Monthly Archives: March 2017

Symptomatic 

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

I’m depressed blog, and have been for the past few days. I’ve missed work since Thursday and have little to no energy or desire for anything. Even the fun things aren’t fun anymore. I feel distant and removed from the care of others. I’m tired all the time in my head and body. Generally, my reality has slowed to a crawl, and the anguish of each passing moment continues. 

I don’t want to leave my bed or talk to anyone. I just need to hide here for a while and recuperate. I have 3 days to rebound before I have to go back to work. My life is missing a lot of pieces right now, or at least, that’s what it feels like. I do not feel complete. 

There’s not much to say really. I’m here in this state and it’s up to me as to how I get back out of it. I don’t know that anyone would be able to help me, so I can only depend on myself. That’s the way it is going to be. 

I want to be loved, soothed and reassured. I want someone to rub my back and give me a hug. Instead, I will need to find a way to soothe myself. Even the remedy for my depression is depressing. 

Weight

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and many anxious thoughts to go along with them. My family wants to move back to Sacramento so they can be with my sister and her son (in August). They want me to come too. 

How smoothly I would be able to make the transition? The more I think about it the more rife with peril it is. My mom wants me to come live on her dime while I find work. I can’t do that from a strictly moral standpoint. I’m an adult, and I make an income. I will not be a dependent. That’s a road that leads straight to loss of identity and depression. What if it drags on? Then what? This situation presents many problems that there aren’t solutions for. 

At least for the foreseeable future, I invision myself here. I’m stable here. I have a job with status. I make more than I ever have in my life. Giving all of that up is pretty dramatic, and in exchange for a very unstable circumstance. I want to be there at this special time for my family, but I don’t see how they can ask me be, being who I am. I am constantly cost benefitting this situation. My results have been pretty consistent, as has the tone of this post. 

I think I need my independent life. I have never really had it, and now I want to nurture it. I’m surviving out here. I’m so fucking proud of that. I want to continue to show myself that I can hang in the real world. You can’t ask me to push the reset button and move half way across the state. My whole life would change, and I can’t handle that thought right now. I’m already doing so much to get myself right…

Blog, I’m very torn. My psychologist said I should do what’s best for my mental health. Yeah thanks. Very insightful. My only course is just to keep on going. My lease isn’t up until November. I don’t have to make a decision until then, even though I think I already have. 

These thoughts and the anxieties they create have been my anguish of late. Hopefully rest tonight pacifies them. 

Union

by in Creative Writing and tagged , , , , , , ,

Fingers,

Tenderly through damp hair,

Along the soft curve of her neck–

Lost in deep pools of blue.

Somewhere in that moment–

When in union,

Entwined in the act,

Eyes that drive into the soul–

Laid bare and exposed,

Dripping and moving,

Two worlds become one.

The wells of her beauty,

Captivated in her many places,

Those precious seconds,

Given gladly in adoration.

 

Firmly

by in Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , ,

I feel on remarkably good footing lately, in terms of my mental functionality. There are all the ingredients to instability here, but I am not indulging a collapse. In fact, I am utilizing this opportunity to get stronger. 

There is a lot of raw fuel for trouble laying around: are my parents moving away in the winter? Will my arrangement with Carly become more permanent? Do I like the way I am leading my life right now? It’s up to me to balance these questions and not tip the scales with anxiety or projections. I am a responsible adult and fully capable of making rational assessments and choosing what I get worked up about. 

This brings me to my confidence level. Right now, I feel great about the person I am. I am genuinely proud of what I have been able to accomplish given my circumstance. I’m not going to let one undecided question tear all of that down. I am in control. Even if things in my life remain undecided, the anxiety will not shred me. Life is full of unanswered questions. 

So I plow forward in the world knowing who I am and finding ways to succeed. I am confident I will persevere despite ambiguity. This is the test for me; maintain my form despite forces trying to tear it apart. 

I’m having a Good Friday blog. Going to see my parents tonight and we are set to have a fantastic time, as we always do. A nice, long and restful two days off up ahead has me in a great mood. Just got to slog through today and then cut loose to freedom. 

I hope you have a Friday depleted of stress and replete with happiness and smiles. Optimism rules. 

A Good Talk

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Carly and I had a very frank and realistic discussion together today and we went over our current “relationship” and what it means for each of us. I was greatly reassured by this discussion and ever the more interested in getting close to Carly. She struck down some of my anxieties about how she felt, and gave our situation the perfect description: “more than friends.” That’s what it is really, and it’s very good to be more than friends with her.

My anxieties stem from paranoid suspicions and misinterpreted facts. The main concern was that I thought that even though she was busy, she still didn’t really want to talk to me. That was quickly dispatched with reassurances to the contrary. Her life has become temporarily busy with family and friends, and I understand that. She does want to talk, she just can’t as often.

I don’t really want to think about the future, as this tends to be the realm of anxiety. Instead, I want to think about now, and how rapidly I can get some Carly over here. I’m going to do everything I can to spend time with that girl blog. I will not let this situation fall apart because of a lack of effort on my part. I have an ultimatum: I must see Carly before end of day Sunday. The more time I spend with her, the better I feel. The deeper we talk, the more I grow to admire her. She is living as a proud, independent woman, and I fully support that! That’s something I can look up to; a person with goals and dreams and a will to get there. Why wouldn’t I want to spend my time around that?

 

I hope that by adding me to her life, I will help make it more possible for her goals to become a reality (either directly or indirectly). That is my ultimate hope. I want her to stay a vibrant and independent woman, but also choose to have me around too. If things coalesce, then I will be happy. So that is what I am going to keep in my mind, and work towards with my actions.

Carly

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

It has been a while since I wrote directly about Carly. To be honest, my feelings in this area are a tad turbulent because of the unstable footing I find my self on. We are holding in a pattern of intimate friendship, but I feel like our bond is weakening even as my feelings for her grow stronger. I enjoy spending time with her, whether we are just chatting or if we are actually together. I know that, especially lately, her time is highly limited. I am doing the best I can to maintain a healthy interaction with her going forward but it has been hard.
I see the road we are on, but I don’t know where it leads. This has caused me to be nervous that I could just as easily be cut loose as I could be asked to stay on board. I have started reaching out to other women on Match, but my heart really isn’t in it. I still have feelings for Carly, but I don’t know if she will ever be ready to date me. I can’t put all my eggs in one basket. As a responsible adult, I mist keep my options open in case Carly finds someone she would rather try to date.
It’s an interesting time blog. I have a lot of feelings that would very much like a stable place to grow, but can’t be afforded one yet. I am not going to date anyone else while I am seeing Carly with an intimate component to out relationship. In my mind, I’m still dedicated to giving her the first shot. The opportunity to be my partner will run out eventually, and if no progress has been made, then I will disconnect from Carly physically and just try being her platonic friend. I can’t wait around forever, but I can hang on a long time.
I only hope I get the proper respect I deserve in this situation, as a proud man who deserves adoration and attention. I will not be happy until I have found that. Hopefully my ongoing enthusiasm for Carly and the life she and I could live together continues to grow and build strength. I want to try and make something with her, but I need her to be ready for that at some point. We will just have to wait and see.

Who

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

I often wonder if I am living a good enough life; as though I were being evaluated for my use of the gift of existence. Did I have a good life? Was I ever truly happy? 

I doubt myself based on my past, and this makes me think skeptically for the future. I don’t trust my life the way it is now. I feel like there’s one string somewhere out there, that when pulled, will unravel everything. It’s happened before so I can expect it will happen again. It’s not something I know will transpire, but fear will be my doom someday. I live forever in the shadow of that fear and there’s nothing I can do about it. 

In light of recent events, I wanted to take the time to speculate about my own life. This reality I have here, is it enough? Is there something I’m missing? When I look inwards, I see a man who can carry himself forward in the world but hasn’t come into that role fully. I’ve only had a few years of being stable to practice, but I am practicing. 

My life has become about harnessing the power I have within me to direct the course of where I am headed. I want a bright and promising future, and that’s exactly what I will try to make for myself. Is this all under my control? No it’s not, but I can push it forward as best I can, and hope events unfold in my favor. Sometimes the future is about chance. 

I’m feeling more isolated and alone than ever, and I need to get used to that feeling. I am all I can depend on in this life. I am very likely to end up alone going forward, or at least, be prepared to face things as though that were the case.

Self-reliance comes from a place of inner strength, one that I am still developing. Someday I want to be in full control of my independent self, and that is a goal I work towards every day. If you read this blog, surely you will see me fail and succeed at different points along the way. I have little doubt if that. My question remains, will you see me crumble, or get up off the floor and try again? 

Resting

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , ,

I was off my feet today for the most part because, holy shit, I needed a break. Work, social and physical realms have all been costing a great deal of energy. It’s up to me to manage that better, but sometimes I just need a day to recover. I’m still with the bug so I’m back to a nearly liquid diet. My point being, the energy level is already low not to mention the side-effects of a restricted diet. So I’m taking this time to recharge my batteries and gather my strength for the week ahead. I will get past the bug in the next few days I believe and that should help. Mainly though, I want to just take it easy while also being responsible for my shit. Relaxation does not take ultimate priority. 

I watched science shows and did housework. I know, so fucking exciting!!!! I don’t need exciting right now I just need stable. Practicality affords me the strength to have a decent future because it keeps me from spending energy I can’t afford to. Sometimes I try to add too many things onto my life and I become crushed under the weight of it. I’ve been pretty good about not doing that lately though. Right now I feel pretty steady, but I recognize the difficulty involved at maintaining this level. It’s something I want to do because it is really hard. Hard things are great because I feel proud when I do them, and that builds me up inside. 

Pride is important because it’s real and no one can take it from me. I really did do all those great things over the years, and I believe they have made me a better man than I was. So too have my mistakes, but indirectly. I know life is difficult, but that’s the way it is. I intend to face it head-on. 

Tonight the confidence battery is also recharging. I’m pumping good thoughts through my brain and I’m headed to bed in the right frame of mind. I hope sleep takes you as peacefully as I will be. 

Quieting The Storm

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

So blog, it has been a revealing last couple days. Mainly, I’m coming to realize just how powerful my anxiety really is. I have been batting physical symptoms at work where my heart rate picks up, my blood gets hot, I have racing thoughts and I feel a tremendous pressure on my chest. I have been leaving work for a few minutes when this is happening acutely and going for a walk. Physical exertion usually takes care of the most painful symptoms, leaving me to manage the thoughts without all the pressure. Even in the management of the anxious process, I still need a substantial amount of practice. 
I have decided to genuinely relax my approach to many things in my life. I will be letting events unfold naturally without having to feel like I need my input involved. I need to let go of the farce of control that I have attempted to exert on myself and my situation. There is no control beyond oneself, and the faster one accepts this the less painful life will become. People come and go, situations unfold dealing calamity or joy, but there is no stopping any of it. The cycle is just as incessant as the tides, which are also well beyond my ability to manipulate. 
This realization has set me free in a lot of ways: mainly, that I don’t need to spend time festering on a bad thought that isn’t getting any better no matter how long I sit and think about it. Second, that there are thing in my power that I can do to help combat the symptoms of anxiety and not allow them to propagate further. I feel much less worried the last few days, despite there being an unprecedented level of ingredients for trouble laying around. I have done well to rationalize, exert and meditate my way out of bad spots, and I hope to continue doing so as time and situations unfold. There is still a lot hanging on out there, but none of it I have any control or say over.
I am doing the best I can and no how to cope. I have never really had serious anxiety, but my panic attacks are very real, sudden and irritating. I need to establish a way of coping with them that is natural and not smoking a bowl by default. That is a solution, but not a very beneficial or long-term one. Once it wears off, I’m right back in the same spot I was in before. However, if I process and cope with what I am feeling, the anxiety is disarmed and doesn’t come back in the same way. It tends to find a new thing to worry about and then i go back to coping again. The cycle goes on and on this way, and hopefully, takes me away from the acute suffering I have been going through of late and does not simply distract me from it for a half an hour.
Everything will be fine if I stick to my defenses. There’s no way anxiety can own me if I own it first. 

The Process

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I have had a very in depth conversation with Carly which has stretched over hours, and we have come to the conclusion that we are friends who have a lot of physical chemistry. This puts an end, like I had mentioned in a deleted rant, to my boyfriend pressure. I didn’t have to terminate just clarify what our roles could be. So now we are friends who are attracted to each other and are rapidly growing more bonded to each other as well. I feel a place growing inside me that is only hers, and the unique way she makes me feel. I was not thinking clearly this morning and I was upset and ranting about it. I’m sorry for anyone that caught it before I took it down. Sometimes, I just need to stop and think for a few minutes before taking action. This is part of the lesson I have to learn from this situation. I have been emotionally pulled a bit, but clarity has arrived to ease the pressure of progression from my shoulders. I’m just going to let go, and allow things to happen as they will, not as I want. The rest of the lesson is just that, patience. If it is a good thing, it will continue to be so. There’s nothing I can do here but to be myself and live my life the way I had always intended to. With a natural progression, not by some regimented schedule. I have always sought control to appease my anxiety, but now I know that control hasn’t made the anxiety any better, and now my life is ridiculous because I’m trying to manage all these different things that are still ultimately out of my control.

It’s a cycle I need to be aware of, and start taking preventative steps to ensure it won’t gain the high ground on me again. I need to get back to that core principle of mindfulness, that momentary calm of simple breathing that cuts the chatter and brings it all to center. All I really need to do is remember to take a few deep breaths when handed a situation and instead of blurt something out, give pause to consideration. This deliberative moment can completely change the reaction that was about to happen had one not put the mental breaks on everything. It has saved me in the past, when properly implemented. However, I would say I have about an 75% fail rate in direct implementation of this practice. It’s up to me to embody the change I seek, and I need to alter the way I have been doing things lately. I think my physical health is improving, but there is still some mental work to be done here as well. Clearly.

Introspection is a powerful tool. It helps me see things inside myself because I am honest at all intervals. It works if one is willing to lay it all out there and process the whole fucking thing. Humility is a key virtue in this, because you don’t feel shame for your missteps, you just accept them and try harder next time. I believe we all have a lot to learn just by digging deep behind our own eyes. Introspection helps me find ways to improve as a person, and has been instrumental in my rise to stability.

I do caution you that being TOO introspective is also not useful. Keep digging and bad stuff will come up, and if you are a person with depression this can easily make things worse. A songwriter had a poignant quote:

“it ain’t good to stare inside yourself too long, for every true thing there’s one more lie…” -Bob Welch

If you know the song that quote is from I’m impressed with you sir or madam.

Anyway, look at all the great shit introspection can do!

Listing Starboard

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

It has been a rough couple of days blog. My physical self is in torment right now, with vomiting, liquid stool, huge issues thermoregulating and fatigue. I left work early today because I was shivering under the air conditioner vent above my desk, uncontrollably. Then I went outside and within five steps I’m sweating and overheating. Not good. Fortunately, some of these symptoms have dissipated since the start of the day. I haven’t vomited in a while or had anything to shit out since I have eaten nothing today. In the event that I do have an intestinal bug, the strategy is starvation. The bug will die if there is no food to eat. It usually takes 48 hours of fasting to accomplish this. That’s what I’m in store for. 

Couple that with an unprecedented level of physical activity and you have my current plight all neatly summed up. I am running on fumes today, but I have still logged 12,000 steps and there will be a few thousand more added on for good measure. I’m in another competition on Fitbit. I just owned the 1 day step goal challenge with 13,756 out of a needed 10,000. I was atop the leaderboard again. This physical thing has indeed been very rewarding, but I am feeling some wear-and-tear on my body and energy level. I’m not replenishing my daily fuel, I’m just burning what little I have available and then hitting the reserve tanks, hard. Eventually those tanks will be empty too and then I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I can’t function on no energy. It’s just the truth. Burning reserve fat is a good source, but fat energy is less efficient as consumed calories. Plus it takes 1,000 years to make a significant dent in body fat without going exercise apeshit (a point I don’t think I will be arriving st anytime soon). I think once I fully acclimate to this new physical life, things will stabilize. Haven’t lost any weight though, in fact, I put on two pounds. 

I need to talk to Margaret for verification that nothing psychosomatic is happening to me because of my mental health. I don’t think that I’m expressing my poisonous thoughts on my body, but perspective is always helpful. Anxiety has been torturing me lately, pushing me to the brink of panic attacks multiple times a night. I emailed her per Carly’s suggestion and hopefully I can talk to her this weekend and we can figure some of this shit out. 

Right now my body is not a great place to be. I need rest, above all else. Time will have me feeling better in not too long. Things like this feeling come and go. Perseverance, patience, and everything will be fine. 

Momentum

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Blog, things are headed in a positive direction and I am encouraged. I feel like I am in firm control of my life and gladly redirecting it to interact with another. Carly and I spent the night toghether Friday night, and although we didn’t have sex (or oral), we expressed our desire to do so physically. It was extrodinarily erotic and a moment of bonding that I feel very strongly about. It took great trust on her part to put herself in that situation. I definitely wanted to have sex since I was so worked up, but talking about what you want is vastly different than expecting or demanding it. I like to express my thoughts, which is a means of actualizing my passion. Helps to reassure anxiety too. Now there is no doubt what I’m ready for. What WE were/are ready for. 

We talked and touched until 1 in the morning, got 3 measly hours of sleep and then I popped awake… thank you biological alarm. I started making coffee, that, and my pouncing on her, caused Carly to be awake as well. We talked some more. She was tired and I was a shit head for waking her up. However, she needed to leave by 8 she said which we were barely on time for even when I woke us up. The extra time talking was also really valuable. She got home safe and I’m certain we will be doing this again soon. 

I am feeling pretty nominal. I would say I have genuine interest in becoming more comfortable with Carly, but I’m still progressing through the development of my feelings. I care about her because she is a person who excites me and who deserves to be; she lives her life in a morally honest and good way that is so rare in this world. I respect and admire people like that. She is someone I’m attracted to, very deeply, and we seem to have the right physical chemistry. I need time to be consistent with her, and have her be the same to me. We need to survive turbulence and disagreement while also getting stronger because of it. It’s those types of signs that will unlock my emotions further. I need to trust this. Partly why I wanted sex so badly is that I wanted the seriousness it brings. I want the security of having made that special connection with her that can never be taken away. I would feel more trust and safety, but I am also fine with having those things develop naturally in time. It just appeases my anxiety if I have certainty faster. 

I have a lot waiting to be explored blog, but I am also doing this the right way. I’m not going apeshit and demanding dramatic action (or taking it). I’m pacing my emotional development in accordance with a healthy level of trust accumulation and the construction of the bonds of friendship. I want to get to those emotions, because I know how good they feel when they are all lit up. It’s like no drug on Earth, I’m sure. Love is the greatest feeling in all of reality, but it can only thrive if it is built from a healthy foundation. If done too hastily, the house will not stand for long. Patience builds the stronger structure that will endure the test of time. 

I have a lot left to learn, but it seems like things are headed in a good direction. I need to talk with Will today and get a reality check. I need to know if I’m okay right now and he can give me a baseline. I have a feeling he’s going to find no reason to be concerned but I need to be sure. He’s seen me manic, depressed and many stops in between. It’s good to have someone hold the mirror up to you. Introspection is hard, but worth it. 

I’m having a great weekend blog. I hope you are too. 

Sleep?

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , ,

Right now the only major mental health issue I am working to correct is my sleep. I was up again today at 1:30 am which is, for lack of a more appropriate word, fucked. I hate waiting to go to work, and here I am with four hours to kill before I can start driving. I need to get this fixed and fast. 

However, there is some debate about the steps I need to take to correct this issue. I believe the problem is both mental and physical. Mentally I’m tired of doing my job and it is wholly unrewarding. I get no encouragement or appreciation. That weighs on me. Plus I have also been stressing my body in new ways, which is bound to have some side effects. 

Honestly I just need another chance to stay up and see if I can reset my pattern. If I push my bed time until after 9 pm, I should wake up on time the next day. The question then becomes: how do I stay up until 9 running on 4 hours of sleep? I don’t believe I can do that but I will try today. 

I think things are going alright. I wish my physical self was a bit more under control, but we are getting there. I should have a relationship post coming up this weekend. 

Peep

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , ,

This week got off to an awesome start and continues to look promising as it draws on. Carly drove down to have dinner with me Monday night and that went really well. She had a bit of trouble with traffic, which I should have expected given it was rush hour by the time she got down here. Nevertheless, we spent the evening laughing and eating, and it ended with a passionate kiss under the stars. A night I will not foregt. 

So I turned that 17,000+ steps from the other day into 20,000 and put myself far ahead in the competition on Fitbit. I have a 6,500 step lead without having taken more than 200 steps today so far. I’m going to crush this challenge. My average if 13,000 a day is just stellar and should carry me. 

Work has been fine. I’m not as engaged as I have been in the past, but that’s okay. I don’t need to be captivated by my job, I just need to do it. I really would like to have a coworker in my department or someone to directly supervise. However, there is no current employee who I would want to have working for me (or even with me). No one else has shown any sort of interest in my department. Maybe that’s why I’m losing interest too. Nothing ever changes. No one listens to what I say. I spend my days being thought poorly if or ignored outright. It’s not rewarding. 

Well blog I’m going to be headed in soon. Hope your day goes swimmingly. 

Record Day

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , ,

First off, most steps in a day since I started tracking it. Plus I got invited to a Workeeek Hustle with my cousins. I’m dominating with that step count. As of right now, in the lead by 8,500, and I’m only getting stronger. 

I had a huge day. I walked 8+ miles. That’s a lot of moving. I’m suddenly quite empowered, I’m finding. But I need to eat better, and quickly. I’m undoing all my hard work. 

So I had to share that screen cap. Goals met and well exceeded. Distance was five miles, calories 3000, floors 12, active minutes 60 and steps 10,000. Crushing it. That’s what I like. I’m getting back to a stronger, better me. Self improvement is an ever ongoing process. I have work to do before I’m ready to go anywhere with anyone. I am just beginning, and I am rising to the challenge. 

Meanwhile, my mental health continues to improve. The more activity I get the better I feel. Things are improving for me blog. I hope the pieces are coming together. Slowly but surely. 

Time To Check-In

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I am creating a new one of these because the one I used in the past is a piece of crap. This is an evaluative tool to help me better understand the health of all the various aspects of my bipolar mind. I am creating it to help demonstrate where I still need to improve and bring to light any glaring weaknesses in my current approach based on a simple analysis of the conditions of my conscious state. WARNING: this evaluative tool is custom tailored for ME and my Bipolar type II symptoms with the questions it asks, it may not be useful unless fucked with a bit.

 

Rate each question 1, for strongly disagree, to 10, strongly agree. 5 for neutral

Mental

Anxious thoughts under control? 6

Depressed thoughts popping up often? 1

Any self-harming thoughts? 1

Is is difficult to concentrate? 4

Do you have volatile emotional responses to things? 2

Are you talking before you are thinking? 2

Have you been blogging with regularity? 9

Have you practiced meditation for 10 minutes a day? 1

Did you motivate yourself to do something that needed to be done? 10

Have you been feeling aggressive, irrational, risky and obsessed? 1

Have you been feeling lethargic, disinterested, uninspired and lost? 2

Have you been genuinely happy in the past few days? 9

Have you been so sad you cried lately? 10

Would you consider yourself stable? 10

Physical

Are you capable of sustained activity of 30 minutes or more? 2

Have you met The Determined Penguin Project weight goal? 1

Have you been meeting your goals with Fitbit consistently? 10

Have you lost weight this week? 5

Has your energy been stable and at a good level the past few days? 9

Have you been sleeping 8 hours a night? 3

Are you eating food that will improve your physical health? 2

Are you increasing your activity level next week? 10

Belief

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I am pretty down on the world, because a lot of bad shit has happened during my life. I’ve been traumatized, manipulated and humiliated. Better still, I’ve done far more damage to my own potential than any outsider could have. You think my confidence would be descimated, and for a while, I would have said that was true. 

Given all of that, what the fuck do you do to change it? Honestly? Nothing is going to make the past any less painful and horrific. If you keep looking back at it, it will stay on your mind. This is where I changed my thinking: I determined that it was best to invest in what is yet to come. That, at least, can be coerced favorably with effort. The past is still just as horrifying as it was the day before, with no hope of becoming anything different, ever. So instead of looking there, I looked out towards the horizon. What is waiting out there? 

I can make a better life for myself not shackled in the unrelenting pessimism of my history, but holding tight to rapidly accelerating optimism. Anything is possible. Don’t let someone else tell you how it’s going to be. Decide your fate! Now get up off the couch and win yourself some happiness. Albeit, getting healthy enough for happiness is part of the process. No matter how deep the hole you have to climb out of, it can be done. Perseverance will prevail. With each step you get closer, and the more days you step forward the easier it becomes the next day. 

I go out into the world ready to do my share and take home what I earned. I want this life I have, and I’m willing to bust my ass to maintain it. If I get depressed, I won’t let it permanently derail my upward trajectory. I am in this to change my life blog. I want to live, feel real happiness, be in love, start building a life that will last. All of this is possible because I am making it possible. 

I deserve to be all the way proud of who I am. Not just mentally. I can and will get to a place that suits me for who I truly am. 

Keep A Good Thing Going

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , ,

The real test for me is endurance. Can I keep pushing myself hard every day, and maintain that momentum into the future? So far the experiment is going quite well. The pattern integrity is looking good. But there’s a long uphill climb ahead and I’m not looking too far down the road just yet. Since Fitbit arrived in my life I have elevated my exercise on a daily basis quite significantly, and today was no different. I slogged 2 miles around the business complex and did a muscle building workout at home for good measure. I hit 10,000 steps today, as well as all of my other daily achievements. I feel good blog, and I mean this as a perfectly rational observation. My mood has actually improved since starting daily exercise. I feel more proactive, positive and self-confident as each day passes. I’m looking to end Friday afternoon on a high note, rather than with my tank on empty.

This change has also helped me be more mentally disciplined. I have some weed on hand, and typically I would smoke two to three bowls before cutoff time around 4. But this is not good, and excessive, and defeats the purpose of even having it since it reduces it’s effectiveness significantly the more frequently you use it. I’m down to one time per day, just to relax in my jams after work, and not again until the same time the next day. If I can hold true to that, it will be the first time ever.

So I’ve set the bar fairly high, but fuck blog, it’s about time I challenged myself. I said I was going to get down to 190 and I fucking meant it. I said I would take control of my independent self and I have every intention of doing just that. I need the positive reinforcement the data brings. Real, measurable change happening a little at a time, every day. I take one tiny step forward and then another. That’s how you stay stable, make progress, and take control of your reality.

I have MANY more steps to walk, but I am fully determined to get to my ultimate goal and then work my ass off even harder to stay there. The days of lethargy and complacency are over. Law is coming, and justice will be swift.