I often wonder if I am living a good enough life; as though I were being evaluated for my use of the gift of existence. Did I have a good life? Was I ever truly happy?
I doubt myself based on my past, and this makes me think skeptically for the future. I don’t trust my life the way it is now. I feel like there’s one string somewhere out there, that when pulled, will unravel everything. It’s happened before so I can expect it will happen again. It’s not something I know will transpire, but fear will be my doom someday. I live forever in the shadow of that fear and there’s nothing I can do about it.
In light of recent events, I wanted to take the time to speculate about my own life. This reality I have here, is it enough? Is there something I’m missing? When I look inwards, I see a man who can carry himself forward in the world but hasn’t come into that role fully. I’ve only had a few years of being stable to practice, but I am practicing.
My life has become about harnessing the power I have within me to direct the course of where I am headed. I want a bright and promising future, and that’s exactly what I will try to make for myself. Is this all under my control? No it’s not, but I can push it forward as best I can, and hope events unfold in my favor. Sometimes the future is about chance.
I’m feeling more isolated and alone than ever, and I need to get used to that feeling. I am all I can depend on in this life. I am very likely to end up alone going forward, or at least, be prepared to face things as though that were the case.
Self-reliance comes from a place of inner strength, one that I am still developing. Someday I want to be in full control of my independent self, and that is a goal I work towards every day. If you read this blog, surely you will see me fail and succeed at different points along the way. I have little doubt if that. My question remains, will you see me crumble, or get up off the floor and try again?