I have had a very in depth conversation with Carly which has stretched over hours, and we have come to the conclusion that we are friends who have a lot of physical chemistry. This puts an end, like I had mentioned in a deleted rant, to my boyfriend pressure. I didn’t have to terminate just clarify what our roles could be. So now we are friends who are attracted to each other and are rapidly growing more bonded to each other as well. I feel a place growing inside me that is only hers, and the unique way she makes me feel. I was not thinking clearly this morning and I was upset and ranting about it. I’m sorry for anyone that caught it before I took it down. Sometimes, I just need to stop and think for a few minutes before taking action. This is part of the lesson I have to learn from this situation. I have been emotionally pulled a bit, but clarity has arrived to ease the pressure of progression from my shoulders. I’m just going to let go, and allow things to happen as they will, not as I want. The rest of the lesson is just that, patience. If it is a good thing, it will continue to be so. There’s nothing I can do here but to be myself and live my life the way I had always intended to. With a natural progression, not by some regimented schedule. I have always sought control to appease my anxiety, but now I know that control hasn’t made the anxiety any better, and now my life is ridiculous because I’m trying to manage all these different things that are still ultimately out of my control.

It’s a cycle I need to be aware of, and start taking preventative steps to ensure it won’t gain the high ground on me again. I need to get back to that core principle of mindfulness, that momentary calm of simple breathing that cuts the chatter and brings it all to center. All I really need to do is remember to take a few deep breaths when handed a situation and instead of blurt something out, give pause to consideration. This deliberative moment can completely change the reaction that was about to happen had one not put the mental breaks on everything. It has saved me in the past, when properly implemented. However, I would say I have about an 75% fail rate in direct implementation of this practice. It’s up to me to embody the change I seek, and I need to alter the way I have been doing things lately. I think my physical health is improving, but there is still some mental work to be done here as well. Clearly.

Introspection is a powerful tool. It helps me see things inside myself because I am honest at all intervals. It works if one is willing to lay it all out there and process the whole fucking thing. Humility is a key virtue in this, because you don’t feel shame for your missteps, you just accept them and try harder next time. I believe we all have a lot to learn just by digging deep behind our own eyes. Introspection helps me find ways to improve as a person, and has been instrumental in my rise to stability.

I do caution you that being TOO introspective is also not useful. Keep digging and bad stuff will come up, and if you are a person with depression this can easily make things worse. A songwriter had a poignant quote:

“it ain’t good to stare inside yourself too long, for every true thing there’s one more lie…” -Bob Welch

If you know the song that quote is from I’m impressed with you sir or madam.

Anyway, look at all the great shit introspection can do!