Accomplishments

Today I’m working my ass off blog, despite my totally fucked up sleep schedule. I will top 12,000 steps by the time I’m ready for bed, and Fitbit says I walked 6.39 miles (but I don’t believe it). I think it was measuring my stride farther than it actually is. But either way, the steps count.

So I am loving this tracking my health thing. This is really how you stay on top of your shit. I know how much food goes in, how much energy I burn, What activities I do, and there are plentiful goals to accomplish. Today was a bit of an insane day since I’m going to have been awake for 18 hours by the time the night is through. I just need to find ways to keep myself awake so that I don’t completely fuck my sleep schedule.

Today I feel empowered. I’m talking to a great girl, my energy level is already starting to pick up, and my mood is going right along with it. There’s too much good shit in the future to go back into the past. My life goes on, and into brighter days. I have always liked Carly, that’s no secret. I’m continuing to like her more.

So this was a good start. Instead of sitting in my truck on break I’m walking 2,500 steps. Instead of sitting on the couch all night I’m doing muscle building exercises and lifting my medicine ball. I know I used to be fully in charge of my show, and frankly, I haven’t been in a very long time. I have always let the physical part go, as I undervalued it’s importance in the mental health picture. If my body is healthy and active, I’m giving my brain the best conditions in which to operate. An ideal environment, working properly and well balanced. That is my goal blog, to get fit, and arrive at a place where I can both observe and deal with my mental health as well as my continue to improve my physical fitness. If I’m ever going to be in a relationship again, I have to do so as a fully assembled person. I need to be in charge of who I am.This is where I make my stand.

Well I think I’m not going to push myself any further tonight. Tomorrow I’ll do my four laps and sprinkle in some planking. Once I’ve had a good night’s rest.

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Affirmations

Sometimes you just need a boost in the right direction, and you can’t always count on the outside world to provide it to you. Arguably, those external affirmations are somewhat less valuable since that are not procured internally, but the variety that implies self-confidence are still very important.

Today, for example, I am here on my couch getting ready for work and thinking to myself: “today is going to be a good day because I am in a good place in my life right now.” I also believe that I am a strong man who is vital and beautiful (not in a physical sense), and deserves to be appreciated and adored. I also believe I am kind, loving and genuine. I have some really truly outstanding qualities that can be appreciated by the right person.

I know I am headed in the right direction. I am taking full control of my life and my fate, and I will decide how this story goes. Granted, there are factors beyond my control at many different points along the way, but the things I can do something about I will, in order to better myself and build my confidence as I walk through the world. I am being personally responsible and dedicated to the cause of improving my self worth (which is a huge task for someone who suffers from bipolar depression).

Do I know what’s coming? No fucking way. What I can do, however, Is walk into the future bravely and with the assurances I have provided myself affirming my positive outlook on the uncertainty that has yet to unfold. I’ll make the most out of whatever hand is dealt to me, you can count on that. Just as I have done in the past, and as recently as my falling out with Kendra, I am absorbing the positive message in calamity and embracing the lesson it has to teach me. I’d be a fool to throw everything away, because the moral of failure is how to not fail again the same way, and how to improve as a person going forward from the point of destruction.

Affirmations are important, especially when they come from someone you trust (like yourself). It’s nice to get them externally, but that can’t be counted on. Most people don’t share their feelings the way I do, so expecting an equal exchange is a tad far-fetched. Carly is very open, but I know she is also a far more cautious and timid person than I am, yet the ingredients for superb communications are all there. We already have a high level discourse, but haven’t made the trust leap just yet. Affirmations from Carly are significant as well, but still not as powerful yet as the ones I derive for myself… and really, shouldn’t that ALWAYS be the case? You can’t count on people from the outside to build you up; the construction of self-confidence comes from within. External is garnish, the meat is a self-driven rise of belief that one can be proud of who they are regardless of what they have been through.

It’s a relevant topic, and something that has been on my mind ever since Kendra. I do believe I am headed in a significantly more positive direction than I was a few days ago.

The Revenge Of The Insomniac

Well it’s 2:15 am blog and here I am wide awake suffering the fate of my own follies. I was the one who decided to double my exercise yesterday, and I was the one who ran out of ways to distract myself so that I would stay awake. Now look at me: up since 12:45 and spent in attempts to go back to bed.

Fitbit told me i got 5 hours and 43 minutes of sleep, which is pretty good in my book. Not ideal, but not crap. It was my fault for going to bed when I did.

I was hoping to chat with Carly but she disappeared around 6 or so and by the time she reappeared at 8:45 I was long gone. Her phone didn’t alert her to my messages, so we missed each other. There’s still a whole day ahead of me full of talking with Carly that I have to look forward to nonetheless. I must say blog, I am truly enjoying this rekindled fire that I have with her. I’m feeling significantly more emotionally bonded to Carly than I was to Kendra. We have had a substantial sum of conversation above and beyond my brief interlude with Kendra. I feel like I know Carly better, in fact, I know her well enough to get her past confused with Kendra’s past since Kendra really didn’t give me all that much to ponder. My head was full of Carly, needless to say.

Well I’m blogging at 2 in the morning. Sigh. I wish I had planned things better so that this sort of moment would not happen on a weekday. A lesson was learned here this Tuesday.

About The Future

This is a tough subject because many variables are still at play. Personally though, the things that are in my control I want to fully address. The rest of it I will need to play on-the-fly. 

Starting off with good mental health. I’m back doing regular therapy again, which is a terrific boost for my mood and introspective capabilities. Margaret and I have good conversations and she points out things I hadn’t taken the time to consider. It’s usually informative to say the least. Plus I’m doing really well on 1500 mg of Lithium Carbonate. 

Sitting here in my bed writing this post, I am tempted to become sad over recent events in my life. In this moment, I am choosing not to downspiral. I am strong, proud and emotionally mature as a person and I should   be treated with respect and compassion. I will not subject myself to anything less than what I deserve. So as I was starting to get sad, I reminded myself of just how fantastic I am. Is she can’t appreciate me for who I am, I’m finding someone who does. 

Is it odd that I’m so nerded out by my Fitbit? I think data collection is fantastic, and data collection about ME is even better. I feel like the subject of a long-term experiment. I like it. 

I kinda wore myself out with double my normal exercise today. I’m retreating to bed well before it is appropriate. I can’t wait to wake up and see my numbers from overnight. I also will be looking forward to clicking an entire day’s worth of walking. My step count for today is pathetic. 

I’m having a good time with Carly, and it’s helping to lift me out of the sadness I was feeling. She keeps reminding me, more and more, what a great girl can be like. She’s responsive, funny, understanding, sensual and interesting. I am greatly enjoying the time we are spending together. There’s not enough of it quite frankly. We both have busy lives and live in different counties. It’s going to be hard to make something work, but if we do fall for each other, it is something I believe we can do. I can imagine building something with her. It seems like it would be a journey through the fire, but the rewards could be beyond imagining. If she really is as honest and caring as she seems, I’m not letting her get away.

Much remains to be seen. This is only the start of the story.  

In The Beginning…

Well blog, I really wanted to get things off to the right start after my lethargic weekend of moping and crying. I wasn’t about to let that carry over in to Monday, and that worked out perfectly. I woke up feeling fine, and ready to get going. I did a 3/4 day in the office then took my work home and got SUPER productive before my time ran out. That felt good.

I got my Fitbit today and did double my normal exercise just to see the numbers come in. I did 2 miles on the elliptical, and two sets of muscle building exercises, and let me tell you, I feel great. I was sweaty, feeling charged-up and really excited to be keeping close track of my physical health. I’m going to start using my breaks to walk .5 mile around the circuit at work and improve my step count. All in all, I’m very excited to be taking control of this aspect of my life. For too long have I let my body go to shit, and the result is poor energy and deteriorating mental health. Those days are over, and now we go up.

I’m thinking a little about Kendra, and I guess that’s to be expected. Things with Carly are right back to where they left off about two weeks ago, but I’m sensing the Kendra story may not be done yet. She is still looking at my profile on Match, which really makes no sense. If she had something to say, she could just text me. As per the usual, I have no clue what’s going on in her head, but undoubtedly she’s pissed at me because I am probably a jerk for wanting to talk about my feelings openly and be responded to with acceptance and compassion.

Carly on the other hand is a superb communicator, and the way we have dialogue is very even and easy. We laugh at each other, make jokes, interpersonal references, you name it. We are, above and beyond, better at communication than Kendra and I ever were. Carly hears me, and she understands my feelings and the words that deliver them. She is open and welcoming, while sincere and honest. There are just so many reasons to like Carly. The formula for a successful relationship is there, it just needs time to become itself. I have a feeling this will happen at some point down the road. My every intent is to find more ways to enmesh my life with hers. She is worth fighting for.

Good times in the self-care department and on the external front as well. Every new day brings me one opportunity closer to changing my life for the better. I am determined to build a healthy and happy me, and then go looking to make a healthy and happy partnership. Hopefully time is the only variable left to consider.

Anyway, today, as I had hoped, was the start of a new chapter. Giddyup.

Crumble

Well my emotions are finally catching up to me blog. I’m stricken by the though of Kendra alone and abandoned in the world. I really liked many things about her, and I mourn the loss of those things. Her assertive attitude and social ambition. I liked her dedication to the things she loved, and her positive outlook. Now I’m here in tears remembering all the reasons I got with her, and how all of that was undone by a greater sum of ugliness.

I had hope, and that hope is dead. It’s hard to have something like that die inside you. The echo and ache of it remains long after the event has passed. I have moved my life forward several steps, but my pain is still there. We had sex blog, and that’s a big deal for me to be close to someone like that and then have to cut them loose. I get attached with sex, and she was really not that way. I had only been with 7 women, and she had been with close to 40 different guys. Mentality difference.

My feelings went unacknowledged and ultimately rejected. I know I made the right choice but I still hurt because I did care for her, and I did want to be with her and be a part of her adventurous life. I must now let these things go. I must release her from my heart because there is no going back.

So George Michael – Older really pushed me over the edge. Fastlove, Spin The Wheel and others delivered gut blow after gut blow until I was in tears. The ache of loss is never any easier no matter how many times it has happened.

Well I’m feeling a bit better. I still stand by my logic, but my emotions play their own game by their own rules. I have to allow time for them to be realized fully, not ignored or partitioned.

What Happens Next?

I’m not confident in the future at this moment because many things remain obfuscated by variables beyond my control. I guess that’s usually the case, but I feel more uncertain about things since I am in a transition. I was feeling confident and stable with Kendra, but that was undermined over the course of three days and eventually destroyed. I was under the impression things were going to be okay at first, but the hints and clues started to pile up as the clock continued to tick forward. I figured it out eventually, but this one stung because there were a lot of good things about her that I will miss.

An important point of comparison: when Carly told me on the night of the 13th that she couldn’t be with me and wasn’t ready for a next step, I cried my fucking eyes out the next morning as I got ready for work. I was devastated. I just called things off with Kendra and have felt sad for approximately 2 minutes, and shed not a single tear. Why? Because I actually was able to emotionally bond with Carly and Kendra stayed remote and distant; an environment in which feelings don’t develop well.

However, Carly is a much better fit for me and I have always known that. My only issue was that Carly wasn’t ready on the 13th and Kendra pounced 1 day later. I mourned, but I was rapidly distracted. My feelings were still uncorked for Carly as there was no point in which I was resolved and not feeling anything for her. I still had her on my mind, that night we had together and all the words we had shared. I was left wondering what the hell could have happened, if we had been given the chance.

Now we are back forging ahead as to adults who are dating from across county lines. I know there are several really important things she has that Kendra was lacking that are fundamental to out compatibility. Carly has sympathy for my mental illness, and is very open and thoughtful about it. Carly and I share the same passion for music, and of the same types as well. Carly and I have talked 200% more than Kendra and I did, and I know more about her than I did with Kendra by far because Carly is the superior communicator of the two. These are just the first few major issues I was drawn to initially compare.

Point being, the hope for a healthy relationship is significantly higher than it was with Kendra. I am very fortunate that things worked out this way and that I was not fucked out of a chance to date someone really special.

I’m cautiously optimistic, but fearful of the unknowns that lie ahead nonetheless.