Disintegration

And just like that, it was over. We had a fundamental disagreement about how she should be handling my anxiety and that caused a rift which could not be repaired.

My main complaint was that arguing with me, becoming outraged and exasperated were not appropriate responses to my anxiety manifesting. She would call me out, lecture me on how I should not have anxious thoughts, and I would end up begging for forgiveness. After the fourth time this happened, I called her out on it. I insisted that if I am anxious the best response is compassion and logic, of which she was not willing to apply. So there we have a rift: I can’t magically be any less mentally ill and subject to my anxieties, and she was too stubborn to change how she related to me. I told her that if she didn’t change, I’m walking and that’s exactly what I did when she finally refused to “coddle” me.

So to be honest, I’m feeling fine. When things end on a point of contention as major as this, I don’t get hurt feelings over the relationship collapsing. This point would have made it impossible for us to be together, and her lack of interest in showing me her feelings was the first sign of things to come.  I had a bad feeling this would happen, and I was right.

Now I need to prepare myself for life as a solo project. The good news about this whole thing is that I have been sparked to improve myself physically as well as mentally. I ordered a FirBit and will be working out 5 days a week or more until I make my target weight of 190. Eventually, I will get there.

For now, new direction, here we go.

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