Processing

I am sitting here tonight just going over all the bullshit that went down today. I believe I made the right call and I could have made it sooner, quite frankly. I didn’t think this was going to work out and I was right. Nevertheless, I’m in my apartment on a Saturday night alone with my thoughts. Maybe tonight IS a good night to process, because I’m going through some pretty dramatic changes.

I was feeling a lot of care and attraction to Kendra, but the more I saw of her emotional self the more worried I became. Frankly, she’s a fucking tough chick, and maybe even more macho than I am. She rides a Harley for fuck’s sake. I was willing to learn so much about her, but she never showed any interest at all in learning about me. My hobbies and passions were never discussed or explored. The whole arrangement was wrong, and there’s a chance I might have Herpes. Not as though that’s a catastrophic thing, I already take a bunch of pills every day, what’s one more? Sometimes you get lucky, other times you get fucked. I’m going in on Wednesday for a test either way.

On the swinging pendulum we ride. I have promptly (before someone came along to snatch her up) contacted Carly. Frankly I had almost zero emotional response to Kendra because of the way she chose to stand her ground and let me walk. Contacting Carly seemed like the logical thing to do, considering her I promised I would not forget about her. My feelings for her haven’t gone anywhere, I just had to bury them on the 13th when we split and Kendra came along. But now Kendra is out of the picture, so my feelings have a chance to unfold slowly. I want to walk down the road with someone, as long as they are willing to help me process and care for me. I’m looking for that blog. I won’t stop until I find it, or my clock runs out.

Making small steps still, but continuing to head in a positive direction. Speaking of optimistic things, there is something of benefit I will take from all of this Kendra stuff: the importance of a mastery of my physical body. I will be continuing on with the same vigor I had when she originally inspired it. I think it’s time to take control and get down to the me I want to be. I want to be strong again, and feel that life back in my body. I remember how good it felt to just be pumped, sweaty and on fire. I want to get back to that.

Well there are clearly plenty of things on my mind right now, and this will likely not be the last blog post.

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