Blog, things are headed in a positive direction and I am encouraged. I feel like I am in firm control of my life and gladly redirecting it to interact with another. Carly and I spent the night toghether Friday night, and although we didn’t have sex (or oral), we expressed our desire to do so physically. It was extrodinarily erotic and a moment of bonding that I feel very strongly about. It took great trust on her part to put herself in that situation. I definitely wanted to have sex since I was so worked up, but talking about what you want is vastly different than expecting or demanding it. I like to express my thoughts, which is a means of actualizing my passion. Helps to reassure anxiety too. Now there is no doubt what I’m ready for. What WE were/are ready for.
We talked and touched until 1 in the morning, got 3 measly hours of sleep and then I popped awake… thank you biological alarm. I started making coffee, that, and my pouncing on her, caused Carly to be awake as well. We talked some more. She was tired and I was a shit head for waking her up. However, she needed to leave by 8 she said which we were barely on time for even when I woke us up. The extra time talking was also really valuable. She got home safe and I’m certain we will be doing this again soon.
I am feeling pretty nominal. I would say I have genuine interest in becoming more comfortable with Carly, but I’m still progressing through the development of my feelings. I care about her because she is a person who excites me and who deserves to be; she lives her life in a morally honest and good way that is so rare in this world. I respect and admire people like that. She is someone I’m attracted to, very deeply, and we seem to have the right physical chemistry. I need time to be consistent with her, and have her be the same to me. We need to survive turbulence and disagreement while also getting stronger because of it. It’s those types of signs that will unlock my emotions further. I need to trust this. Partly why I wanted sex so badly is that I wanted the seriousness it brings. I want the security of having made that special connection with her that can never be taken away. I would feel more trust and safety, but I am also fine with having those things develop naturally in time. It just appeases my anxiety if I have certainty faster.
I have a lot waiting to be explored blog, but I am also doing this the right way. I’m not going apeshit and demanding dramatic action (or taking it). I’m pacing my emotional development in accordance with a healthy level of trust accumulation and the construction of the bonds of friendship. I want to get to those emotions, because I know how good they feel when they are all lit up. It’s like no drug on Earth, I’m sure. Love is the greatest feeling in all of reality, but it can only thrive if it is built from a healthy foundation. If done too hastily, the house will not stand for long. Patience builds the stronger structure that will endure the test of time.
I have a lot left to learn, but it seems like things are headed in a good direction. I need to talk with Will today and get a reality check. I need to know if I’m okay right now and he can give me a baseline. I have a feeling he’s going to find no reason to be concerned but I need to be sure. He’s seen me manic, depressed and many stops in between. It’s good to have someone hold the mirror up to you. Introspection is hard, but worth it.
I’m having a great weekend blog. I hope you are too.