of failure is how to not fail again the same way, and how to improve as a person going forward from the point of destruction.

Affirmations are important, especially when they come from someone you trust (like yourself). It’s nice to get them externally, but that can’t be counted on. Most people don’t share their feelings the way I do, so expecting an equal exchange is a tad far-fetched. Carly is very open, but I know she is also a far more cautious and timid person than I am, yet the ingredients for superb communications are all there. We already have a high level discourse, but haven’t made the trust leap just yet. Affirmations from Carly are significant as well, but still not as powerful yet as the ones I derive for myself… and really, shouldn’t that ALWAYS be the case? You can’t count on people from the outside to build you up; the construction of self-confidence comes from within. External is garnish, the meat is a self-driven rise of belief that one can be proud of who they are regardless of what they have been through.

It’s a relevant topic, and something that has been on my mind ever since Kendra. I do believe I am headed in a significantly more positive direction than I was a few days ago.

The Revenge Of The Insomniac

Well it’s 2:15 am blog and here I am wide awake suffering the fate of my own follies. I was the one who decided to double my exercise yesterday, and I was the one who ran out of ways to distract myself so that I would stay awake. Now look at me: up since 12:45 and spent in attempts to go back to bed.

Fitbit told me i got 5 hours and 43 minutes of sleep, which is pretty good in my book. Not ideal, but not crap. It was my fault for going to bed when I did.

I was hoping to chat with Carly but she disappeared around 6 or so and by the time she reappeared at 8:45 I was long gone. Her phone didn’t alert her to my messages, so we missed each other. There’s still a whole day ahead of me full of talking with Carly that I have to look forward to nonetheless. I must say blog, I am truly enjoying this rekindled fire that I have with her. I’m feeling significantly more emotionally bonded to Carly than I was to Kendra. We have had a substantial sum of conversation above and beyond my brief interlude with Kendra. I feel like I know Carly better, in fact, I know her well enough to get her past confused with Kendra’s past since Kendra really didn’t give me all that much to ponder. My head was full of Carly, needless to say.

Well I’m blogging at 2 in the morning. Sigh. I wish I had planned things better so that this sort of moment would not happen on a weekday. A lesson was learned here this Tuesday.

About The Future

This is a tough subject because many variables are still at play. Personally though, the things that are in my control I want to fully address. The rest of it I will need to play on-the-fly. 

Starting off with good mental health. I’m back doing regular therapy again, which is a terrific boost for my mood and introspective capabilities. Margaret and I have good conversations and she points out things I hadn’t taken the time to consider. It’s usually informative to say the least. Plus I’m doing really well on 1500 mg of Lithium Carbonate. 

Sitting here in my bed writing this post, I am tempted to become sad over recent events in my life. In this moment, I am choosing not to downspiral. I am strong, proud and emotionally mature as a person and I should   be treated with respect and compassion. I will not subject myself to anything less than what I deserve. So as I was starting to get sad, I reminded myself of just how fantastic I am. Is she can’t appreciate me for who I am, I’m finding someone who does. 

Is it odd that I’m so nerded out by my Fitbit? I think data collection is fantastic, and data collection about ME is even better. I feel like the subject of a long-term experiment. I like it. 

I kinda wore myself out with double my normal exercise today. I’m retreating to bed well before it is appropriate. I can’t wait to wake up and see my numbers from overnight. I also will be looking forward to clicking an entire day’s worth of walking. My step count for today is pathetic. 

I’m having a good time with Carly, and it’s helping to lift me out of the sadness I was feeling. She keeps reminding me, more and more, what a great girl can be like. She’s responsive, funny, understanding, sensual and interesting. I am greatly enjoying the time we are spending together. There’s not enough of it quite frankly. We both have busy lives and live in different counties. It’s going to be hard to make something work, but if we do fall for each other, it is something I believe we can do. I can imagine building something with her. It seems like it would be a journey through the fire, but the rewards could be beyond imagining. If she really is as honest and caring as she seems, I’m not letting her get away.

Much remains to be seen. This is only the start of the story.  

In The Beginning…

Well blog, I really wanted to get things off to the right start after my lethargic weekend of moping and crying. I wasn’t about to let that carry over in to Monday, and that worked out perfectly. I woke up feeling fine, and ready to get going. I did a 3/4 day in the office then took my work home and got SUPER productive before my time ran out. That felt good.

I got my Fitbit today and did double my normal exercise just to see the numbers come in. I did 2 miles on the elliptical, and two sets of muscle building exercises, and let me tell you, I feel great. I was sweaty, feeling charged-up and really excited to be keeping close track of my physical health. I’m going to start using my breaks to walk .5 mile around the circuit at work and improve my step count. All in all, I’m very excited to be taking control of this aspect of my life. For too long have I let my body go to shit, and the result is poor energy and deteriorating mental health. Those days are over, and now we go up.

I’m thinking a little about Kendra, and I guess that’s to be expected. Things with Carly are right back to where they left off about two weeks ago, but I’m sensing the Kendra story may not be done yet. She is still looking at my profile on Match, which really makes no sense. If she had something to say, she could just text me. As per the usual, I have no clue what’s going on in her head, but undoubtedly she’s pissed at me because I am probably a jerk for wanting to talk about my feelings openly and be responded to with acceptance and compassion.

Carly on the other hand is a superb communicator, and the way we have dialogue is very even and easy. We laugh at each other, make jokes, interpersonal references, you name it. We are, above and beyond, better at communication than Kendra and I ever were. Carly hears me, and she understands my feelings and the words that deliver them. She is open and welcoming, while sincere and honest. There are just so many reasons to like Carly. The formula for a successful relationship is there, it just needs time to become itself. I have a feeling this will happen at some point down the road. My every intent is to find more ways to enmesh my life with hers. She is worth fighting for.

Good times in the self-care department and on the external front as well. Every new day brings me one opportunity closer to changing my life for the better. I am determined to build a healthy and happy me, and then go looking to make a healthy and happy partnership. Hopefully time is the only variable left to consider.

Anyway, today, as I had hoped, was the start of a new chapter. Giddyup.

Crumble

Well my emotions are finally catching up to me blog. I’m stricken by the though of Kendra alone and abandoned in the world. I really liked many things about her, and I mourn the loss of those things. Her assertive attitude and social ambition. I liked her dedication to the things she loved, and her positive outlook. Now I’m here in tears remembering all the reasons I got with her, and how all of that was undone by a greater sum of ugliness.

I had hope, and that hope is dead. It’s hard to have something like that die inside you. The echo and ache of it remains long after the event has passed. I have moved my life forward several steps, but my pain is still there. We had sex blog, and that’s a big deal for me to be close to someone like that and then have to cut them loose. I get attached with sex, and she was really not that way. I had only been with 7 women, and she had been with close to 40 different guys. Mentality difference.

My feelings went unacknowledged and ultimately rejected. I know I made the right choice but I still hurt because I did care for her, and I did want to be with her and be a part of her adventurous life. I must now let these things go. I must release her from my heart because there is no going back.

So George Michael – Older really pushed me over the edge. Fastlove, Spin The Wheel and others delivered gut blow after gut blow until I was in tears. The ache of loss is never any easier no matter how many times it has happened.

Well I’m feeling a bit better. I still stand by my logic, but my emotions play their own game by their own rules. I have to allow time for them to be realized fully, not ignored or partitioned.

What Happens Next?

I’m not confident in the future at this moment because many things remain obfuscated by variables beyond my control. I guess that’s usually the case, but I feel more uncertain about things since I am in a transition. I was feeling confident and stable with Kendra, but that was undermined over the course of three days and eventually destroyed. I was under the impression things were going to be okay at first, but the hints and clues started to pile up as the clock continued to tick forward. I figured it out eventually, but this one stung because there were a lot of good things about her that I will miss.

An important point of comparison: when Carly told me on the night of the 13th that she couldn’t be with me and wasn’t ready for a next step, I cried my fucking eyes out the next morning as I got ready for work. I was devastated. I just called things off with Kendra and have felt sad for approximately 2 minutes, and shed not a single tear. Why? Because I actually was able to emotionally bond with Carly and Kendra stayed remote and distant; an environment in which feelings don’t develop well.

However, Carly is a much better fit for me and I have always known that. My only issue was that Carly wasn’t ready on the 13th and Kendra pounced 1 day later. I mourned, but I was rapidly distracted. My feelings were still uncorked for Carly as there was no point in which I was resolved and not feeling anything for her. I still had her on my mind, that night we had together and all the words we had shared. I was left wondering what the hell could have happened, if we had been given the chance.

Now we are back forging ahead as to adults who are dating from across county lines. I know there are several really important things she has that Kendra was lacking that are fundamental to out compatibility. Carly has sympathy for my mental illness, and is very open and thoughtful about it. Carly and I share the same passion for music, and of the same types as well. Carly and I have talked 200% more than Kendra and I did, and I know more about her than I did with Kendra by far because Carly is the superior communicator of the two. These are just the first few major issues I was drawn to initially compare.

Point being, the hope for a healthy relationship is significantly higher than it was with Kendra. I am very fortunate that things worked out this way and that I was not fucked out of a chance to date someone really special.

I’m cautiously optimistic, but fearful of the unknowns that lie ahead nonetheless.

Moving Forward

My life is all about recovering from calamity, self inflicted or not. How I have come to be as strong and aware as I am was by surviving countless failures, and taking something away from the mess to further myself down the road. This situation is no different, and my plan of action has gone into effect perfectly.

I have managed to retain a great deal of positive momentum in reference to my physical health, and I am excited about beginning this journey. I have a goal in mind and I intend to reach it.

I am re-engaging Carly and this will be a slow steady crawl back to what we had before Kendra came along. We were at a high level of emotional relation and sympathy until it ended, and that fire really never went out. I just had to stash it away and pretend it wasn’t still burning. Even with Kendra, I still fantasized about Carly, and all the explicit things we wrote to each other. I couldn’t just erase her from my mind, and now thankfully, I don’t have to.

I just hope she hasn’t lost interest in me due to me being inconsistent and temporarily unavailable. I don’t think that’s the case but I have anxiety that I too will be replaced, the same way I had to replace her when she was gone. It would be poetic justice, and well deserved.

I’m still optimistic that the future is bright and full of potential. I’m healthy, active and ready to take on the next challenge. I know I’m going to do okay, albeit not without hardship, but I will persevere.

Swing

Empty chalice,

The deep echo of aching halls–

A splintering rupture,

Cast down like waste into the gravel. 

Back down the slope,

A progression of failure.

Spun by chances–

Deeper into the darkness. 

Only a shadow–

Gone when the light is shown. 

The lost promise–

Whispered over dry lips,

Was never there at all. 

Processing

I am sitting here tonight just going over all the bullshit that went down today. I believe I made the right call and I could have made it sooner, quite frankly. I didn’t think this was going to work out and I was right. Nevertheless, I’m in my apartment on a Saturday night alone with my thoughts. Maybe tonight IS a good night to process, because I’m going through some pretty dramatic changes.

I was feeling a lot of care and attraction to Kendra, but the more I saw of her emotional self the more worried I became. Frankly, she’s a fucking tough chick, and maybe even more macho than I am. She rides a Harley for fuck’s sake. I was willing to learn so much about her, but she never showed any interest at all in learning about me. My hobbies and passions were never discussed or explored. The whole arrangement was wrong, and there’s a chance I might have Herpes. Not as though that’s a catastrophic thing, I already take a bunch of pills every day, what’s one more? Sometimes you get lucky, other times you get fucked. I’m going in on Wednesday for a test either way.

On the swinging pendulum we ride. I have promptly (before someone came along to snatch her up) contacted Carly. Frankly I had almost zero emotional response to Kendra because of the way she chose to stand her ground and let me walk. Contacting Carly seemed like the logical thing to do, considering her I promised I would not forget about her. My feelings for her haven’t gone anywhere, I just had to bury them on the 13th when we split and Kendra came along. But now Kendra is out of the picture, so my feelings have a chance to unfold slowly. I want to walk down the road with someone, as long as they are willing to help me process and care for me. I’m looking for that blog. I won’t stop until I find it, or my clock runs out.

Making small steps still, but continuing to head in a positive direction. Speaking of optimistic things, there is something of benefit I will take from all of this Kendra stuff: the importance of a mastery of my physical body. I will be continuing on with the same vigor I had when she originally inspired it. I think it’s time to take control and get down to the me I want to be. I want to be strong again, and feel that life back in my body. I remember how good it felt to just be pumped, sweaty and on fire. I want to get back to that.

Well there are clearly plenty of things on my mind right now, and this will likely not be the last blog post.

Disintegration

And just like that, it was over. We had a fundamental disagreement about how she should be handling my anxiety and that caused a rift which could not be repaired.

My main complaint was that arguing with me, becoming outraged and exasperated were not appropriate responses to my anxiety manifesting. She would call me out, lecture me on how I should not have anxious thoughts, and I would end up begging for forgiveness. After the fourth time this happened, I called her out on it. I insisted that if I am anxious the best response is compassion and logic, of which she was not willing to apply. So there we have a rift: I can’t magically be any less mentally ill and subject to my anxieties, and she was too stubborn to change how she related to me. I told her that if she didn’t change, I’m walking and that’s exactly what I did when she finally refused to “coddle” me.

So to be honest, I’m feeling fine. When things end on a point of contention as major as this, I don’t get hurt feelings over the relationship collapsing. This point would have made it impossible for us to be together, and her lack of interest in showing me her feelings was the first sign of things to come.  I had a bad feeling this would happen, and I was right.

Now I need to prepare myself for life as a solo project. The good news about this whole thing is that I have been sparked to improve myself physically as well as mentally. I ordered a FirBit and will be working out 5 days a week or more until I make my target weight of 190. Eventually, I will get there.

For now, new direction, here we go.

Strain

Tonight was a mixed bag blog. I continue to forge ahead with Kendra, but progress is incremental. I am probing her for information about how she feels but she is shut tight. My emotions are present, and hers are not. She may have them, but she is keeping them hidden from me (for the most part). 

I don’t think this is a perfect match. She’s really great, but so far hasn’t shown much interest in getting involved with my passions and hobbies, while I am bending over backwards to be in hers. I don’t do well when my partners don’t show interest in me the way I am. Albeit, this relationship is only 11 days old, I might have my expectations set too high. 

However, now there is tension between us as my feelings are not welcome yet and she has taken a step back from me. I find this is not a healthy response to what I am going through. I would appreciate sympathy and understanding rather than argumentation. Blog, to be honest, I don’t think this is going to work if she doesn’t show some sign of interest in me. I will disconnect if I feel I’m not going to end up in a stable and happy environment. I can’t waste my time investing in a reality that will not cause me to stay healthy. I’ve done this before, and it is a failure every time if I don’t get certain things from my partner. 

I’m not condemning the budding relationship at this point, but the signs don’t look good to me. Something may change in the next few days but I’m concerned. I have every right to be as well, considering some very critical aspects of my life are on the line. 

It might be time to transition again soon; the divide is between going down toe road together or going down the road by myself. I don’t have any clue where things are headed, and that’s the part that gives me anxiety. Uncertainty and me do not get along well. 

Here’s hoping for the best. 

Forging

We have been conversing all week and have plans together Friday night. We have also made plans to go to Universal Studios on Sunday and spend the day together up there. I would say this is progress.

Things between us have been exploratory, with many home runs and some foul outs. Largely success, and a strengthening of the bond between us has begun. I am beginning to get a clearer idea of who she is, but the real test is time. If many consecutive days of happiness and stability transpire, then I might consider committing. For the time being, we aren’t even officially seeing each other yet, we are just two people dating and talking. I think that I need to help Kendra see how genuinely good I am. She will grow to trust me, once she sees me behave stable and active for a long stretch of time. I need the chance just to be with her and prove what a good influence I can be, and as she can for me.

She already has me excising more than I ever have in decades. I’m exhausting myself every weeknight and improving steadily as the days go by. Eventually I will get down to my target weight of 195, and build muscle mass as I’m losing fat. The Determined Penguin Project will be completed.

You see blog, I have come to the realization that I become similar to my partners in my previous relationships because I emulate their behaviors, moods, responses to things, etc. I adapt to how they are, and become like them to coalesce with them more effectively. I have now realized that this is both something I can prevent from happening, but also a boon if given the correct subject matter. I can emulate someone who is highly motivated, proactive, assertive, curious and clever rather than some one who is lethargic, melancholy and disinterested. I have a chance to be around someone who will change me for the better as a result, and take my life a huge step forward in potential.

I’ve given this all some thought, as you can see. I still need to regulate my emotions, because things were getting out of hand for a time earlier this week. I am pleased to report that the situation is now under control. Eric is the master of his feelings, not mental illness. You don’t always win every fight though.

Blog, this should be an exciting weekend. I’m going to spend a lot of money, but it’s totally going to be worth it. You wait and see. The next blog post I write at the end of Sunday night should be quite the epic.

 

Euphoria

Kendra came over for dinner and we had a great time. I cooked steaks, we laughed and played with Snapchat and had sex. Together we shared stories and learned more about each other through compelling conversation. I was sad that our evening had to come to an end but this is a weeknight after all. 

I’m tired now, but feeling really optimistic that we can continue to head in the direction of coming closer together. It was a very passionate goodbye this evening, one that still  resonates with me. 

Many days lie ahead, and only a few behind. This could be the start of something wonderful. 

Contact

We hung out last night for a couple hours and it was just as wonderful as I’d hoped it would be. We talked, and laughed and walked around Grossmont mall as it was shutting down. She is energetic, interesting and has struck a chord deep within me. She’s different than I am, but we get along great. Truly. 

She has an adoration of me I find intoxicating, and a way about her that is quite inviting. I really feel I click with her more than anyone else I have dated recently. 

We are taking things slowly in this process, and she is still apprehensive about being hurt. I don’t blame her. But that tells me she is holding back some big feelings. I want her to experience those safely with me. 

In time we will take another step. 

Levels

Things are progressing nicely towards our first physical meeting. I, unfortunately, am sick at the moment with a stomach bug, and have cancelled said meeting which was planned for today. The truth of why is the best part. First, the only way I can give her the bug would be to kiss her or to have her put her lips on something that had previously had my lips on it. As this was how I got it. However, she wanted to cancel the meeting because she wanted there to be”no restrictions” at our first meeting. Dang! First meeting? I was all ready to do a hand holding meeting for coffee first before even considering a next move. Nope, she wants zero restrictions. I’m pretty okay with that.

So now the plan is to drive up to Universal Studios and go to Harry Potter zone together. IF… it materializes, that would be a truly fun day. Expensive, but also very exciting and I’d get to spend it with a shockingly beautiful woman. My heart would barely be able to contain itself with her on my arm. She’s very interesting blog, and she has this idea of me that is truly flattering and makes me feel proud in a way. I know that’s who I am, but to see it renewed in her eyes and through her words is remarkable. It’s genuine adoration and interest.

She LIKES me blog, and I like her. She is someone who is similar me in some ways but vastly different in others. Those ways we contrast make us the unique people we are, and in those differences are countless memories and experiences from vastly different branches of development. We have these things to share with each other, not for the sake of contrast, but for education. I want to know what her life was like, so I can better understand the person she became because of it.  Kendra fascinates me deeply, and I am just starting to understand who she is. I have real emotions of fondness and lust growing towards her, with deep and powerful roots.

I don’t know what the future will hold but I am going to be fully enraged in exploring this new development in my life. I’m melting her into a puddle blog, I really am.

Parabolic

Today has been a day of extremes. Deep low this morning when I felt the acute sting of knowing Carly was out of the picture. Then dramatic improvement when Kendra came along, which has been trending up ever since. But, needless to say, I feel torn in different directions. I’m exhausted at this point from all the shifting. I’d like things to just flatten into a steady uphil climb. I want to work at building something of meaning with someone I could settle down with. I don’t want to date anymore. I want to find someone and have that be the end of the searching. Concluded. 

But this relationship is just getting started. We still have lots to learn. Hopefully it continues forward. Things are volatile this early on. 

Just Like That

I know you’re getting tired of hearing this, but I have started talking to someone new. Sigh. I know. What, are you doing now?

I didn’t start it really. More than two weeks ago she emailed me back after I asked her where she rode her motorcycle. I had told her of my trips to the desert, but after that, things stopped. I heard nothing until she was “interested” in me on Match today. At first I was like, “no, she made a mistake and accidentally clicked on me” because she had already ignored me once. On a whim I fired off a message asking why she had been “interested” me if she had ignored me before. And that was the catalyst, beginning a back and forth that transcended the chat service provided by Match to text and continued on into the day. We have been slowly conversing ever since, and things are unfolding in a dramatically different fashion than they did a few weeks ago.

The pace is less intense, which has calmed my approach. She is also a very different person than Carly was. Carly was more warm and effusive, Kendra is reserved and cautious and with good reason. I have been very clear in the past that things that do not concern me don’t equate into my evaluation of whether or not to be with someone. Things that matter consist of personality traits, motivation, attitude and curiosity. As my favorite examples. Things that do not matter such as weight, hair color, disabilities and or diseases.

I’m done fucking around at this point. If I don’t find “the one” then I’m going to stop looking and live my life alone. I think that might be best for my mental health. I said I’d give Match 6 months, and it broke my heart once already and may be doing it to me a gain for all I know. Kendra seems really neat, clever, and spunky. She’s direct and piercing as well as honest. She’s 26… 7 years difference between us. That’s how far apart my first wife Jen and I were when we got together, I was 23 and she was 30. I don’t know what that means. Maybe it means nothing since we are two totally different people in a new unique situation. Maybe it’s a good thing and will help us because of my love veteran status and my aged wisdom. She seems really down to earth and logical though.

To be honest blog, it’s good to be talking to someone again, someone who is interested in me. But I’m still reeling having been crying my eyes out this morning. I’m still feeling hurt, but at the same time, this new interest with Kendra is taking attention away from dwelling on my sad feelings. These new feelings feel much better. What would I rather spend my attention on, something new and exciting, or something cold and dead? I’m in charge of what my mind concentrates itself on, and I choose finding my love.

Check out this totally ironic post that just showed up in my recommendations. So relevant.

Caverns

Cold walls wet with dew,

A long darkness that stretches out–

Hesitant to take a step,

Mired in uncertainty and fear. 
The shadow of gloom,

Hanging heavy like a rain cloud,

Sinking in like a fanged wind–

Tearing down the center of warmth,

Pushing in until the fire is out. 
The emptiness aches,

Disappearing into the deep nothing–

Throttling passion,

A vase of roses hits the floor and shatters–

Only fragments remain if what had been. 
Another promise unfulfilled, 

Winding deep into the black,

Where no light can touch. 

Onward 

Well blog, I’m smashed into pieces today, but that won’t go on forever. I just need time to sulk and then I will be fine. Lonely, but fine. 

I’m here today feeling the ache of not having her to talk to. We got each other so worked up. Over and over. We had such a great thing building. But apparently she was never that in to me, definitely not worth keeping me around to find out. I thought I was wonderful; gallant and kind all the way through the courtship. I demonstrated the greatness of my outstanding self and I was rejected. I just have a feeling this was all a set up to get me out of the picture. It ended so abruptly. So unexpected given how good a time we seemed to have. We couldn’t stop hugging each other when I was going home. I smelled like her all the way back and I was in a wonderful dream where she was still with me. But that was an illusion. She didn’t have those feelings for me. 

My life is going forward. It hurts right now, but it will go up and out in a positive direction. I will keep looking until I find someone who really wants to love me, and build something of meaning with me too. I have so much love and happiness to give. I will not be taken for granted. I’m proud and strong. I have a flourishing independent life and I am accomplished in my career. I am the PRRFECT person to settle down with, I’m my opinion. I’m a great friend, an avid listener, a trusted ally and a tender lover. I have so much to offer, and so much to gain from the right match. I will push on despite how much it hurts, and I will find her. She’s out there waiting for me, and I will not stop looking until she is mine. 

Worst Valentine’s Day Ever

I woke up crying, and continued doing so right through my shower. I put on my work clothes and forced myself out the door because that’s what I must do to advance my life forward. Inside me, a place where love was growing is dead. Drained of its vital energy, all that remains is the empty shell of what could have been. I was feeling alive, and now something beautiful is gone. 

I’m sad and alone when I thought I was in the verge of something special. At this point, I’m tempted to just be her friend and hope she falls for me, but that whole process could still end in her not wanting me. I would be strung out only to be disappointed, like what happened this time. Fantastic evening… no closer to her than I was before, and she probably already had her mind made up that it wasn’t going to work before i even got there . She wanted to be fair and give me a chance but in reality there was nothing I could have done to convince her to be with me. She was already disconnecting, it would seem. Maybe she found someone more interesting to talk to and date. Who knows?

Well blog, today is a stark reminder of how alone I am. Also how alone I will likely continue to be. I’m still in my life and living it, but I am cold and sad. She was the one I really wanted. She fit me so perfectly. But that is over, and not coming back 

Over

After a short attempt at togetherness in person, my affiliation with Carly is again over, and pretty much for the same reason as the first time. I’m swooning, and she’s still mourning, and those two things don’t blend, apparently. Some lucky guy is going to find her when she wants a relationship and she will be off living my dream with someone else in not too long. It’s fucking torture when I feel so strongly about her, and she doesn’t have the same interest in me. I’m frustrated blog. I thought I had found someone I could build around, but she won’t have me. 

Right now I’m crying. I just had one of the best evenings I’ve had in a while, and it ended with me never talking to her again. I am lost. I was feeling so good, and now I am alone again. I’m crushed blog. All my happy feelings are gone and I feel a great emptiness inside me that was once full of life and color. She was something special blog, and I treasured her. 

I’m supposed to be asleep but I’m too sad to sleep. It was right there, at the tips of my fingers, and then it was ripped away from me. I don’t know what else to say. There’s not much to say in moments like this. When all the shattered bits of the beautiful thing I had lay all about me on the floor. I just wish she could have seen something in me worth keeping. Nothing I had to give was bigger than her sadness over her ex. Nothing I said made a difference. I’m out. I’m gone. I’m through with this shit. 

Temporary Realization

Maybe there isn’t anyone who can love me no matter what crazy shit I go through. No one who would understand my disorder and still love me anyway. Today things seem rather bleak given that we are at the bottom of the trough. 

But I have some optimism going forward and perhaps there will be another. If not, I still need to be okay just being with myself which I am getting better at. But there is much to learn, and I need time. This falling out with Carly has set me more sternly on the path of my independence. I know I can stay solvent out here on my own. I’ve paid my rent without assistance since I moved in. And covered al my bills. I’m functioning and capable. Now I need to prove I can stay stable. Which I feel I can do. 

Tonight though, things are very raw. I was close to having someone in my life again, and then that was gone. Now I’m reminded of the distinct feeling of being unloved. It might be because I’m just too unstable to be with anyone. Maybe someone is out there who can see past my disorder and love me for who I am regardless of what things happen. I’m a good man, and I deserve to love and be loved unconditionally. Through thick and thin. A partner who won’t let me go down. It’s a dream blog. That’s all it will ever be. There is no one like that. There never will be. But I still dream about what it would be like to feel that fulfilled in my life. A part of me that yearns to function would be fully realized. 

But I digress. Tonight is about getting in touch with inner me, and challenging myself. I’ve cried a lot, and probably will again soon. I am getting tired of looking blog. I’m a failure at relationships, I just have to admit. I’ve failed every time. Over a decade. I just can’t get it right. I think I’m on the verge of surrender. I’ll just go solo from here on out. I’m the only one I’m supposed to be concerned about. 

I’m going to see my family tomorrow. Andother area where there is a great deal of the right kind of love. I’ve neglected them of late because of Carly, to be honest. I just wanted her to be the right one. But now I’m going to see them for an afternoon. It will be good fun. 

This is probably goodnight. 

The End Of Now

My nearly two week long infatuation with Carly has come to an end. She is undecided about me and won’t commit to something more real, which has caused a rift. She is still ensnared in her past with her ex, and I remind her of him sometimes, which doesn’t help her forget him. She can’t advance with me, and she feels it would be best if she were alone. I think with her indecisiveness about someone so outstanding such as I am keeping her from making a decision, she needs to break all ties and turn inward. Or at least, that’s what she told me. 

But now I sit here alone again, realizing how solitary my life is, and I’m spiraling. The tears are pouring out of me because now she is gone, the one that was making me feel special. And blog, let me tell you, she made me feel so good. We would have been so sexually compatible it’s not even funny. She and I like it exactalky the same way. There were many things we had in common, and several ways we complimented each other. I was willing to bend my life into hers, and uproot myself. But alas blog, she is gone instead. I’m here in the dark with tears in my eyes because something beautiful was but a few inches away, and then it was ripped away. 

I’m not giving up my search for someone. I’ll continue to play the field until another lead turns up. Or doesn’t. After 6 months, I’m done looking. I’ll just go it solo. She might be out there, but I’m never going to find her. I don’t have much optimism right now, I feel depressed and alone. I just wish someone would love me. 

In Passage

None of us know when the next calamity will strike, and we also can’t go on living in its shadow. Anxiety creates the shackles that bind reason to suspicion. Thoughts reenforcing themselves in a downward turning spiral. Soon, there is no escaping it, leaving you only to dwell in the paranoid delusion you have been instrumental in helping to create. I personally do not desire to fall back into the pit, so I do everything I can to build positives in those situations instead of feeding the cycle. Like right now for instance, when I feel anxious about some things. I am aware of the weight of my thoughts pushing down on me, almost pleading with me to indulge them. I know this is folly, and I do the best I can. It’s fucking hard though. 

I take myself back to center. Who am I? What do I have to feel proud of? What do I believe in? If I can answer some core questions, then I’ve realized cognitively which occupation is more worthwhile. Torturing myself with scenario after scenario is not rewarding. Focusing on the positive things that make me who I am, yes, significantly better subject matter. It’s hard work, but doable. As I write this, I have successfully implemented that practice and feel at ease enough to go to sleep. Which is exactly what I’m going to do. Goodnight. 

Reconcile

I feel there is a lesson to be learned at every juncture, whether the situation is good or bad. From some of the most crushing defeats come moments of true humility and acceptance. Part of my introspective journey has been to map out myself and see where I am vulnerable. I know my emotions can lead to both highs and lows, so I’m careful to monitor. The score was helping me do that, but my mood hardly swings anymore. Things have become stable. So now I must look inward and see. Am I ready to be utterly defeated right now? How would I handle it? What lesson would there be to be gained? Am I not still a proud man who earns his way in the world? I am. I intend to go on being as such. So there is always a next step. A positive push forward. I truly think I have a lot to offer. My personality is one of a kind. I know these things about myself. They are who I am. And no matter what boon or calamity befalls me, I’m still going to step forward as myself and brave whatever the future has for me. In that future lies a truth; one that can shape the next action to avoid disaster. If I am observant and true to who I am, nothing can bring me down. 

Commencement

Monday’s are always hard for me blog. I struggle to get there, and when I am there, it’s grog city. Even after coffee now it seems, I still have a hard time waking up. So this morning was no different. 

But I got myself there. I spent my day busy at work while also texting Carly on the side. Talking to her has been very fun and positive. We are headed in an encouraging direction, despite her hesitancy. I know that good things will happen for her if she hangs around me. I really wish I could help her let go of her past, but maybe the more she sees how out-of-control fantastic I am, the memories of him might start to fade. 

More than anything though blog, I want to meet her. I want to hold her in my arms and breathe her in. That moment of tactile realization. I feel like she knows as well as I that we would be good together. Physically and mentally. We are two very similarly aligned people, and she’s already shown she’s observant. I think that we could build a really healthy relationship when the time came. I would think of it as an opportunity to grow and change with someone unique yet familiar. 

All told things are going great. Now here’s to hoping my pattern stays true. 

02/17 – Captivating Changes

This album was directly inspired by the litany of emotions I am going through in reference to Carly. It transitions from introductory feelings to a cooler silence of understanding and connection, which is replete with fire and passion. Compile the album and give it a listen to be truly in tune with my life experiences as of 5 days ago. It’s a bit soppy and mushy at times, but that’s how I am. This music really pulls my strings and gets me to feel things. It’s vital to understanding what I’m about.

Bold = The ones she copied to her playlist

  1. Cool Change – Little River Band
  2. Kodachrome – Paul Simon
  3. Biggest Part Of Me – Ambrosia
  4. You’re The Inspiration – Chicago
  5. Freedom 90 – George Michael
  6. The Promise – When In Rome
  7. More Than A Woman – Bee Gees
  8. Lovesong – The Cure
  9. Lady – Little River Band
  10. Secret Separation – The Fixx
  11. Tonight She Comes – The Cars
  12. Waves – Blondfire
  13. Reminiscing – Little River Band
  14. You Make My Dreams – Hall & Oates
  15. Eternal Flame – The Bangles
  16. No One Like You – Scorpions
  17. Panama – Van Halen
  18. Spiders – System Of A Down

Holy Crap!

Blog, things have been downright euphoric the last week. I’m engaging with someone who captivates me, and she is just as interested in my life and story. I can’t tell you in words how invigorating and sensational this whole thing has been. It goes beyond me.

Though, we are being smart about things and pacing ourselves. More she is being smart and I am overflowing with enthusiasm to have here here in my life. But I concur with the philosophy, and I support things that will help bind me to her in a permanent way. Trust and practice are key. 

I am leaning about her; every day truckloads more information come in. We are so alike it’s shocking. And yet we are different in some key, beneficial ways. We compliment each other with our areas of expertise. We are unique, yet share many of the same experiences. We both have our traumas, and have made mistakes. But she’s a beautiful human being, alive, vital and voluptuous. I’m so privileged to have the chance to interact with her. It has been an unbelievable blessing on my life. After all the hardship and disappointment, I have rapidly achieved a fresh start. I didn’t think it would happen so soon, but I am glad that it did. 

Discovery phase initiated. My spare time will be spent listening to an amazing person lay herself bare for me. And I to do the same for her. Discovery. Friendship. Growth. Things are looking good right now. Carly, I adore you, and am endlessly glad that you have come into my life. 

Someone

I’m going to run the risk that my ex isn’t keeping tabs on me, as something new and exciting has happened. I met someone. From Match, and we have been talking pretty extensively for a couple days. Our conversations have become more interesting as they go deeper. We are sharing, learning and caring mutually about each other in a way I never thought possible. At least, in a way I was not used to. She compared me to a celebrity in appearance. Me? This girl sees something in me, and she is interested. This is the type of bond I’d like to cultivate. Mutual respect, genuine attraction, intellectual discourse. It’s all good right now blog. Albeit, I still have a great deal to learn, but there is also time. We live 73 miles apart, which is not the sort of trip I can do in my truck. Gas and engine troubles would halt that. So we have factors that inhibit us getting too close right away. Things are bound to change give time and need. 

But things are exciting right now. I found someone like me! She’s had trauma in her past, but thinks more about what could be rather than what has been. We are embarking on a journey of friendship together, and who knows where it will lead. Signs are hopeful. Im happy right now blog, something new has begun!