So blog, it has been a revealing last couple days. Mainly, I’m coming to realize just how powerful my anxiety really is. I have been batting physical symptoms at work where my heart rate picks up, my blood gets hot, I have racing thoughts and I feel a tremendous pressure on my chest. I have been leaving work for a few minutes when this is happening acutely and going for a walk. Physical exertion usually takes care of the most painful symptoms, leaving me to manage the thoughts without all the pressure. Even in the management of the anxious process, I still need a substantial amount of practice. 
I have decided to genuinely relax my approach to many things in my life. I will be letting events unfold naturally without having to feel like I need my input involved. I need to let go of the farce of control that I have attempted to exert on myself and my situation. There is no control beyond oneself, and the faster one accepts this the less painful life will become. People come and go, situations unfold dealing calamity or joy, but there is no stopping any of it. The cycle is just as incessant as the tides, which are also well beyond my ability to manipulate. 
This realization has set me free in a lot of ways: mainly, that I don’t need to spend time festering on a bad thought that isn’t getting any better no matter how long I sit and think about it. Second, that there are thing in my power that I can do to help combat the symptoms of anxiety and not allow them to propagate further. I feel much less worried the last few days, despite there being an unprecedented level of ingredients for trouble laying around. I have done well to rationalize, exert and meditate my way out of bad spots, and I hope to continue doing so as time and situations unfold. There is still a lot hanging on out there, but none of it I have any control or say over.
I am doing the best I can and no how to cope. I have never really had serious anxiety, but my panic attacks are very real, sudden and irritating. I need to establish a way of coping with them that is natural and not smoking a bowl by default. That is a solution, but not a very beneficial or long-term one. Once it wears off, I’m right back in the same spot I was in before. However, if I process and cope with what I am feeling, the anxiety is disarmed and doesn’t come back in the same way. It tends to find a new thing to worry about and then i go back to coping again. The cycle goes on and on this way, and hopefully, takes me away from the acute suffering I have been going through of late and does not simply distract me from it for a half an hour.
Everything will be fine if I stick to my defenses. There’s no way anxiety can own me if I own it first.