Temporary Realization

Maybe there isn’t anyone who can love me no matter what crazy shit I go through. No one who would understand my disorder and still love me anyway. Today things seem rather bleak given that we are at the bottom of the trough. 

But I have some optimism going forward and perhaps there will be another. If not, I still need to be okay just being with myself which I am getting better at. But there is much to learn, and I need time. This falling out with Carly has set me more sternly on the path of my independence. I know I can stay solvent out here on my own. I’ve paid my rent without assistance since I moved in. And covered al my bills. I’m functioning and capable. Now I need to prove I can stay stable. Which I feel I can do. 

Tonight though, things are very raw. I was close to having someone in my life again, and then that was gone. Now I’m reminded of the distinct feeling of being unloved. It might be because I’m just too unstable to be with anyone. Maybe someone is out there who can see past my disorder and love me for who I am regardless of what things happen. I’m a good man, and I deserve to love and be loved unconditionally. Through thick and thin. A partner who won’t let me go down. It’s a dream blog. That’s all it will ever be. There is no one like that. There never will be. But I still dream about what it would be like to feel that fulfilled in my life. A part of me that yearns to function would be fully realized. 

But I digress. Tonight is about getting in touch with inner me, and challenging myself. I’ve cried a lot, and probably will again soon. I am getting tired of looking blog. I’m a failure at relationships, I just have to admit. I’ve failed every time. Over a decade. I just can’t get it right. I think I’m on the verge of surrender. I’ll just go solo from here on out. I’m the only one I’m supposed to be concerned about. 

I’m going to see my family tomorrow. Andother area where there is a great deal of the right kind of love. I’ve neglected them of late because of Carly, to be honest. I just wanted her to be the right one. But now I’m going to see them for an afternoon. It will be good fun. 

This is probably goodnight.